What to do?

What to do?

HisBelovedKitty​(sub female){MSA} • Oct 1, 2019

I love my Sir. The amount of love I have for him is breath taking but what do you do when there is a part of him you cant handle? He's poly and i am not. Him being with others breaks me inside. We keep trying to find solutions and nothing is working.
I have some mental health issues that I'm getting help for. Could that be the problem? Could the solution just be that i need medication?
Or am I really just not able to do this?
It kills me inside knowing I will never be enough for him. That all the love and loyalty and commitment I can give him will never be enough. Everytime he is with his other sub, I die inside. I dislike her so much it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I hate how my mind seems to be working these days but I no longer feel I know what to do.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Oct 1, 2019

Ok, this statement very rarely holds true. Almost anything, short of abuse, deception, etc., can be worked through. However, this is one of the few times I can say this, and it'll hold 100% true.

Poly individuals and monogamous individuals just don't mix in a relationship.

Him satisfying his polygamy hurts you. Staying monogamous with you hurts him. There just isn't a solution here. As much as you love him, sometimes factors like this mean a relationship just doesn't work between two individuals. This has nothing to do with your mental health problems, and has everything to do with the fact that you two just want different types of relationships. He wants a poly relationship. You want a monogamous relationship. This two things aren't reconcilable.

TheLittlePrincess​(sub female){SSG} • Oct 1, 2019

I agree with Azzabackam. There are plenty of things that can be worked through in relationships, but I don't see this being one of them. You both want entirely different things. You can't give him what he wants and that's not a bad thing. Never sacrifice your mental health to try to please someone. You need to think about yourself as well. He can't give you what you want either. This isn't something you compromise on. If you feel this intensely about the situation then I think that tells you everything you need to know. I know it must be very hard to hear this and I'm sorry for that but it is not your mental issues. This just isn't the type of dynamic/relationship you want and need.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Oct 1, 2019

I'm in agreement with both Azzabackam and TheLittlePrincess above. And without knowing more of the situation, don't look at yourself as not being enough for simply wanting not to share. I'm guessing he doesn't want to share you. This isn't about you or whether you have issues, so try not to carry his weight in this. You are monogamous and he prefers poly. You should not have to be medicated to accept a relationship situation no matter what it is. Whether you need help or medication for other things in your life is really between you and your doctor; however, I personally can't justify you changing an inherent part of your psyche to be with someone who although perhaps awesome in most ways, is perhaps incompatible in a major one. And I do believe most people would find this to be a major one. Only you can really determine how major this is and what you should ultimately do, but on face value and what you have said, unless he is willing to change his mindset, this can only be destructive to you.

Manorbier​(dom male) • Oct 1, 2019

Hard to dsagree with anyrthing already said. Poly seems like a good idea or at least manageable, but often someone ends up getting hurt.
No matter how much you love your Sir, if he is unwilling to change and for the two of you to become mutually exclusive, you need to move on, for your own good.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Oct 1, 2019

There is nothing wrong with being monogamous and not wanting or being ok with sharing your partner. We spend a lot of time worrying about poly-shaming but it’s just as important to understand that there is no shame in being monogamous either. Just because you are a submissive doesn’t mean you have to have an “everything and anything is ok” mentality or persona. You’re allowed to have limits and sharing is allowed to be one of them. It doesn’t mean you’re mentally imbalanced in any way. Your heart needs monogamy to feel secure and loved and that is 100% ok.

I hate to say this because I know walking away isn’t easy and I applaud you for trying to stick with it and share him to satisfy his poly needs, but I have to agree with the posters above. There isn’t a winning solution to this. A monogamous heart can not sustain a relationship with a polygamous partner. It will continue to eat at you and will cause you to wallow in jealousy and self doubt and send you into a depression; which will cause all kinds of physical symptoms in addition to the mental and emotional turmoil.

I’m so sorry you’re both going through this. My heart goes out to you. When you love someone it seems almost impossible to accept that there isn’t an avenue in which you and him are happy together at the end of it.

