A Question for My Fellow Submissive Guys

A Question for My Fellow Submissive Guys

jeborder​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2017

Hey everyone!

So I just wanted to quickly ask a question. How do you all find dominant women? Over the course of several months (since March) I have been unable to find any dominant women. And not just dominant women my age (23) but also older (I do have a thing for more mature women). So how do you find amazing women who really care about you but also know how to tie you up and choke you out? Do you use this site? An app? Anything will help. Really missing having that connection (I've only had two doms and while both were absolutely amazing they abandoned me randomly and left me heartbroken).

- jeborder

MikeSmith • Oct 22, 2017

I tried the online thing with Collarspace, Fetlife, etc etc. Never worked for me. What did work for me was meeting an amazing vanilla woman and being so comfortable with her that I eventually shared all my kinky fantasies. She has come a long way but has really been enjoying the aspects of BDSM we've tried.

TheEdge​(other male) • Oct 22, 2017

Socialize. Be active so they notice you. Be in the chat and forums . Let them get to know you. Make friends.
And what worked for me in the past is to STOP LOOKING... might sound strange but that’s how the universe works. Be who you are and do your own thing and the right people will step into your life. Soon you’ll realize in order to find who your looking for you need to do exactly the opposite of what you’ve been doing.
You kind of need to approach it as you would approach to make a friend.

sub_stitute • Oct 23, 2017

I've only been looking for a few months. So far all I've found is scammers. This site is ate up with them. So is every other site. Online dating is pretty much a waste of time. I've decided to try to meet in the vanilla market and then see if I can warm her up to the idea. I think a lot of women would enjoy doing the Dom thing but they don't seek out porn the way us guys do and it remains something they have not considered (to be in a monogamous relationship, but adding kink to sexuality). What woman would love to wear those boots!? I'll see how it goes. I'm even considering experimenting with some well worded ads in craigs list. But that thing is also swarming with scammers. I think most of them are foreign. If you've had two Doms, you're doing better than me.

tg_steffy​(sub trans woman) • Oct 23, 2017

Greetings! I have tried Craigslist over and over and over again. In my area CL is used mostly by prostitutes, cops and people looking for quickies. But if you're successful do let us know.

I have a thought that many Dom Women exist more in fantasy than in real life. I too have sought a collar by this elusive creature and have found Her to not exist or exist online only. Now I'm sure She is out there but I have not learned the correct tactic in being caught by Her.

My guess is Dom Women are (A) cautious as hell and (B) much more interested in sub females or (C) web based money Dom's. But I'm sure they are out there and we need to be patient and wait.

Just a thought .... Good topic ?

jeborder​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2017

Gah these all sound hopeless I think not searching is super passive and good things don't come to those who are passive. Or at least in my experience. I guess I can try and be more active in chats or try to find a vanilla woman (note I have never even been in a relationship) and try to get her interested

calicotigress​(switch female) • Nov 21, 2017

You have to be interesting to interest a dominant woman. Search out a woman and ask her what women like. If you think a relationship is all about getting your needs met, you will always fail to interest a woman. Stop looking for a sex partner. Especially if you want a relationship.

Try a Munch!

VictorEBond​(dom male) • Nov 22, 2017

Try a local munch. You never know for sure who'll show up, but usually there is at least one if not more actual non-pro dommes. At least you could talk, get an idea of what a domme is looking for, and possibly be referred to a fellow-domme friend. Or who knows? You might be her cup of tea. In any case, not every munch has the same people every month--some will rotate in and out, so keep at it. And if there's more than one munch in your area, try different ones.

It's a little scary at first, for everyone. You don't know exactly what to expect--but it's usually just folks, getting together for a meal or some drinks, and socializing in a non-kinky way (sometimes people will dress in fetish attire, sometimes just street clothes--depends on the munch and the people). Kink conversations are generally fine, though in most cases you're in a public place/restaurant/bar, so people need to keep it cool and not scare away the straights. The munch is, on the one hand, a group that brings in some business for the venue--but on the other hand, if it gets a bad rep it can wear out its welcome--hence "be cool."

But it gets you more information, lets you meet some flesh-and-blood kinksters, find out that they're just people--like you, and break the ice/get your feet wet.

Occasionally a munch will have a play party associated with it (in a different place). These vary widely, from small invite-only parties to ones that new people can go to. Most will require you to attend more than one munch so that people will feel comfortable enough to invite you into what is often somebody's private residence.

It's not a guarantee--I've been to some munches that are more open and welcoming than others, and as a new person it can be hard to overcome shyness, but you'll usually find a normal conversation (like the weather or the Dodgers) that you can join in on, and get to know people that way.

These events generally center around at least medium-sized cities, so you may have to travel a bit. As TheCage grows and matures, you'll probably see some listed under "events." Until that time you might google it, or check on FetLife for events in your area.

Or, if you're feeling pro-active, start up your own! Kinksters are everywhere--you might find some of your neighbors thanking you for making the first move.

Bowyourheadnow • Nov 22, 2017

A whole lot of Mistresses are out there, willing to train, mould, own and collar submissive males and its always best to go for mature women. Never give up.

Villanelle​(staff) • Nov 22, 2017

There are plenty of lifestyle female dominants out there. I'm one of them. I think looking online is pretty much essential to finding a F/m match, simply because we're such a specific group of people. It can happen though. I met my submissive online, had a long distance relationship for a number of years and now we are living together. I moved across the world to make it happen, but we did it and it works. I also know a number of other dominant women who have done the same or who are looking. And none of them are pros or scammers. They are real women who want female led relationships. But are you prepared to accept a real woman and not a 23 year old latex clad super model fantasy as your domme? Start by asking that question.

I'll also reiterate what I've said in the forums here before:

There are plenty of dominant women out there, however they often get bombarded by messages from strangers like, "hi. can u b my mistress? I'll do anything". Uh. No. Because of the spamming and trolling many femdoms decide to maintain a lower profile. You should always approach a dominant woman as an individual. Read her profile, ask her questions about herself, and leave kink off the table until SHE introduces it. If she's interested in you, she'll let you know. Be focused and discerning. Don't hit on every woman who identifies as dominant. We all like to be appreciated and wanted for who we are. Surely none of us want to be with someone who has an attitude of "anyone will do". If you have standards and appreciate quality chances are you'll attract someone similar.

Check your profile too and consider how attractive you may be to a potential domme (and I don't mean ONLY in a physical sense). What are your interests outside of BDSM? Are you a fully rounded individual who can amuse and entertain her? Put yourself in her shoes and appreciate the fact that there are plenty of other submissive men vying for her attention.

One other point: if we're lucky we fall in love once or twice in a lifetime. Why is there an expectation that finding the right D/s fit to be any easier? It takes time. In the meantime, make yourself worth of her, your future Mistress.