Social Accountability

Social Accountability

testosteroneandtacos • Sep 11, 2022

I hadn't noticed this topic. Let me know if there is a thread already. And please lend leniency in typos. Typing on a phone is a real bitch 😆 The synopsis being social accountability for evaluation of personal dynamics. Is, are, should an individual, couple, or group be felt to legitamize, defend, or validate the dynamics of their relationships, and if so, in the presence of which conditions?

As we all know, BDS&M involve relationship dynamics which are idealy practiced with very clear standards. Physical and control factors involve depth of communication, coordination, and agreement. We also all know that the nature of relationships in and out of BDSM can slip or nose dive into unbalanced, unhealthy, or abusive dynamics. When people involved with certain lifestyle traits are made aware to others in the community, then there is a community aspect to the nature of that relationship. That's an immutable constant of humanity. We're very social.

How that interaction plays out with certain individuals or cultures is likely to, and does, vary. In many circumstances a role of social accountability plays out in these interactions. It may present in different ways. Such as quiet and non-confrontational whispers among others in the community, which may sway social standing. Perhaps outright criticism or even a demand to defend a case for behaviour. In some places your intimate relationships make your partner/s strictly your property, unaccountable to outside standard. Most likely a couple or group will be held to social input and evaluation. The important part here, is that one does not have the power to dictate the standards of interaction any more than a ship tells the sea how to behave.

On par with common human psychology, those standards will have more interest and integrity depending on whether they are directed at or away from the person of attention. Look at them, don't look at me. We can all come up with a myriad of personal or social situations where that has been apparent. Emboldening self righteousness of scrutinizing another, or searing pressure from being the focus of evaluation and judgement.

The fuzzy facts here are that people in general care. They want to know that, to a degree, others are safe. If they suspect unhealthy dynamics or abuse, they have an emotional urge to identift or help resolve that. Even if they struggle with that management in their own relationships. Of course there are some who want others to suffer, and so promote poor behaviour, or desire others be held to rigid socio-religous standards for every thought and action. Mostly, people simply need to have a reason to believe the people in their community are in safe relationships.

So, the hairy beast in the corner. How do we all manage validating the dynamics of our relationships and behaviours amongst and outside the BDSM community? How does a person, or couple provide evidence of safety and health, and when is it appropriate they feel a requirement to do so for others in a social setting? Let's make clear all dynamics are on the table. Fling, poly, monogamous, group, and amongst all forms of role dynamics. Even master/slave.

Notely • Sep 11, 2022

Go with what you feel what works for you just enlightenment that I am just passing along info.
This is not to enforce or tell you how to live but good resource of info every place is different.
You probably already know some of these things as well.
Everyone kink Pandora box is different.

Anyone Asking We are Doing is Best but very Happy  , Your Relationship with your partner or self in the lifestyle is your own universe. As long as you are happy it's healthy that is between you and your partner.   Outside of it everyone is living their own lifestyle in their own dimension so not everyone will get you or understand you. That is Ok  My lifestyle is mine this how I live it you's is different that how you live your's just how it is.    You don't have to be everyone best  friend on the street but you can be kind be fair say hello how are you don't have to get attached to others but if they want to get to know you and your partner your lifestyle it comes with respect and energy you have right to put your foot down , if you feel the energy not right can stop the communication say thanks for the talk I gotta do some things My lady lady needs me .   Not really anyone Job to tell anyone what to do  everyone  , Fine for people to support you , Find to share some things , Fine to say You Doing Ok as long it not crossing like if your drank little to much wine and person just looking out for you but not getting to pushy they want make sure you make it home alright they willing to get you a cab , It's truly the way people treat you even if they are a stranger some can be good souls.  Some are still growing and learning that Ok because they are curious about their lifestyle Journey you can give them some info and send them on their way depending if you want to be friends later you don't have to do that up to you we all must go on with your lives just keep on moving along.  But just be yourself. All that matters is that if people don't get you then they don't get to be part of you and wish them well.   But

Let us assume you are in  BDSM relationship - as the dominant. You think all is good. Until one day, you have the police at your door to bring you in for questioning on suspicion of domestic abuse.

