new Dom resources

new Dom resources

notcg​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2020

Ok. I have always had an attraction to parts of bdsm....but I felt like I wasn't the right "fit" because in my mind, I saw bad movies and porn where being a Dom seemed about abuse almost. That's not me. Recently with some changes in my relationship....I've started looking into things more...and maybe I am not as bad a fit as I thought.

So...I lack some basic terminology, so if I am ignorant...help me out and don't judge too much. Haha.

I care about women that I am with...and their satisfaction incredibly. I always have. For this alone I felt I couldn't be a Dom. Any time I am a little rougher or do any kind of what I would call light bondage....I'm always careful to make sure that this is exciting and fun. Scared to cross any line. I want to make sure who I am with feels safe. Almost as if I have to drop 'out of character to make sure that who I am with is OK. noone I have been with has ever been a true sub. (Experienced sub maybe a better word choice) So maybe that doesn't make me a bad Dom is what I am learning. I'm finding out that caring about her safety and pleasure as a priority is part of being a Dom....not a failure of being one.

Currently I am seeing a woman that wants me to take control and wants to be 'told what to do.' says she thinks of herself as a sub...but again...she's never had a Dom. She had one guy she was with that 'told me what to do' and that really excited her a lot...but She can't tell me what that means really (it's not a lack of trust and communication...she doesn't verbalize a lot of things. ) ...and I've not ever been really verbal that way.

Who do you guys trust....book, website, videos, etc to learn how to be more verbal and to find ways to keep developing my kinky side?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 17, 2020

Preface: just one subs/persons views and perceptions here (mine). i don't purport to be an authority or to speak universally.

Okeedokee, i'm going to respond because many sub (and Dom) attributes cross orientation or gender. I.e, i find i have all sorts of things in common with a lot of female subs and i am not female. Even though i'm a gay guy and the default setting here often seems to be heteronormative (aside: people please, when writing your profile, could you please qualify if you are strictly looking for a male or female or____________. We're not all hetero here lol).

i suspect you're going to get a lot of positive feedback from this post, and a few marriage proposals. my take is how you self describe is not only Dom, but has a maturity to it. To me, self centeredness, self absorption is the essence of immaturity. The fact that you pay attention and "care" about your sub is a defining attribute of a Dom as far as i am concerned.

Porn portrayal of D/s, to me, is often not only contrived, but the opposite of what it tries to portray. To me, D/s is all about intimate knowledge of the one you are with (from both sides). i see "kink" as non traditional expression of need and desire. To me, those "kinks" represent places to connect and bond ("bondage?"). i see the kinks of a sub as the proverbial neck that a Dom can "collar" and attache their leash to as well. "Caring" , to me, is about finding those places and knowing how to "collar" them. That is a deeply personal and individual process, not a generic exercise or one size fits all technique.

As to having a mate that doesn't know how to express their needs... i believe that is a forever challenge of relationship to some degree or another. The way i see it, the first challenge is self knowledge. The second challenge is knowing how to articulate that self knowledge. There is so much to this. i wrote a blog about some of how i see it yesterday (it's too long to put here). But the short side of this is i think many are simply not practiced in putting who they are and what they feel, need and want, into words. But the more you try, the better you get. i think it's a little like learning a foreign language.

Another challenge for a sub nature is we sometimes hesitate to tell our Doms what we need/want because we do not want to come off as dictatorial, controlling... dom? lol. On the other hand, no one can read minds and it is unrealistic to expect a Dom to just know what we need. i suggest a good exercise is for each to write down a list of their kinks and then compare the lists. To me, compatibility is a big deal, so i'd focus on the kinks you have in common, then maybe choose one and each write a fantasy of how you see that kink being exercised.

Those two things, listing kinks for comparison and then writing a fantasy (or fantasies) about them are really about self disclosure and will automatically reveal stuff like fear, insecurity. Each will be writing their kink list and discussing in their mind which ones to list and which to hold back lol. Also, their can be the trap of trying to list kinks that we perceive the other will like. All in all, a lot of self discovery can be had, but each has to have the desire and courage to know and be known for this to work?

Just a few thoughts on the topic, hope it helps. Good luck.

("trust" each other)

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Sep 17, 2020

I have a question.. or two..

1 .. what does she mean " tell her wat to do" meaning sexually or everyday stuff. ..

