Advice?

ShyDawn(sub female){Taken}

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

Advice?

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

Ok, so I'm new to BDSM and I don't have a lot of experience with sex anyway. I may sound a bit all over the place but I can't get myself to focus on one thing, there's just so much I'm not sure about.
So I consider myself to be a sub and my fiance to be a dom. We have tried a few things like fisting, spanking, biting, and anal beads. I want to try more. It's hard me to get him to talk about this kind of topic with me. I know conversation is important but I don't know how to talk about it. I got a few sexy outfits and wore them for him but he said it wasn't necessary and that I only got them for myself. Is it bad that I want to feel sexy sometimes and I want to be sexy for him? And I want to get more toys but he said no and won't tell me why. He really enjoys using the toys we have on me. Would it be wrong if I got more toys even though he said no?
I want so many things but I have no idea how to go about this. And I have SO many questions. Omg I don't know where to start.

IowaDom(dom male)	IowaDom(dom male) 5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019 5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019 IowaDom(dom male) • Oct 16, 2019 Try a yes / no / maybe list like this one, great icebreaker and adventure taker! http://www.thatotherpaper.com/austin/yes_no_maybe

Zedland(dom male)

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

So you have a lot of questions and that is great. Asking questions is the first step towards knowledge.

1) Bringing up sex is never easy, particularly when you are telling a more dominant partner you want something more. Sometimes you have to bit the bullet and just do it. Be gentle, but forthright and direct. Make what you want clear but don't push him too much. Or you can be clever and bring it up casually as in, "you know I heard about x which sounded really hot..." But you have to be clear about what you want.

2) Sexy outfits are great, but you should make it clear you are not strictly being sexy for him but rather for both of you. If it helps you get in the mood make that clear. He might be worried you think he no longer finds you attractive.

3) As for the toys I wouldn't suggest just going out and ordering them. He may enjoy using toys on you, and probably knows you enjoy them, but he might fear you are replacing him with the toys. Toys enhance intimacy, not replace it. Also while I understand the need to expand your armory you shouldn't rush into anything (it is impossible to repurposed a disused bondage bench). Master the toys you have now and search for creative new ways to employ them.

That's just my two cents.

ShyDawn(sub female){Taken}

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

I only use toys with him. I have honestly never masturbated or watched porn which is weird I guess. I have somewhat tried to masturbate but it didn't work out... I'm an little scared to watch porn I guess. As for toys, I did buy one years ago but never used it until he used it on me. I would never replace him.
I don't think it's the toys that I really really enjoy I think it's the look on his face when he sees and hears my reactions from what he does to me. I love seeing him watching me and enjoying having me at his mercy. The toys just adds to the experience.

ShyDawn(sub female){Taken}	ShyDawn(sub female){Taken} 5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019 5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019 ShyDawn(sub female){Taken} • Oct 16, 2019 I am going to try the yes/no/maybe list and see how it helps

Cimky(dom female)

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

its always a joy to see the excitement and eagerness to learn when someone finds something that just clicks in place for them.

1st relax take a breath and soak it all in this is a journey not a race you will get to everything on your list and tons more that you have not even found yet.

lists works nice as they allow you to go back and look at it again and I agree don't try to force talking I know we all do it from time to time have a burning question and wants answers now but you can gain more if you do it differently choose a moment completely away from any sexual activity and focus on one thing at a time.

toys are fun but you don't need them all right now you will be surprised at the number of preventable you have in your home at any given time and these create fun in the moment playfull toys.

as for your outfits, it's always nice to look good it makes you feel better and lift your mood explain to him how wearing something sexy makes you feel about yourself and then ask if he would choose something sexy for you to wear every day. that way you give him a chance to take the lead and it becomes a fun game as he then picks something that forms part of a reminder that gos out into the vanilla world that only you two knows about.

MasterBear(other butch)

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

Hello and welcome!!

"I want to be sexy for him? And I want to get more toys but he said no and won't tell me why. He really enjoys using the toys we have on me. Would it be wrong if I got more toys even though he said no?"

First, ask him all these questions.

Secondly, you sound very ready and he doesn't. Does he have a mentor? Are you involved in your local community?
Does he seek an outlet for his questions.

Third, in my opinion, you having interest in toys is wonderful!!! IF he is a non communicator-- which is a red flag here- then I say get one toy and see what happens. It might get hom to talk.

If I had to put my finger on it, I would say he is feeling overwhelmed. BUT it could be a lot of things.

Him choosing not to talk is going to make or break your marriage. BDSM aside.
But in BDSM, especially new to BDSM yes/no just doesnt cut it.

ShyDawn(sub female){Taken}

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

He doesn't have a mentor and we aren't involved in the community. I don't know if he has an outlet which is one reason why I am going to get him to join the Cage.

As for him communicating with me, I think he has a hard time talking about certain things. He grew up differently than I did. He is an only child and I have four siblings. My family is very open about everything. They bring up their sex lives as if they are just talking about lunch. I know things that I don't want to know. His family is very different in that aspect I think.

ShyDawn(sub female){Taken}

5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019

Jack in the box	Jack in the box 5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019 5 years ago • Oct 16, 2019 Jack in the box • Oct 16, 2019 Welcome, I agree with Masterbear on "red flag". 3 musts for any successful relationship - 1 - Communication! 2 - Communication! 3 - Communication!