Yes, you have spanked your submissive partner, but that is because they wanted it. They had given consent. Your partner does not want to press charges, but the police and later the prosecutor don't care. A neighbor heard screams and had observed some bruising on your partner's arm when they met in the shop. In court, your partner protests and says that the play was rough, but that is because they wanted it. That they have given consent. That it was all part of a harmonic relationship between two consenting adults.

You know what? The court may not even care. It is domestic violence as they see it, and it is in the interest of the commonwealth to have this practice stopped. So you end up in jail, depending on where in the world you live, it will be anything from 18 months to 45 years.

It is true that some courts recognize a "harmonic BDSM relationship" as non-abusive. But the courts see evidence - neighbors hearing screams, bruising on an arm. The evidence you can supply will be in the form of testimony from both parties, written agreements, BDSM checklists. Membership in BDSM clubs. So in some countries, you can be acquitted. But only if you can, beyond reasonable doubt, prove that there was consent, and that all activities you did fell under that consent. And there are limits to what you can give consent to. Generally speaking, anything that leaves lasting scars or marks will fall outside consent. So what happened with "innocent unless proven guilty"? Well, that flew out the window. In cases like this, it is "guilty until proven innocent"!

Therefore, before your neighbors get noisy and start calling the police, you must prepare. Yes, it is boring. But it may be your "do not go to jail" card. As a minimum:

1. Have a talk with your partner. A long talk. Discuss legal risk.
2. Write down limits, use the BDSM checklist. Be specific. Date the checklist. Keep a copy for yourself.
3. Review the checklist at regular intervals. Make it a two way communication.
4. Have a safeword, stopword - or whatever you prefer to call it. It can be graded - like Red (stop NOW), yellow (go slower).
5. ALWAYS respect the safeword.

New developments in national law after MeeToo, may even make the situation worse. In Denmark and Sweden, the law now says that any sexually oriented activities must have a clear, voluntary, informed and specific consent before any sexual activity is initiated. If the consent is forced, pressured, if it is from a minor or does not cover the actual activities you do, then the activity is defined as rape. Other countries are expected to pass similar laws within the next year.

Consent can also be withdrawn at any point in time. If consent is withdrawn, the activity must stop the same second. A "no" certainly becomes a "NO!"

The scenario I described is by the way a best case scenario. Imagine the issues you will be facing if your partner turns on you and goes to the police. Then my only advice is to get a good lawyer - a really good one. And one that understands BDSM.
social Etiquette and BDSM. 


Introduction
Something that has come back to my attention as of late is the topic of social skills, especially in the BDSM community.  To clarify, what I mean is peoples’ levels of awareness in what are, generally speaking, good practice & observances in any social situation.  In addition, there are also things which are observances specific to the BDSM culture and community interaction.
 
Standards & Context
In an increasingly diverse cultural population, more people are interacting from different perspectives.  These perspectives are in essence a combination of our “cultural frameworks” by which we view the world.  Sometimes referred to as our “world view”, our perspective is shaped by exposure to these cultural influences and our own personal experiences.
Elements of our culture include the values, rituals, habits, and manners observed by a group of people.  These are incorporated into our personal world view.  Typical cultural frameworks in which we learn these elements include, but are not restricted to
•    Familial – as learned from our families, parents and siblings, relatives, and close family friends
•    Regional/Geographic – common within group of people primarily residing within a geographic region
•    Socioeconomic – matters associated with class, caste, rank, trade/profession, and education
•    Belief – common elements within a religion or faith based system imparting key beliefs
Everyone has their own upbringing, a unique combination of values and customs learned from Familial, Geographic, Socioeconomic, and Belief cultures.  While there are broad commonalities, there is sufficient difference in how these cultural inheritances interact that we cannot assume we know the context of another person.
Essentially, while it seems there may be much in common between you and another person, chances are you are completely wrong. That is, until you get to know them well enough to establish the commonalities beyond your initial assumption.  It is better to assume there is nothing standard or predictable about another person’s world view and their cultural context.
 
