What came first? The relationship or the BDSM?

What came first? The relationship or the BDSM?

insubordinate​(sub male) • Jan 3, 2024

Greetings

I have a question for y'all. For those in 24/7 relationships, which came first? Did you meet your partner by looking for someone into BDSM and then found you and they built a relationship together? Or were you in a vanilla relationship and then opened a discussion on your kinks and that let to your relationship changing to a Femdom or M/f relationship? If so, how did the announcement go when you stated you were kinky and wanted to change your relationship a bit (or a whole lot)? Curious minds would like to know....

SnowWhiteSubOZ​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 4, 2024

The relationship, we vanilla dated first as I was just recently divorced and finishing up my personal work from that.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 4, 2024

The kink came first since early humans were pretty much banging one another at random without any "relationships" as we think of them, forming.

It's conceivable some random fucks were rougher than others and some liked it that way.

It's the original "primal".

That's my estimation anyway.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Jan 4, 2024

In our case we met here. Once we found that the BDSM was a match for us we then built a relationship while incorporating D/s. I feel like we have a good mix of both worlds in our dynamic. We exist in the vanilla world and have D/s always running in the background. When I was looking, I wanted someone who fit with me in all ways, and we were lucky enough to find each other!

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 4, 2024

Never mmind. Thought it was a "chicken or the egg" type question. Individual experiences vary of course.

Sorry for the mis-post.

lambsone • Jan 4, 2024

My current Dom/Master and I met 3 months ago here at the cage. I am not collared to him yet as we aren't at that point. I was looking for a BDSM match but also someone I could get along with in a Vanilla relationship. He was looking for a submissive and discovered my profile, then reached out to me. We began talking, he did some long distance "training" of me initially, and then we settled into a Vanilla get to know you stage that we're in right now. Sickness and exhaustion have toned down the training and BDSM conversations and activities for now. I'm glad we are taking the time to build a solid foundation where consistent BDSM, D/s can be added to at some point. That's what I would like to see happen at least. And we have similar cultural backgrounds with roots not far from where we were each born. That has helped us connect as well. We probably visited the same Mall together without even knowing each other existed. It helps to have these connections when you didn't grow up together on the same block or something.

Lockland​(dom male) • Jan 4, 2024

I came here looking for a sub and found much more. Really, all I was looking for was a competent sub to serve me. I found the right sub and then discovered she was so much more...a woman who was intelligent and articulate, who shared nearly all my interests and passions, both in D/s and in the world in in general. We are now in a committed long-distance relationship and will be 24/7 in person later this year.

DeepEmbrace​(dom female) • Jan 5, 2024

BDSM, kink, and fetish are not optional for me in any way shape or form so I don't even consider vanilla people as potential partners. So, for me, the bdsm/kink/fetish comes first in the sense that that is the only dating pool that I am ever in. I don't consider vanilla people OR people who are seeking bedroom only.

darlingdiana​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2024

i have been so confused, and was in a place of such disappointment....i had thinking on this same question. my only MASTER did not explain anything about the lifestyle and i was not allowed to look anything up. Yes, i was a newb, my first 3 hrs on a site, had never even read a profile, and that lasted 7 yrs on/off. It was LDR, my choices and awareness were removed from me from day 1. i just did not know better at the time, and like many knew too late.
i was in a type of void wondering if the truth was, the 2 do not go together and the kink fizzles out eventually, the love is not there or is not meant for this lifestyle, nor are lives shared etc.
All of your posts have really made my day, and i don't have to give up any part of myself. For all of the members that have found that, and wrote about it, i loved it because it moved me- YAY and soooo amazing to read.
thanks!

Bunnie • Jan 7, 2024

For me personally, the vanilla aspects of life and the BDSM aspects aren’t compartmentalised. So it’s about simply getting to know each other as we are.
I need for it to all flow and grow naturally for it to feel authentic. If it seems like the Other feels they need to “step into a role” at times for BDSM to be present within our relationship, I see straight through it and it doesn’t work for me… I need to know it’s an intrinsic part of who they are, regardless of whether I’m there or not.