Let me explain a bit is she looking to be told how to undress in front of you, to perform, ect.. or is it along the line of how to do her hair , wat panties to wear or not , things she can have to eat, wat to cook for dinner, ect...

2 communication between ppl is very important in this lifestyle. Along with trust, respect. If either of you are unable to commincate verbally well wat you want or feel. Have you thought about asking her to keep a journal atleast 3 time a week . Writing down whatever she wants to write about can give a helpful insight to both of you. ( if it's not a digital one that you can look at also then I suggest that atleast once a month she hands over notebook allowing you to read what ever you want. )

Although you have said that "it's not because of lack of trust or communication " but it seems to be that it's a verbal communication that is lacking .

notcg​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2020

So you are right technically its a lack of communication. The reason I said that about communication is because she isn't one to communicate like that at all. She talks and communicate with me more than anyone else...but some social anxiety and stuff means she doesn't communicate well in general. It's a very patient relationship to get where we are now. Lol.

So all she can tell me so far is "I was with a guy a few times and he told me what to do and it was really a turn on I didn't expect."

To the other point....we are referring to strictly sexually right now.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Sep 17, 2020

Sigh.... ok here is the deal. This LS ( lifestyle) ISN'T all about the sexual part there is WAY more to it.

My suggestion, and you may not like it, would be to NOT focus on the sex . Work on the communication part. You say " She talks and communicate with me more than anyone else...but some social anxiety and stuff means she doesn't communicate well in general."

So I would research on ways to help with that .
"A simple way to make others with social anxiety feel comfortable is to stay in touch. That person might want to talk, make plans, or find out how you are doing but at the same time anxiety may prevent her from picking up the phone or sending an email. Be the first to get in touch and don't be resentful about it.Mar 22, 2020

Verywell Mind › ... › Coping

How to Help People With Social Anxiety Feel Comfortable"

And I found this site also that may be helpful..

https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/5-ways-to-help-social-anxiety

and I still think that keeping a journal would be a GREAT thing even if at this point SHE CHOOSES WHEN AND HOW OFTEN SHE SHARES IF AT ALL. It will help her be able to process her feelings

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Sep 17, 2020

Ohh just to restate THERE IS MORE THAN SEX. Being a "dom" is about learning the person and helping them focus and grow.

MrFulmen • Sep 17, 2020

I'm in full agreement that dominating works best when you care about your partner and make it a priority to ensure they're having a good experience. And that doesn't have to mean that you can't take firm control or play hard. When you have a partner who wants or needs to be dominated, and you've built the connection between the two of you to be able to understand the character and the boundaries of their need, then ordering your partner around and demanding their obedience *is* making sure they have a good experience!

Take a look at www.ConsensualDominance.com for my own guidebooks to dominance and other educational resources.

notcg​(dom male) • Sep 17, 2020

"Ohh just to restate THERE IS MORE THAN SEX. Being a "dom" is about learning the person and helping them focus and grow. "

This part I understand completely. There was a question asked earlier, when she says she likes to be told what to do. Did that refer to just sexually, or other aspects.

So far with her, that has been primarily just sexually.

Please understand that primarily the question was not meant as an evaluation of my relationship with her. In general, our relationship is fairly new. I'm still working on getting to know her... In our conversations she told me that she was with a guy before that told her what to do and she found it a big turn on. So because I have wanted to explore that side of my personality anyways. That's why I was asking about resources to help. I'm not quite sure how to say this without maybe coming across as an ass or something. But I don't generally do things poorly. I don't appreciate failure. So to me this is a little bit like any other aspect of my life. I want to learn how to do what she (Or depending where this relationship goes, someone else) wants properly.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Sep 17, 2020

Then I would focus on the getting to know her and forget the sex part. Hang out with her learn about her out side of the sexual side. And do ur research so that you can help with her anxiety to the best of your ability.

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Sep 17, 2020

The best way forward for both of you...
Is to explore together.
She might see certain things which resonate with her..or not.
You might see certain things which resonate for you.

Submission and Dominance are inherent,
in some way, shape or form.
Everyone has varying degrees of experience and knowledge.
Some dabble contentedly on the surface, while others plunge in deeply ( sometime over their head)

This is a conversation to have together, and individually.
Make a list of what your desires and expectations are.
Have her do the same.

Knowledge begins within and expresses itself outwardly.