What should you do if you catch your new Dom in a lie

What should you do if you catch your new Dom in a lie

ellesub • Feb 4, 2020

It was a white lie...and as a brand, new sub it hurt. I am trusting my Dom to lead me into this new exciting world, and this is a critical time and defining experience as I get acclimated. He does not know I know he lied.
Would love some feedback.
Thanks!

MissBonnie​(dom female)​{oz} • Feb 4, 2020

some times little white lies are to ensure the person your telling it to...is ok and not hurt. Maybe ask yourself was the lie to protect you in any form? if so it was from a good place. Although lying isn't good, some times it is understandable if the intent was to protect you. If the lie was to make himself look better or appear better to you. I'd be questioning the motive! If you being lied to about simple stuff...whats next or when things get difficult?
Maybe let your Dom know you caught him out. Let him know it hurt you before it maybe becomes a habit.
BDSM is better with 100% transparency from BOTH sides. TRUST is like a foundation stone, with out it your building on shifting sands.

alawey​(sub female)​{(OWNED BY } • Feb 4, 2020

To me ... A lie is a lie. ...
I know that sounds hard .. But i can honestly say that i dont lie to anyone about anything . for example if a person came to me and told me what a great boyfriend they had , even with being married he made time and was always doing the nicest things. I would have to let them know that i didnt agree with some one being married and dating around. Now being polly is totally different . that is where EVERYONE knows wat is going on.

Now you say this is a white lie. I feel in this LS where everything is based on being honest , and trust.
To me if someone is going to lie about something that is small , then they will most likely lie about the big stuff.
But thats just me.

Miki • Feb 5, 2020

I know a lie is a lie is a lie, but in all fairness, depends on the nature and circumstances surrounding it. Little white lies often result from some level of insecurity, wanting to look or seem better than he thinks you would otherwise. As mentioned above, speak to him about it. Find out why. Tell him it ain't cool at all.

But you didn't delve into exactly what it was about. This is a new relationship and you're a new sub. Is he also new at this?

When you get right down to this, in a way this whole "lifestyle" is fantasy role play. No one actually can be a sex slave No one can actually beat, slap, or whip another in private or even group-freak setting-- unless both parties consent to play the roles.. In a purist's view, this is a form of lying, if to none other than ourselves.

In our day-to-day lives few, if any of us wear our sexual proclivities on our sleeves. Many would stand to lose our careers if word got out, so we have to, of course, lie to everyday people and pretend we're "normal".

So to say "a lie is a lie is a lie" about one person, and not accept the fact that we all lie to someone at some point on a daily basis, is disingenuous.

But how we play feels good, doesn't it?

DrWakko • Feb 5, 2020

if you are that hurt and bothered by it I would leave. Its a new fresh relationship and if you feel that he is a liar than then you need to move on... if you feel that its one white lie and its wasn't meant to be hurtful then move on with the relationship its not that big of a deal.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 5, 2020

Years ago, when I was young and naïve, I used to believe that truth was the default setting of human interaction, and that lies were extraordinary. Now I see the world more clearly, and I find it is just the opposite. Almost everything we tell each other, and even a good deal of what we tell ourselves, is contrary to fact.

Furthermore--and this is merely my own radical opinion--I think when you catch somebody doing something wrong, whatever it is, you are better off letting them save face by pretending it didn't happen. Or, even if you do tacitly let them know that you know about them, it is better not to dramatically point an accusing finger at them. Because oftentimes, people will appreciate your consideration and will do better in the future all by themselves.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman)​{DarkFox} • Feb 5, 2020

You treat it the same way you do if you catch anyone else you care about in a lie. Talk to them about it. Explain how it made you feel and talk about how to avoid it in the future. The sevarity of the lie and how easy it is for you to forgive them is entirely subjective to you both.

If you can agree to a change and move forward, that is wonderful if you can not agree (ie, you think its wrong and should stop, but they believe it's not and won't change the behavior) then you know where you stand. Then you can decide if you want to live with that behavior or not.

ellesub • Feb 5, 2020

To delve further, he has lied as of this past weekend about where he is. He said he would be traveling within the US this week, but instead i discovered he is in Europe. With the time difference, he is not checking in with me like usual. He also is maintaining the charade that he is in the US. He is not a new Dom and has a fair amount of experience. Its been a few weeks of service to him and I have been deepening the trust and devotion to him. The caveat is that since it is still really new there is a lot we have not yet shared with each other about our lives. Even still i cant help but feel lost and confused...i do not know what to say or do, leave or stay?

Solace​(dom male) • Feb 5, 2020

Decide. However you must. But decide if you trust in your Dom. That is to say that you trust in reasons for his actions. If you cant, then politely ask to talk about it or leave.

As it had been stated thsee relationships are very keyed in to trust. If you don't have it, obtain it. If can't obtain it, leave.

Lossofalme • Feb 5, 2020

To be honest, with your update as to the specifics... That seems a bit more than a white lie to me. I don't think I'd just walk away, but I'd want to have a very open and transparent discussion (in person if possible) about what is going on and why they gave you that story/failed to maintain their responsibilities.

They could have a good reason for it, but for me at least, it would need to be a VERY good reason.