D/s and mental health issues

D/s and mental health issues

shahh • Mar 3, 2019

I am curious...over the past little while I have seen several here allude to or express having mental health issues and being unstable.

What are your thoughts on actively engaging in new D/s relationships full well knowing you could at any time snap, disappear or do something harmful to someone or yourself? I know it doesnt take mental health issues to make jerk choices, but it can increase the likelihood.

I am NO WAY judging having mental health issues or the darkness it sometimes can be working through them!! But I am wondering why, when fully aware of them, one would engage in taking on a sub or agree to being collared. It seems an irresponsible and selfish thing to me but that is just my opinion of course.

I welcome your thoughts and some helpful discussion.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Mar 3, 2019

I think this is a really interesting topic. I don’t know the answers myself so im looking forward to reading others responses.

I will say though that I read a few psychological studies out of interest and they reported that those who practised BDSM had better mental health. They found that people in D/s dynamics were less neurotic, more open to new experiences, less sensitive to rejection and had a higher sense of well-being. However, there are of course problems with those studies and others reported that it was more apparent in Dominants than submissives.

I, personally think that being in a D/s dynamic is more likely to have positives than negatives on your mental health. Perhaps this is due to the level of honesty and trust established, which make for happier and healthier relationships. Saying that i guess it depends on what the mental health issue is and how it is handled in each relationship.

Ingénue{VK} • Mar 3, 2019

What she said.

Asteria​(neither female) • Mar 3, 2019

I do not have personal experience in this area, but there was a time when I've been taught about things related to this particular subject.

I have to say that I do not agree with the opinion that it might be irresponsible and selfish. But, let me explain...

BDSM is a broad spectrum of activities. From very light ones, to very extreme - we all choose those which are suitable for us, there is no one proper way or doing things. BDSM comes in many shapes and forms. The same is applicable to D/s relationships. Being in a D/s relationship is not equal with getting involved in an edge play or some other extreme activities. Not everyone needs or wants to explore "the darkness" (whatever that means).
The same goes for mental illnesses - they have different shapes and forms. Sometimes people struggle with them from a young age and they need to learn how to live with them, making their lives as good as possible.

Now, saying that someone who is mentally ill and is starting D/s relationship is irresponsible and / or selfish is just hurtful and unfair. Everyone deserves to be loved, everyone has the right to be in a relationship or the right to try to build one. The only things that are needed are honesty and openness from the very beginning. Yes, it might be more difficult at times and it might require more effort. But does that mean that it cannot be done? And that it cannot be safe?

What about other aspects of so called normal life? What about starting new job? Would starting a new job by someone who is mentally ill (and usually those are long term issues) be irresponsible and selfish?

Lotus​(sub female) • Mar 3, 2019

I agree with Asteria,

It is not possible to generalize or speak for people living with a mental illness and choosing to enter into a D/s relationship. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Everyone’s capacity to be in a committed D/s relationship vary.

I respectfully disagree with the opinion that it may be irresponsible or selfish as I humbly believe that all or at least most people enter into any type of relationship with the goal to obtain happiness and satisfaction.

Trying not to generalize for all the different types of mental illnesses and people living with them, but what I think is that if you are living with a mental illness that may skew your ability to make rational choices. But it does not mean you have to sit on the bench while everyone else is out having fun!!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Mar 3, 2019

I think that you need to define a little better what you are asking here.

One in 5 US adults suffer from a mental illness.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness.shtml



As far as snapping goes we have all done it sometime in our lifetime. I have snapped badly twice in the last 2 years. Lost my shit. I also have an underlying mental illness that I do not feel, after self assessment, was in any way contributory to this behavior. We all snap sometimes. For me, I have come to realize that my snapping point is when somebody attacks my love. Because I know this I have to double-check my behavior at the door.



As far as disappearing, again something that happens in our community all the time. People get in realize BDSM isn't for them and get out without really explaining themselves. Which they're not required to do anyway. When I left my first wife I disappeared. I was gone and I moved out of state. The fact that she found me is a secondary issue. Currently online relationships make just disappearing much easier. We have a person in community who shows up every couple years and wants to do big things and then disappears. That's pretty much their pattern. It's pretty much due to mental health issues, and I have a lot of respect for somebody who would go and take care of their shit before they come back. And then leave again if they feel they need to.


As far as hurting self or others, again all the time, it just falls under a different name in BDSM. Cutters are into self scarring. Those with control issues are D types. Edge players use substances while they play, do asphyxiation play, consensual non-consent.

Do these things have a pathology? Probably.


I do however welcome and support those who look at their own behaviors, notice there is something wrong, and then seek diagnosis and treatment. They are much safer people then people who do not feel that there is a problem with what they do.


So really my question is " should you be allowed to play in BDSM if you don't have a diagnosis?" I'm being tongue-in-cheek here.

But the point stands.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Mar 3, 2019

I agree that it’s certainly not selfish and irresponsible to want to enter a relationship while suffering with mental health. Like you said, it’s a broad spectrum and everyone is entitled to happiness and satisfaction.

So with that being said, I think that there are definitely certain scenarios where it would be rather selfish and irresponsible to enter into a D/s relationship (and certain situations for those who do not have any mental health issues). For example, if a Dominant was suffering with schizophrenia and didn’t disclose this to their sub. If s/he was unstable and not receiving any treatment then they have potential to cause unintentional harm to their submissive. So in this situation it would be extremely selfish and even dangerous.

If they are honest from the beginning and stable then it’s a completely different story.

Asteria​(neither female) • Mar 3, 2019

It is worth emphasising that the prerequisite for building any relationship (not only D/s) with a mentally ill person are honesty, openness and disclosure.
Then, a willingness to learn about the particular illness and its symptoms, as well as possible ways of support and / or treatment (including some medical consultations if needed).
I agree, it might take more effort, but it is applicable to any kind of illnesses, not only mental ones.

BDSM and any other activity can be adjusted to circumstances and medical conditions. It can be tailor - made for those who need it.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Mar 3, 2019

@curious


Is it the mental illness that is the issue or the the non disclosure?


We had a situation here a while back.
S type was schizophrenic.
Refused to see a problem, refused to get help, thought that they were spiritually elevated.

Played.
Did not disclose because they did not think they had a problem.

Afterward

Vilified the D type.

Then died years later because the voices told them to only eat vitamins.


There are 3 issues at play here.

1- the s type did not believe they had a problem

2- lack of self assessment set the D type up for uniformed play

3- damage occurred.



My thoughts are that the processes of the mental illness made this no win.


Had the s type recognized an issue and disclosed then the D type would most likely not have played with them. Moreover, they would probably still be alive.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Mar 3, 2019

@ MasterBear,

I think it’s definately the disclosure. At the end of the day you can’t force someone to get treatment unless they are a danger to themselves or others.

I agree with Asteria that disclosure is needed with all illnesses (not just mental). Then it is up to the other person(s) involved to educate themselves if they wish to play or enter into a relationship with them.

Edited - of course these are just my opinions.