Jealous of Involving Other Women

Jealous of Involving Other Women

BabyGirlFL​(sub female){His} • Apr 27, 2019

My dom has mentioned before that as a consequence for an action he considers direct disobedience I might have to pick out a woman and watch her give him a blowjob. We have had conversations about how neither of us is into sharing, and that it would merely be a disciplinary act. But I have a very strong aversion to him physically being with anyone else. I am open to the possibility if I could understand it as sex only and remove any perceived comparison or emotional attachment, but it’s difficult for me and I fear I might be so emotionally wounded from the experience that the damage would be hard if not impossible to undo. That being said, our love is growing stronger and deeper as time passes and I might get to the point where this is acceptable to me. Do any of you subs consider my aversion to this something that I need to change in order to abide by my dom’s need for exercising authority? Or is it one of those instances where a hard limit is mine, and okay? As a side note, he is very intuitive and has probably heard me loud and clear and also doesn’t want to risk jeopardizing what we have - but I’m curious and wanted to ask. Thanks in advance. I’ve been busy on here today ?.

Bunnie • Apr 28, 2019

@ BabygirlFL,

When it comes to things like this, I consider this to be a very serious limit. One that I believe you need to be on the same page with, because it’s the kind of thing that once done, cannot be undone. And as you say... the potential for irreparable damage is there. Why would it be necessary to use this as a punishment if it’s something you both agreed against in the beginning? There can be many punishments that are just as harsh that don’t involve breaking agreements or damaging trust.

In fact, I don’t even see this as a limit. You’re either poly or not, and you’re either into cuck-queening or not. If you’re neither (or anything the equivalent of), I can only see this creating problems. And as your love deepens, experience tells us that if you’re monogamous, introducing other women has the potential to create a lot of problems.
If you had agreed from the outset, then of course my answer would be very different... however, you didn’t.

Ultimately, this is only something you can decide for yourself. Jealousy is a pretty natural response at times... even with those who have agreed from the outset that there will be other people. As long as communication and honesty and “owning your shit” exists within the dynamic/relationship, I believe it isn’t actually that much of an issue, and can be addressed and moved beyond.

It’s up to you both. If you feel that it could be a situation that could potentially end things for you if it goes wrong... is it worth it? My point is... you need to speak up and share all of these worries with him.

Savida​(other female) • Apr 28, 2019

I’m really glad you reached out for other perspectives instead of just going along to get along—that’s especially hard if you’re someone who values pleasing others.

So here’s my take:

This whole business of “do things I don’t want to do to abide by my Doms need to exercise authority” is in my opinion, unadulterated bullshit those identifying as tops/doms often use to manipulate uncomfortable people into doing things they don’t want to to “prove” something.

Its a common idea highly romanticized by plenty in the community, but I think in the beginnings of a relationship especially, it’s dangerous, it’s fantasy, it’s nonsense pulled out of trashy novels that don’t understand anything about what it’s like to actually do any of this.

There can be healthy room sometimes for pushing at boundaries that make one person feel uncomfortable and nervous, at the request of the person whose boundary it is, in the context of an established relationship.


Your boundaries limits areas of comfort and desires are just that, YOURS. Boundaries don’t have to be smack on top of your limits/danger zones to be valid—you can move your boundaries closer to the edge, or further away, any time you like. Or never.

People also romanticize boundary pushing (I’ll admit it CAN be special if you’re ready and the person time and energy is right) but it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or not a good/real sub if you do indeed, guard your boundaries/keep them where they are for a long time, or maybe forever. You don’t have to damage yourself or let anyone else do so to grow and expand...there are so many other ways to grow and progress.

Your mileage may very, but In my view your discomfort and unhappiness around this idea for a “punishment” (punishments should generally be specific and appropriate and not intentionally try to cause damage in my personal view) is all the answer you need from where I’m sitting.

It doesn’t feel good, you don’t like it, don’t do it, especially not now. If you decide to change your mind somewhere down the road, you can. Your boundaries are yours...and that also means you can move them (closer or further away) at ANY time.

I feel it’s important to add....even if you’d agreed to it at an earlier time...you can ALWAYS change your mind or say “not yet.” The other person may be disappointed for a moment but they’ll get over it and be fine. I promise. Anyone who tries to berate, guilt trip, manipulate or diminish you for asserting boundaries is, in my opinion, a raging shitlord.

Savida​(other female) • Apr 28, 2019

*too late to edit, but I meant “your mileage may VARY.”

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 28, 2019

'My dom has mentioned before that as a consequence for an action he considers direct disobedience I might have to pick out a woman and watch her give him a blowjob.'

This is not in my view a suitable punishment, this is non consensual humiliation and degradation. This sort of thing does not in my opinion create growth or improvement which a punishment should do. In this sort of context this will cause emotional damage. I see this suggested punishment as a Red Flag. I would not ignore that.

notsounsureanymore • Apr 28, 2019

If you have had a conversation and already agreed you aren’t ‘into sharing’ them I’m unsure as to why this would even be considered as a punishment. It shouldn’t even be an option.
There is pushing boundaries and then there is stepping past that and turning it into an abusive or manipulative situation.
If you don’t feel comfortable then it’s a certain no and if you still pushed towards it this isn’ the correct Dom for you.

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Apr 28, 2019

I don't see this as punishment but cruel. If you aren't into sharing. To me it wouldn't be a positive to make me change what behavior caused the discipline. It might even make me back away from MySir if we had agreed on no sharing.

Phanes​(dom male) • Apr 28, 2019

Sounds as if its a excuse to get a piece on the side to Me!!! How many things will he deem the need to use this punishment against you once you allow him to do it once? If this is a limit with you, make it a hard limit and dont bend!!!

Devilsoul​(switch male) • Apr 28, 2019

A hard limit is that full stop. Not to be used against you as a possible punishment.

Once that line is crossed the whole dynamic will change and what will come next ?

I hope your Dom listens and changes his punishment choices for both of your sakes.

Bianca15​(switch female) • Apr 28, 2019

So, here's the thing. Punishment of any kind can have some form of fallout. (On another note, this is a bit of frustration for me with traditional dom/sub relationships. I understand the science behind this stuff, and it seems like some others don't, or at least choose to ignore it. It is frustrating for me to know that something is being done in a completely ineffective manner, when there are SO much better ways to accomplish what they are attempting to accomplish. Anyway, that was a semi-random aside.) This punishment in particular, because of the emotions that you fear would be involved (and would it even be a punishment if they weren't?), could result in much more serious fallout. I could almost understand if it was some sort of "fun-ishment". But as actual punishment, if it is as aversive as it would need to be to serve that purpose, I can only see lingering bad feelings resulting from it. That's the beauty of typical punishments, they are meant to be aversive in the moment to change behavior. If the aversive is something that is long lasting, then they damage the relationship, rather than serving their intended purpose.