 Engagement
Considering we really have no idea about the other person, how can we even begin to get to know them better?  That’s what collective social skills are for.  Call them manners, social etiquette, politeness, courtesies… or as I call them…  Social Protocols.
What is a protocol??  In general, it is a code of conduct or action prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette, behavior, or procedure.  Examples include diplomatic protocols, medical/health protocols, and even network communication protocols.  Social protocols are therefore your rules of engagement, communication, and method of behavior.
In something like submissive or slave protocols, there are often prescribed modes of behavior dependant on the circumstances, such as how to address their Dominant or Owner in public versus in private, how to ask permission or wait for attention, etc. You can read about these on the web.
Etiquette and social protocols are often prescribed within a combined geographic and socioeconomic context, by which one can interact and hopefully avoid making a major mistake or public faux pas.   The aim is to typically create some standard that opens communication and interaction without intruding on beliefs, values, or privacy.
 
Common Social Protocol
Many of the following protocols would be considered “common sense” to those that have lived in a particular place for a period of time.   Typical social etiquette or manners typically assume a “first meeting”, and may be slowly loosened over time as familiarity increases. Even still, observing these social protocols are good to observe and will rarely steer you wrong.  In most countries, these include manners such as:
•    Short greetings such as “hi”, “hello”, “nice to meet you”.
•    Standing while making introductions (except for elderly, disabled, sick).
•    Using a brief yet “firm” handshake where acceptable (not limp nor trying to overpower).
•    Answering honestly but politely (greater offense is taken when actions and words to not agree).
•    “Please” and “Thank you” are very important to show polite gratitude.
•    Don’t stare or hold a gaze too long, as it can be seen as hostile or threatening.
•    Keep conversation short and light, with simple questions or answers; this builds basic rapport and avoids monopolizing.
•    Be judicious when sharing details about yourself, your life, and your health to avoid giving “Too Much Information” (TMI).
•    >Give others a chance to participate in the conversation, actively invite them to share their thoughts or feelings.
•    Do not challenge matters of religion or politics; accept their stance and appreciate their right to their beliefs.
•    Avoid interrogating with rapid fire questions or probing into personal details; this can put people on the defensive.
•    Don’t bring attention to a disability, disfigurement, or call attention to that which may seem uncomfortable.
•    Do not ask as to a woman’s weight or age, or make comments that might make another feel self-conscious.
These are only the basics, and if you search the web on social customs or etiquette you will find much more for any variety of regions and countries and settings (social, business, family, etc).  My job isn’t to substitute for finishing school or teach you basic manners.  My point is that these manners DO matter if you want to interact with others and avoid making serious errors in social settings.
 
BDSM Social Protocols
The communities within BDSM have their own concerns beyond basic social manners and etiquette.  The primary reason for this is increased sensitivity to Privacy and a value system that espouses Respect and Consent.  Indeed, due to the relatively sensitive and controversial nature of “kink culture”, these observances are highly valued today – especially those with formal training and the leather culture.  These include, but are not limited to:
•    Honesty of the Self – give solid thought to your desires, needs, limits – know and respect yourself
•    Honesty with Others – give a plain truth answer with respect and courtesy; no need to elaborate if another respects you
•    Respect the Individual – do not assume you know them, their kinks, comfort zones, or their limits
•    Respect Privacy – do not ask intimate questions about where someone lives or works
•    Respect their Body – do not touch unless given explicit permission, this does not include flirting/suggestions
•    Respect the Collar – if a submissive is collared, ask permission to talk; NEVER hit on them
•    Respect Choices of Others – don’t challenge or judge other people's orientation, identity, or lifestyle
 
Challenges
While most of these little rules of observance seem like common sense once you look at them, they tend to escape a lot of people.  For example, I’ve seen some people at a munch run down the “Don’t” list like it’s a contest to score points.  A new person may walk in and right away someone may start with personal questions, interrogating them for interests or kinks, getting into personal space, looking to hookup, etc.  Suffice to say, this will put people off and you have just may have lost the opportunity to bring them into the community with alienating behavior.
This problem seems to be everywhere though, not just within the BDSM community.  In the age of social media and an increase in narcissistic tendencies, the need for the individual to just “do what they want” without considering  the others around them is a prevalent problem. In the scene, the old rules that you don’t ask where people live, or where they work, because that is a violation of privacy which should be respected above all else is being forgotten.
The concept of appropriate behavior, manners, and privacy are slipping. In part, we have an entertainment industry that seems content with producing shows that glorify people behaving badly. Social media gives casual and instant ability to spout off opinions and intimate life details, and things generally held private are now being publicly broadcast.
The instant “me” culture and media bias has fostered the All & Now mentality, eroding practices regarding building trust over time, delayed gratification, self-discipline, and emotional self-regulation and control.  From a social perspective, it provides the illusion that we are entitled to know the most intimate details of someone’s life on day one.  From a scene perspective, it has added to a trend of jumping in with both feet without building a foundation of trust, an understanding of the other, and often ignores acknowledging risks.
These are dangerous trends that need to be managed, and it’s not just within the scene… it’s everywhere.
 
