Intro Question

Intro Question

Fox trot​(sub female){SirTesla} • Oct 22, 2020

I am very new to the BDSM scene, and have wondering what type of questions should a sub ask in order to filter through messages from Doms. Like am I supposed to ask about limits, kinks, fantasies, ect. or let them take the initiative? Is it normal for chat to be taken elsewhere, like Snapchat or Kik? Also what is a normal timeline for D/s relationships? I'm sure that there are answers to these questions, but I'm not sure where to look or begin. Help! And thank you!

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Oct 22, 2020

Hi and Welcome.

I hope you're able to navigate your way through this without many problems! Being new, I understand where you're coming from with the overload of questions from others.

I can not answer you based on fact, but within my own opinion.

"supposed to ask about limits, kinks, fantasies, ect. or let them take the initiative?"

(IMO, I think it's natural as well as bound for such conversation to present itself. But, I feel as though that conversation shouldn't be the first topic at hand.)

"Is it normal for chat to be taken elsewhere, like Snapchat or Kik?"

(I may differ from some, but IMO I feel as though if communication is present already on such platform like this site, where's the need to go elsewhere? Now, once developing a bond/ friendship.. Yeah, why not!)

"Also what is a normal timeline for D/s relationships?"

(Go at your own pace. But, IMO.. Take it slow! That can't be stressed enough.)

"I'm sure that there are answers to these questions, but I'm not sure where to look or begin."

(You're right! There are answers out there. Just have to put the time & effort into finding them. I, myself suggest reading & engaging within the forums, maybe blog. It's helped me thus far as well as allowed me the chance to chat with some really cool people!!)

Well, I hope I helped in some way
Enjoy your Journey & Stay Safe!!

~Kore☪

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2020

Here is what I tend to use on The Cage. Now, I am not a sub, but I cannot see why some or all of this might not work for you!

1. You get a message
A. Deal killers - these messages should really just cause you to hit the delete / block key imho
1. You will submit to me! I am your master! (go back and watch 50 shades again bub!)
2. Want to meet off site? (why? The cage is a wonderful place to get to know people!)
3. Hey I live close, want to meet up? (Danger Will Robinson!!!)
4. Any type of name calling, be it good, bad, or cutesy! (baby, sweet cheeks, slut, who cares .. add em all!)

If you met somebody say in the park, and they did any of these upon first meeting you- would you smile or call a cop? Beware the insta-dom! There are no "just add water and mix" dynamics. BDSM Dynamics that are going to last IMHO begin like any other relationship - friends getting to know each other.

B. So its a good message! You like what you heard, or are interested in learning / hearing more?
1. Read their profile - step 1 - is it vague and vanilla? is it barely there? Anybody looking for a real dynamic imho will have taken the time to write one.
2. Scroll down their profile, to their forum posts, read what they have written. Are their responses to other members "in tune" with your beliefs / wants? Do they seem to change their opinion constantly, saying what the OP may want to hear?
3. Do they blog? If not, not a deal killer, some just don't. But if they do, take the time to read their blog, entirely. You can learn alot a person from a blog

4. Do they have an ad in the personals? Read it.

5. Have you considered finding an online Dom (a well established one) for protection? Now that doesn't mean they come live with you and watch over you, but you place in your profile that any person wanting to know you for more than friendship must contact your "protector" and be vetted. As to timeline, that varies by person, but most would agree "only fools rush in".

Now I am not saying there are not quality people joining us every day, in fact, I hope there are! But what I am saying is the more established a person is here, the more you can tell and r learn about them. Use that info! Then just start talking to them, like you would any other person you met

This is prolly not the perfect blueprint for success, but it can help you weed out the "playahs"

The surprise of professionalism...

alphawolfishere​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2020

Well written. I’d like to reiterate your last statement...

“ This is prolly not the perfect blueprint for success, but it can help you weed out the "playahs".

Additionally... what I find interesting is that a lot of subs aren’t use to engaging or interacting with real Doms. Which, a real Dom is going to stay within the general boundaries of what you’ve written in this post... specifically during the introductory stage.

As for me, I maintain that level of professionalism whether or not a sub has been exposed to that level of professionalism or not. And there are many other Doms out here who do as well. Sure, they’re scattered out but they’re out here. Though it never ceases to amaze me when a sub gets surprised because I speak to her as if she is a human to be respected... because she is.

I could go much deeper on this topic but I’ll keep it at the surface level for now.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Oct 23, 2020

From a subs point of view I would say listen to what Iowa . He has made sound very good points.
Also I would say stay focused on friendships and NOT TO RUSH into anything. I know that you might be thinking but i want a relationship. But IMO the best relationships start of as friends and tend to last longer when there is friendship, trust, communication, mutual respect.
And I will also like to add , do research on different things there are some very good site and pod cast that dive deeper in to things and will help you understand yourself and want you are looking for. Also I know many subs (and Doms also ) that kept journals while looking / and if u are in a online or LDR ( long distance relationship) many Doms want you to keep one. They help keep thoughts straight, work out issues/ problems. Basically when not in a relationship you can keep one writing in it what you have researched and thought about it . Thoughts on a blog you read that shared info, ect , ect. Then you have it to go back later and see how you have changed over time. Or be able to remind yourself of something.

Example: you saw a quote on a blog or somewhere that hit home on a bad day. Write it in ur book then when you need it you go look back at it, ect.

Hopefully that helps some

Fox trot​(sub female){SirTesla} • Oct 23, 2020

Thank you everyone for the great advice, lots like I have a lot to learn but it has been very helpful.

SwitchNewb • Nov 4, 2020

As a newbie, I can't tell you how helpful this string has been!
It's day 1 and I've already gotten a few welcoming messages that seemed a bit too forward!
Better to be safe!

IowaDom​(dom male) • Nov 4, 2020

Considering the fact that your profile clearly States that you are in a monogamous relationship, and that you are not looking for anything other than information and perhaps friendship, I would suggest you have the delete key on auto repeat lol

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 4, 2020

That Iowa dude is right. In my experience, no matter what I put on my profile at the time (I have since deleted most of everything and have a fairly sparse profile) -- they come at you from all directions once they see a post from you that you are new.

Many are well-meaning, but get out your hip waders and digital bucket-loader cuz your Inbox is gonna be blown apart.

I had tried answering all who wrote to politely decline but ran into a handful of characters who were insistent. Of those, a few were outright rude. However to date (I've been in here a while and no one really bothers me any more)

-- I've only had to block two, maybe three genuine elevator-farts (usually those who get drunk and really send crap PMs or messages in Bond.)


Just take this and similar sites with a block of salt. It's the same all over.

Genfairplay​(dom male) • Nov 4, 2020

Yeah good post with good info for sub safety.

I would like to say it can be normal to go to other sites once you are trusting enough in the person. Connect over a game and add each other on that platform like steam etc. Then again im a nerdy dom.