Submission: is it someone's choice or their nature?

Submission: is it someone's choice or their nature?

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Apr 4, 2025

Is submission someone's choice or their nature?

I was surprised to read the other day that submission is not a part of someone's personality that it is a conscious decision one makes. I don't entirely agree.

Obviously, one can choose to be submissive, but there are those to whom submission is their nature. They can choose to further develop their submission as a skill set like a person who's not naturally submissive, but the inclination is already there and the skill set comes more naturally to them.

It matters to me because there is a certain submissive energy I'm drawn to that I don't feel from every submissive. I believe it's the energy of one who's naturally submissive, but I'm not so sure. I haven't thought about how much submission is a choice and skill set to develop as opposed to submission being someone's nature. Maybe the energy I prefer comes from the s-type's skill set more than it does her nature.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Submission, is it Nature or Nurture

SavannahLyn​(sub female)​{~Umbee~} • Apr 4, 2025

Well, there are definitions that we must explore before we can really answer that. All of these have been taken from the Merriam-Webster website.

-Submission:
-- a. an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection)
-- b. the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
-- c. an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

- Submit: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another
- Humility: the quality or state of being humble
- Humble: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference
- Compliant: ready or disposed to comply
- Comply: to conform, submit, or adapt (as to a regulation or to another's wishes) as required or requested
- Authority: power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior
- Control: to exercise restraining or directing influence over


Humility, the desire to submit, and adapt are a part of one’s personality. Those would be the nature part of the equation.
But, the acts of submitting, those are choices. Choosing to yield, and comply, and conform to another’s authority and control, are a core part of being a submissive.

Or, to put things on another slant. Being a submissive is nature, but submitting is a choice.

Grizzledoldman​(dom male) • Apr 4, 2025

I'm gonna screw with everyone's minds just a bit.

Some psych major is gonna come along and argue with me, and I will likely lose but:

Dominance and submission are not REALLY listed among basic personality traits. In my mind, they are a mix of basic personality traits that both Doms and subs share. They are just expressed differently. We are all (again personal opinion) on the same level. We gravitate toward things like giving direction or accepting direction in different ways. We express our basic characteristics in different ways and that is why we are so drawn each to the other.

Not a hill I'm willing to die on, but folks, we are REALLY not that different.

NarahPrimal​(sub female) • Apr 4, 2025

For me I have always been submissive it's in my nature.
Always putting others above myself or doing things I know I probably shouldn't but it's who I am. But then regards to the lifestyle do I just submit to anyone ? NO that takes time, trust, connection. So yes submissive by nature but I choose who I fully submit to.
Gosh hope that made some sense lol

Re: Submission, is it Nature or Nurture

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Apr 4, 2025

Appreciate your thorough break-down, analysis and conclusion.

Interesting that you re-pose the question as Nature or Nurture, though. Nurture is the environment and experience that shapes you. It might shape your choice, but it's not your choice. I didn't want to bring all the environmental and experiential factors into the question, just the choice. Some are conditioned into submission. They are raised without choices and depend on others to make their choices for them. They never have a choice so they never make one. Excluding that type of "submissive" I am asking is submission hard-wired into your personality, or is it a choice?
I like your answer. It's academic and clear. You arrive at an equation involving both nature and choice, and I agree, except for the ones I mention.

SavannahLyn​(sub female)​{~Umbee~} • Apr 4, 2025

This is why i defined submission and used the terms in the definition that applied to personality, rather than active behaviour. ^.^

Re: Submission, is it Nature or Nurture

SavannahLyn​(sub female)​{~Umbee~} • Apr 4, 2025

That was a bit of an oops, i did not replace the subject line after i omitted the nurture part and replaced it with active choice. Distraction won the moment there. ^.^

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Apr 4, 2025

I agree we all have a needle that gauges from submissive to Dominant, and it reads differently according to the context and situation. I don't tell my doctor what to do. I depend very much on her telling me what to do. In fact, I'm 100% submissive on the operating table. At the dinner table, though, it's a different story.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Apr 4, 2025

It makes perfect sense. Fits right into Savanah's equation. Thank you for sharing!

MasterDarcy​(dom male) • Apr 4, 2025

Both.

Choice, because one can choose to either to be in a BDSM relationship or be in a vanilla relationship.

Nature, because a human being's neural circuits are wired at birth. The cognitive functions are set: Supporting thinking, learning, etc, are mostly set with the forming of your brain. With epigenetics being the ingredient that gives the mind an extra kick.

With the majority of behavioural issues, though, there are nuances. One of the many nuances is personal trauma. Personal trauma can condition sexual preference as well as conditioning kinks and fetishes.

Contrary to popular belief in the media, kinks and fetishes aren't triggered solely by negative experiences.

Yes, I'm sure being hurt by a drunk clown at a children's party could very well spaw a turn you into a Bozosexual. On the other side of the coin, a pleasant childhood experience triggered one of my main kinks.

Circling back to the choice of being in a BDSM relationship or a vanilla relationship:

I've known countless submissive women who have chosen the road most travelled: White picket fence, marriage, children. Pretty much a "Hallmark" picture of a perfect vanilla marriage.

However, what's brewing beneath the surface is a submissive who is in a gilded cage. Like a caged lioness trying to break free. Roaring and clawing at the bars, only for her efforts to be in vain and her endeavours to be given short shrift by the cage that she created for herself.

The only choice when it comes to being a sub, or a Dom or a Domme or a slave, etc, is whether you wish to embrace it or not.

Me, personally, I could just as soon become a submissive as I could take flight.

I've always been a Dominant. I've almost always had a controlled controlling streak as well as a thread of sadism and deep dark moroseness. It's not always been controlled, though. When I was a child, it was a wee bit uncontrollably at times. However, with me, age came wisdom and calmness and growth.