Solutions
The only thing anyone can ever really hope to know with any certainty is themselves – their views, needs, limits, etc.   For the individual, this means knowing yourself well and defining/defending your boundaries.  For the BDSM and kink community, we must ante up and counter the trend by educating/evangelizing the core values around respect, honesty, communication, risk awareness, and consensuality – and being consistent in that message by ensuring these are reflected in policies at events, dungeons, play spaces, and the like.
As an individual, here are a few tips for dealing with this sort of thing.
•    Define Boundaries: it’s up to you to decide what type of social boundaries YOU will define. Consider also your response to those that test them with polite, yet firm, resoluteness. As long as you know where you stand, you will have an easier time dealing with potential issues when they arise.
•    Communicate Boundaries: speak your limits up front and set expectations. If others feel that is offensive or cold, that is a problem with their expectations and feelings, not yours. Don’t be shy to tell a person or group what you will or won’t discuss. Nothing wrong with saying “hey I’m just checking things out, so nothing too personal please…”
•    Defend Boundaries: also known as sticking to your guns. It doesn’t matter if what other people do is “normal” or not (especially since “normal” is such a loaded word in this community); what matters is your own sense of values and boundaries, provided they are generally respectful. That means having consequences in mind for those who cross the line.
•    Commit when Acting: action may be a simple “that’s actually a very personal question which is inappropriate at this time”, etc.  Alternatively, it could be bringing up the breach of social protocol to a host or DM, who should respond quickly to such issues.  Lastly, there is simply not returning to an event or occasion for a time in the hopes the natural rotation of people has changed a little or other lessons have been learned and they have matured a little; such a decision should be accompanied by a personal message to the organizer about the problem experienced at that time or later if you need to calm and cool down to avoid a regrettable incident.
NOTE: Do not make breaches of social protocol and etiquette a public spectacle.  I can’t emphasize this enough – any breach in social protocol or etiquette should not be taken to public forums and announced broadly.  Folks tend to get tremendously confused about this, so let me address it directly.  (1) When one person behaves poorly, that is a reflection of their lack of maturity or development. In such a scenario, you need to maintain faith in yourself that you behaved responsibly – and demonstrate that behavior consistently and respectfully with others in the future.  It’s hard to be slighted, and then take the honorable path, but it’s worth it because your Good Example is proof enough of your character.  (2) If offended and you take it to a public forum, then it shows an inability on your part to self-restrain emotions and a need for approval & validation through others, which is generally seen also as a lack of maturity and development.  (3) Compare it to speaking to your boss or superior in private, versus questioning or challenging them in a public forum. The latter will leave you in a bad position and diminish you in the eyes of others you need to work alongside.
 
Closing
I hope this has helped, or at least provided some food for thought.  It is certainly my hope that this has largely been an exercise in the obvious. However, since we come from such diverse cultural contexts and perspectives, and technology is substantially changing how we interact, it’s still worth a closer look.  Reflect on the information and give it thought. Do your best to hold true to your needs and boundaries by respecting yourself, and well as being respectful to others.
Also, using web resources by searching on manners, etiquette, or “how to behave at a dinner party”, will yield you plenty of results.  For those with behavioral social integration challenges (such as high functioning aspergers, depression, social anxiety, etc) the wealth of information on the web may be comforting in that there are rule by which you can guide yourself and be reasonably successful. Yes, effort will be needed, but there is information and help available.





           For your own safety  but just read your state law's have consent. Be careful every country and state is different.  Do your research on how to keep it safe in your own home behind closed doors. Yes some are in to pain but not all D/s is bad it their difference in abuse vs  D/s discipline and Domestic discipline its not the same. 

