What are the deciding factors?

I’m curious... in what ways do you personally determine that someone isn’t the right fit for you?

*The aim here is not a discussion around Predators or “Insta’s”... I’m wondering about those who simply decide that they’re not feeling whatever it is they’re seeking.

Intelligence, age, location, good communicator
Does he have knowledge of this beyond what he read on sites?
Years of experience. Knowledge of the lifestyle.
Having had past lifestyle relationships that lasted a while. (year or more)
If he trash talks the last person he was involved with.
Knowing people/having friends in the real world of this
Being able to have an adult conversation without all the fantasy, sex, junk

For me it's levels. We get the basics out of the way and go a little deeper and deeper etc.

Many are just starting out, Or cheating, Or want to be taught. That's all a no go for me

[ prefacing that I am not looking ]

My radar:

More warmth than stoicism

Good measure of self awareness

Emotional intelligence

Love for learning

Playfulness / kind- hearted

Sense of adventure in general

Flow of conversation, platonic and other

All other thoughts fall under one of the above mentioned. Your question was fun to explore. I made a long list and pruned it. I need all of the above to move forward.

Even if kinks don't seem to fit if the above are in place I won't turn down an opportunity like that. I submit to a person not a Dom.

Turn offs, red flags and deal breakers:

Critical tongue in general.
Self importance
Narrow minded
Out of touch with their true self
Black and white thinking
My way or the highway type attitude
Led by ego with little brakes
( it doesn't take long to see a zebras stripes )

ABOVE ALL:

I can be myself without fear of disapproval. That emotional safety piece is the oxygen.

Who wants to go through life pretending to be someone they aren't!?

When I have seen more mechanisms than honesty and desire to deal with those mechanisms. I am NOT judging that some people are deep in their triggers/mechanisms and that is just where they happen to be on their journey. Everyone has a right to be where they are with no judgment or critical harm towards them. It simply has come down to an equanimity space, 'Can this individual hold me safely? Do they know how? Can they honestly trust me with actions and not words? Do they take leading by me as it is intended? Or do they fear and shun it because of ego, pride, or general mistrust of themselves?'
I look for a symbiosis of similarity when it comes to where we are within our own personal journeys'. I can accept differences or struggles that I have navigated that they have yet to and vice versa, ONLY if I can see their willingness to walk their path and discover themselves along that path as I desire to do as well.
Kink on any level can be negotiated. Similar values, ethics, desires (personal improvement), definitions around the words honesty, transparency, openness, vulnerability, and trust, are things that should ALWAYS be symbiotic or the communication breakdown MAY be too great to overcome. Or so my personal experience has shown ME.

This one hurts me a bit. Why? Because I have an ex who would like nothing more than to be back together with me. I understand intimately how love is not always enough... I have another ex who told me he still loved me on the last day he saw me, and it still wouldn't ever have worked. One I believe was lying to himself, still... you can be terribly hurt, and stay hurt, if all you think you need is love. Here is what my personality holds me to:

If they wear their insecurity on their sleeve.
Ex: someone who can not sit in silence for long periods of time. Who is not comfortable with themselves first. Who is always running away.

No drive.
I will carry someone if they let me, and my personality as a submissive means I will have to take on the dominant role with someone who is not determined, or stead fast in their actions.

I am introverted.
Extreme extroverts are not someone I can spend a lot of time with. If they can't understand I need down time (sometimes insecurity based or co-dependent) than I cannot recharge and will never be allowed to be comfortable.

Arrogance:
I need someone open minded, I need to be able to have a conversation and leave the table in disagreement without it being considered an insult. Addition to this. They must be fallable: that is the difference between control and dominance.

Projection:
Someone who can't understand their own emotions and can only acknowledge them, when they have disassociated from them and put them on your plate. It villainizes the other person and just breeds resentment by the accuser. Everyone does this to an extent. This is not only reserved for the predators, narcissists and instas.

My subconscious brain is the final decision maker. I have no control over it.

@ acquiesced

What are your thoughts on meditation?
Also if we become aware of subconscious thoughts are they still below consciousness?

To me personally the human connection is paramount.
I live relationships by heart. I don’t play submission, i live submission. If we talk specifically about d/s dynamics, the right fit for me is determined first of all by the level of soul connection. I need to feel person’s heart, how genuine he is, how affectionate he is towards me. There should be an alignment in mutual kinks/desires/needs but it’s not a decisive factor for me. I can’t play, I can’t submit pure on the fact someone can meet and satisfy my kinks because i know such relationship won’t last long and i am not interested to give my mind/body/soul for instant gratification because it feels empty to me.

With the right person even if our kinks don’t align completely, having that deep soul connection would make me feel comfortable and willing to stretch my limits/boundaries...not just willing but being curious about it and keen to explore the unknown. I am a risk taker in life and have an adventurous mindset so that helps.

From having deep soul connection the trust and feeling safe components get birthed and when that’s established the journey together always feels fulfilling and satisfying despite unavoidable mishaps, misunderstandings that can happen from time to time. When the foundation is right, trying new things with the right person always feels organic even when you realise those things are not for you in the end , the exploration, the journey doesn’t detriments as such but feels enriching and meaningful...the genuine desire to make another person happy because you know deep in your heart that person has the same attitude towards you and only wants the best for you, for you to feel happy and fulfilled.
That’s organic, that’s genuine, that’s beautiful equilibrium

OraclePollon​(sub female){AlphaWolfe}
"This one hurts me a bit. Why? Because I have an ex who would like nothing more than to be back together with me."
..............................

I posted this recently but can't remember where. So apologies if I am repeating.

I was at the gym one day and my adorable young trainer was chatting away about an ex of his that wanted to get back with him. So in between deadlifts, I asked, "And so what would be different? What has changed? What work has been done? If the answer is nothing, just boredom or loneliness then you are going to repeat all the old stuff."

Ah yes, I am wise. Oh my, he gushed how smart I was.

No, not really, it hit me that I was doing the same thing in my on-again, off-again relationship. So I immediately made changes to that.
Getting back with someone to repeat failure is never going to end well. The relationship I was in never did. Or my marriage either. They got all their needs met but didn't worry about my needs. Even submissives have needs and while others might miss that detail, we never should.

Exactly that. ?