Divorce fodder?

Divorce fodder?

ellefire​(sub female) • Jun 11, 2021

A friend is potentially facing a divorce. She is a sub, her husband is not a Dom and does not really seem to understand that D/s is about more than kinky sex, though he claims to. And he is certainly willing to Top. She has been advised by friends to delete all lifestyle profiles and to stop all online activities. This makes her very very sad, as she will greatly miss the Cage community.

Kids are in the mix, and while she is advocating for a parenting marriage it is not clear what he will do.

Any advice? Asking for my friend.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jun 11, 2021

I was very close to a couple in NYC They were married with kids. When I met them they seemed to be just a Ds couple. Later I found out that he became her dom to save the marriage and of course, the more comfortable he became with her staying in the marriage the lazier he got in his dom duties. Eventually, they approached divorce and he pulled out all the stops to destroy her rep and take the kids.

He even threatened to have all of us who used to be close to them subpoenaed and forced to come to court and testify. That would have hurt many people with their own delicate situations.

This lifestyle has been around for a long time. And it is far more than kinky sex. That means he could dig up all extreme things to parade through court.

I agree that she should shut it all down and erase it as much as possile. Then if he throws it at her she can just say that in the face of a failing marriage she was willing to try anything to keep it working but it failed.

Lots of people want to preach that we should be mainstreamed and others will just have to accept us etc. The fact is much of what is done in this realm is still illegal in many parts of the country. She has to pick her priorities. If she doesn't odds are good she will regret it.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jun 12, 2021

I should add this last thing. If you want a good date with your spouse. Go spend the day in family court. Watch the endless parade of feuding couples. Pay close attention to the cold-bored-indifference of the judge and lawyers. To say that family court doesn't care how deeply you destroy each other. Or how much righteous indignation you may have is an understatement.

They go beyond indifference. They are barely listening. It is by far the most outrageous and hateful/hurtful place. On top of which, every scum bag lawyer that waltzes through the place are treated with the same consideration as every ethical and well-intentioned lawyer is.

So do all you can to take it to a mediator and know what your rights are. They can get you to waive all of them. Yes, that is legal. So if you are inclined to feel indignant and deeply wounded, drop it. I swear you could set fire to each other in front of the judge and he would yawn.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jun 12, 2021

[Truncated Quote]

Kind of a tangent here but while much of this activity might be technically illegal in several parts of the country ---(Hell, just taking it in the ass is actually illegal in some places even without an overall BDSM dynamic being in play)-- I have never heard of such laws being enforced unless one party or the other files a complaint... The "illegal" bit is where none of the 'contracts" and such entered into by BDSM couples has any legal standing and breaking such a contract has no legal remedy.

As for the topic itself-- I think I responded to a very similar topic a few days ago, a married individual trying to decide what to do when their spouse simply isn't into the whole aspect of a BDSM dynamic. Indeed the friend about whom the OP is writing is faced with the same choice as all the others in this predicament. Decide which is more important to them and always bear in mind the old axiom,

"It's no good if you gotta force it."

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jun 12, 2021

Miki​(masochist female)
5 hours ago • 06/12/2021 9:24 am
SubtleHush wrote:
Lots of people want to preach that we should be mainstreamed and others will just have to accept us etc. The fact is much of what is done in this realm is still illegal in many parts of the country. She has to pick her priorities. If she doesn't odds are good she will regret it.

[Truncated Quote]

"Kind of a tangent here but while much of this activity might be technically illegal in several parts of the country ---(Hell, just taking it in the ass is actually illegal in some places even without an overall BDSM dynamic being in play)-- "

.........................yes sodomy is still illegal in many states.

"I have never heard of such laws being enforced unless one party or the other files a complaint... The "illegal" bit is where none of the 'contracts" and such entered into by BDSM couples has any legal standing and breaking such a contract has no legal remedy."

.........................I agree. I've not seen anyone arrested for the specific act of conducting BDSM with a willing partner. Where no harm was done. However, when you engage in activities that ARE illegal and find yourself in the middle of a divorce. Those illegal issues may not get you arrested but they sure do sway the judge to the other person's side.

Or in the case a few years ago when two long-time partners played with a mummification tube and the one in the tube died. He didn't tell his partner e had taken drugs before they played.

.........................in the argument of what is legal you have to consider not just punitive responses for a stand-alone behavior but how that behavior positions you in the face of a judge, or the police, or even your employer if you work where a moral clause is in your employee handbook. When you go through something like that, there are many impacts that might not include jail time.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 13, 2021

Turn it into a triad, but with a dominant woman to show him in person that it's about so much more than sex.

ellefire​(sub female) • Jun 13, 2021

"Turn it into a triad, but with a dominant woman to show him in person that it's about so much more than sex."
I have suggested this! So far it's a no go...

Miki​(masochist female) • Jun 14, 2021

Stupid question, maybe, and no disrespect intended:

Where does "Turn it into a Triad" fit into this? I mean a situation where (specifically) a married woman can no longer deal with the fact her husband does not do BDSM, and/or totally does not understand it on the whole??

What was originally posted is a serious problem with no easy answers, in that said woman has to choose which is more important:

BDSM or the man she married who is not a Kink,--- with attendant vows.

I'll add in, that is why I Do Not Do Relationships-- I cannot vow to something I feel now, but cannot reasonably assure I will feel in a few weeks.

It stands to reason that engaging in, let alone consenting to a "triad" makes even less sense to the guy who is mentioned than a BDSM dynamic.

------------------

Let none forget, there are always round pegs that will never fit into square holes.-- The trick for "The Enlightened" is to realize and accept that There is NOTHING wrong with that!!!

Re: Divorce fodder?

LoyalWolf​(sub male) • Jun 14, 2021

She can backup what she deletes and restore it after her divorce problems are over. It's a temporary thing.

Depending on how much BDSM material she has on her computer, I might even advise copying it to a separate hard drive / flash drive and deleting it from her computer.
Most people would be shocked how much information a digital forensics analyst can gather from their computer.

I don't know how common it is for someone's email to be subpoenaed during a divorce, but it can certainly happen with other types of cases. This is why I keep my personal emails separate from my work email and separate from the email address I use for kink sites and dating. I would advise others to do the same.

Moonstruck • Jun 16, 2021

More than deleting things from her hard drive, I would advise replacing it. Delete online profiles by writing to admin and asking for the profile to be permanently removed from their servers. Perhaps even mention the situation (I'm not sure if that would be helpful, but few companies want to be drag into legal issues. If a profile is gone, problem solved) and ask that it be deleted and over written immediately (many have a 30-90 day waiting period).

The problem with just deleting information is that it's not necessarily GONE. It's simply made invisible. She needs it GONE, or someone more technologically adept may find it.

Oh, and take the old hard drive apart and smash the enclosed disc. Or run a very strong magnet over it. NOW you're information is gone.