 Time and place for everything.   But if you see someone in danger who crosses the line, call your local authorities. BDSM clubs have to go by laws and safety just as public places have to be responsible  for others.  At hospitals and local restaurants so on  they are trained when it comes to some things they will have to help someone.  


For example this could be online social environment or first life some things can be used. Not all places are the same but find what suit you what you vibe with if not for you move to the next.

In case you're wondering what this place is, I would like to inform you is a social group where like minded friends can hang around, get something interesting to read or simply use the facilities it provides.    
A lot of friends have helped in various ways, in order for our friends and guests to feel comfortable and welcomed.  
Who owns it? All of us do.
Who runs it?   All of us do.

An open BDSM and lifestyle group where all are welcome either nilla,  Dominants, submissives, slaves, gay. lesbians, goreans, goth, vamps, TG/TS/TV etc.
The Library is neutral, respecting all points of view from all levels in the spirit of RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink), and we try to avoid extreme egos, attitudes, abuse or drama.  

The Library is about discussions, readings and passing of information on BDSM as well as supporting each other in our interests.
We are not a sex club with shows and a drive to pay the bills, however .. donations for decorations, prizes, events  etc. are more than welcome.  
Our members do everything from just sitting around and hanging out, to playing games, reading for each other, playing at the public dungeon or simply enjoying the company of friends and like minded guests.        
     
More for online places example but also some can be used in real life if place has such guidelines. 
                            A "sanctuary" for A/all.  
                                           
Submissive and slaves are protected when wearing the group tag.  They  are cared for and should be respected.  After all, respect is mostly what this lifestyle is about.  Please take a few minutes to check out their profiles before IMing or attempting anything.

Complete nudity is forbidden at the Library area (topless is allowed), however there are no restrictions at the dungeon level.

The atmosphere here is one of respect and tolerance.  Please respect people's space and their views.  We are all here to learn and support each other in this wonderful world of BDSM and SL. For us BDSM and D/s are a matter of personal choice.  There is no right way or wrong way to do it, there is just your way.  You have your unique vision and others do too, and we like to be open to new ideas and views.

Last but not least ... we are a public Library and we are always open for ideas on books, topics, erotic literature and poems as well as general genre titles.   Feel free to submit any stories, poems or books and we will include them in our collections with reference to you of course.

Finally, we once again welcome you 


=====================================

Following are The place of Guidelines.  We reserve the right to change these guidelines at any time for the sake of the community as a whole, for the protection of our community.

1) As a general idea : behave in the Library like you would do in RL.

2) There is no dress code while at the Library.  Any kind of outfit is acceptable according to one's taste.  Total nudity is not allowed at the Library area, however being topless is not considered being nude.  

3) Respect others as equal chatters and use common sense. Rules that come from your kink are your and your partner's private thing, please do not expect others to comply with them.   Please be respectful of others' choices / lifestyles / boundaries just as we're sure you would expect them to be respectful of yours.  Just because their way is not your way does not make it wrong. This does not limit discussing things from a critical angle, just make sure that you use facts, theories and not insults when you debate.

4) This place  loves romance. Please keep in mind that people also have a right for privacy and refrain from trolling IM's to find your match. It never hurts to ask before you IM.

5) We aren't a national park, but we ask you for a no littering policy. If you build here or rez prims, please clean up after you're done.

6) Visitors are always welcome and we try to greet everyone.  If you haven't been greeted, do feel free to have a seat, speak up and introduce yourself.  We want to know you.

7) For the protection of everyone and to preserve the general feeling of peace and comfort, we must insist on a no weapons policy.  A blade/sword worn for decorative purposes is not considered a weapon. However, a sword drawn against another avatar, push scripts, particle guns, etc... are considered weapons and not allowed. Using Push/Eject will yet be used to ensure privacy in a closed public dungeon.  

Whenever a submissive is on display, nobody is allowed to touch them.  Them being there doesn't mean they are up for grabs.

9) Any avatar committing acts commonly considered to be "griefing" not be allowed here any more.  This includes using weapons to disrupt the community's activities, using multiple scripted objects to damage the sim, verbal harassment of group members, etc. We do not see trolling as a social experiment.  

10) No child-sized human avies. This is an adult community.

11) The Group IM  is only for group announcements.