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Oct 1, 2019

D= I am a dom in a poly house and I will say this your dom is silly for even involving you. the ladies of my house love each other as much as they love me and need me if that were not the case then the house would enter a conflict the could take it all apart no matter how good the dom is the core of it is love. right now when you are outside of the poly dynamic you are the other woman.

pi in your eye​(other female) • Oct 1, 2019

Well from the perspective of a submissive who is primarily monogamous, but considering a relationship where He would actually be the Dominant (ie: negotiation once submission is agreed on doesn't exist) and eventually the Master of a slave; I have to say that if I submit to a man, what he chooses to do after that, is His business, not mine. If there are negotiations, or requirements, have I truly submitted?

Again, it depends on the agreement behind the relationship in the beginning. Did you agree to poly in the beginning? If so, then perhaps you didn't know how you would respond. Is the relationship he has with the other submissive competitive or non competitive? Do you have well defined roles? Is she taking over your service to him? Are you feeling undermined in your relationship with him? I don't think it is an either or situation, where as everyone else has suggested you leave and look else where. Also, I don't think mental health is what is driving the concern either. That is a separate issue, but attitudinally can impact your choices and responses.

Honestly, your relationship with him is one thing; and his relationship with her is another thing. Lots of times there is an alpha submissive and a beta.. are you feeling like he is excluding you? Do you feel less loved? Is it somehow ego driven that you want to be the "only one" for him?

If the relationship is important to you, I'd look at how my ego is driving my emotions. If my ego is driving how I feel; then am I truly submitting or just trying to get what I want from him?

There is no right or wrong answer here. It is up to you. And Him. Considering the amount of communication that is important in any relationship whether D/s or vanilla, I'd say don't come here for answers, talk it over with him. Talk it over with her, too. If the relationship matters, don't just walk away; try to make it work for you in a way that doesn't make you feel lost or incomplete. Try to find your own personal power in what you give submissively to Him.

Hope it works out for you, and everyone.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Oct 1, 2019

@pi Sharing my Sir is a hard limit for me and I have “truly submitted”. To suggest otherwise would be to suggest that any sub with limits hasn’t truly submitted.

I also don’t agree that what he does “is his business” when what he does affects me. He leads, I follow. He orders, I do. But as my Owner, my well-being (including emotional and mental health) are his responsibility. And if he chose to own a monogamous sub then he should not be surprised by her negative reaction to him having other partners.

I’m in no way trying to say that this Dominant has done anything wrong. He is poly and is following his heart, but to suggest that this OP is lacking in her role as submissive in any way is unfair and unkind.

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Oct 2, 2019

I am inclined to agree with the kitten posting above me. Not everyone is poly.

M/s I would say has a different level of acceptance than D/s for the dominant figure doing “what they wish” I absolutely see the argument in an M/s dynamic that says “you are the slave I am the Master, I’ll do what I will” but even still I would say that any person should exit a relationship if the alternative is unwanted emotional or physical damage.

A dynamic, ant dynamic, should have Initial negotiations as well as the forum for someone to speak up. People and circumstances change, if it’s not good for the submissive or slave to remain in their current arrangement they should be supported in their effort to pursue their needs and health. To say that isn’t submitting I think would be unfair and unkind.

Yes. You can negotiate and still have truly submitted. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! I don’t mean “seek help” I mean, keep it a priority and at the top of your mind during your negotiations and as you continue through your relationship. Everyone has different barriers, triggers, and needs. You can both submit and set your limits. So long as Dom and sub / Master and slave are in agreement, all is well.

Additionally it is okay to change your mind. If you are in a serious long term relationship changing limits or relationship terms shouldn’t be taken lightly, and may perfectly justifiably lead to the termination of the relationship (in the same way that it is okay for the bottom to have terms, it is okay for the top. If, for example, you want to convert a previously poly relationship into a monogamous relationship, it is perfectly okay for the other party to say the new relationship terms no longer suit their needs). The bottom line is that it’s okay to not be okay with everything.