Respecting your Sub

Respecting your Sub

sweetserenity​(sub female) • Sep 13, 2018

As a dom, what are the lines between being firm with your sub and being rude? How do you maintain your position of power & dominance without hurting her feelings or feeling like you’re coming down on her?

SubforHim​(sub female) • Sep 13, 2018

I am not a Dom...but I feel like the difference with me is how I am treated on a regular basis as well as the ever-so-important aftercare. My Dom is very firm but always treats me with respect, always listens to me and values my opinion. So when he comes down on me, I understand where it’s coming from and it is not meant to be disrespectful on any level.

DomForHer​(dom male) • Sep 13, 2018

I strongly believe in taking care of my sub just as she does me. I will not hesitate to issue a punishment if a rule is broken or she is being bratty or out of line. But when she is a good girl she knows I will take care of her. Also it is important to remember that we are in a relationship and are partners. I still value her opinion and take into account her feelings and moods. The dynamic allows us to have a deeper connection and get the release we both need.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Sep 14, 2018

Hrrm... I don't really think there's an all encompassing answer to this. What pops into my head are two short answers; 'I don't' and 'Know your sub'

I don't...maintain my position of power and dominance any more than I maintain my breathing. If my sub doesn't feel that from me, then it's a problem. The bond is weak or non existent. If I feel the random urge to exert power and dominance, then I need to check myself and leave the chest pounding to the apes and the insecure.

Know your sub... because what is rude to one is arousing to another, or even from one moment to the next. If I'm hurting feelings, I fucked up. Monitoring that is the same skill as reading body language, etc. If you cross a line there, the signs should be clear to you. An internal yellow or red indicating that you need to slow or stop and find out exactly what went wrong and why.

I think it's very important to discuss punishment and how your sub feels about it very early on. A sub with experience has probably had 'punishment' that was either boring and useless and only caused them to lose respect for their former Dom, or abuse passed off as punishment that was traumatic. Repeat those at your peril, even if they've worked with other subs you've had.

sweetserenity​(sub female) • Sep 14, 2018

Wow you guys are really on point, I love it

SeekingU​(dom male) • Sep 14, 2018

Boils down to respect and communication

HisSecretSub​(sub female) • Sep 15, 2018

Perfect answer!!

Savida​(other female) • Sep 15, 2018

Great answers so far—I’d add that what you do and ask her to do should have a reason of some sort and you need to make sure she understands what it is. For me, that really helped me trust and especially early on.

So sometimes you’ll have to explain yourself—don’t be afraid to, or feel that it’s “not domly” or whatever. Honest constant raw communication. Avoid knee jerk reactions—feel, process, think, THEN do and say. That can keep you from making so many mistakes.

But, the buck stops with you—when you mess up or don’t get it quite right, and you will because you’re a human and not a god, then apologize sincerely and make it right. Act with care and their well being in mind, keep that front and center, and keep communicating. Don’t be afraid to be wrong, and that will take you pretty far.

I wish you the best of luck.

Angele​(sub female) • Sep 16, 2018

I'm new here but loved reading this topic.
Everyone's points were so well thought out.
As a newbie I think the only thing I could ad would be that trust should go both ways in a D/s relationship. If a Dom wants a sub to do something and they usually respond to all commands but suddenly they are difficult than the sub wants to trust that the Dom will want to find out why. I feel a sub who has a caring Dom that is willing to listen is a sub who has more trust and and an even great willingness to do anything and everything to please their Dom. The mental aspects of Domination are as exciting as the physical to me.

SevenSeven • Sep 16, 2018

100% accurate. Well said!