Finally, we are here to enjoy ourselves and get to know each other, the last most important rule...... enjoy your stay !

               

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 11, 2022

A suggestion if I might.. This topic really should be on a blog.

While I usually read and understand posts on a thread so as to reply thoughtfully, but these?--- Both way too long. For me, anyway.

But you two did put me in the mood to log out of here and go to the library.

Just sayin'.

Notely • Sep 11, 2022

Thank you for words

IKR  The Library yes has erotica and story's some d/s books but some are online you have to look up from a store or blog.
Then again could be the magic school bus going on a field trip.
The library is a place in the virtual world but is another realm was just used as a example, some things  are sorta like online and first life.

I write long paragraphs like a novel but my trait to be honest to be helpful like to give a helping hand just old school way of manners maybe not the norm of today. It's a trait that will be with me forever.

Notely • Sep 11, 2022

More of a Article

I'mME • Sep 13, 2022

ElegantlyMade,

I took am a person of honesty, prone to relate a story to illustrate a point, let the person I post to know that I understand their words, there could be several reasons why someone would relate a personal story. I tend to fret these days if I explained something well so I have reverted back to just keeping things shorter which tends to come across more brusque.[
I am a person that will have a conversation with just about anyone to try and understand where they are coming from, it's important to me.
But these days I often find that people just are not what or who I want to be around.
I will try and solve an issue before something becomes an issue, however, I do not want to sit around and gossip about others [I tell people to their face I'd I have an issue, not everyone else, It's the way I have always conducted myself] I am not in middle school and even when I was I would play the peace maker. I do not want to walk around with my stomach filled with nervous and uncomfortable feelings, and I DON'T.
I wind this up before the man at this gas station calls the police on me, LMAO.
I am of the opinion that when entering a new place [whatever it may be] that the owner come up with a policy sheet and there is a nicely lit small area with a few tables and chairs and each person reads and initials each policy on the sheet.
Yes, this is necessary so that people can not later say
[Oh, I did not know]
Then a copy is made one goes in file and one goes home with the person.
At a dungeon, if said owner wanted to be lenient I guess have a system where 1 infraction so and so may happen, 2 infractions so and so may happen.
Personally I would give a warning then they are out next time anything happens. It could be that they would be put on their ass the first time.

I'm sorry but as an adult people should know better than to touch someone that they do not know, I don't care what lifestyle they are living... [Hahaha see what I did]
Also people know to not touch things that do not belong to them.
If everyone is quiet watching something, then if they do not pick up on social ques [sp], then that may require some attention, but social ques are important. Being quiet is not one of those types things that may be a little difficult for some to grasp. It's literally quiet and one should be able to see why.

I could go on and on, but the man is looking at me funny, I just 1aves and smiled.

Nonya

Ingénue{VK} • Sep 13, 2022

Tldr

MasterBear​(other butch) • Sep 13, 2022

Love this post!

So- i dont bother attempting to validate my relationship to the outside world.
To me, that is pointless.

If someone "likes" me they will attempt to validate my relationship.

If they dont they won't.

I am in a 24/7 M/s interracial dynamic.
I own a black slave. Have been for 23 +years. We are lesbians.


In our very beginning- we were invalidated OVER AND OVER by the BDSM, poly, and lesbian communities. INVALIDATED.

I dont have the time, energy, desire to be validated by the world.


I do- remain open and approachable.

But that is the END of my job.

There will always be reasons for others - no matter in or out of the bdsm community- to invalidate someone elses relationship.

I dont care.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Sep 13, 2022

I agree with MasterBear, my question after reading this was why would I seek external validation from people that have no impact in my world? I wouldn’t, I feel no need for anyone to agree with me, we do what we do because that’s what we have chosen. If I am not seen as fit or relevant in a community, I don’t care either.

testosteroneandtacos • Sep 13, 2022

I've been unclear. I'm not talking about whether anyone should personally feel like they need to prove to others that their lifestyle is ok. If you see a dynamic between someone else, and there are questions if it strays into unhealthy or abusive territory, do you feel as if there is social accountability to show some way of validating that they are in fact both happy, healthy, and engaged entirely by choice? Do you feel any responsibility as an outside party to assess that, and/or take any actions to verify that the participating parties are actually ok?