Understanding Consent from a perspective of reflection

Understanding Consent from a perspective of reflection

david zh​(dom male) • Oct 16, 2018

Hi everyone.

I know this might seem strange but I wanted to post a link to a podcast that is one of my favorites.
The podcast is one of the highest standards in radio production so it will keep your attention.

Radiolab.
https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-1

The episode I am linking above is particularly important because it is a precursor to some conversations the show will investigate over the next few episodes.
They report at the end of this show that they will talk to large samples of people from different expertise and opinions. One of those will be BDSM perspectives but I think the episode is very good.

I don't want to say that I have learned something because that happens all the time so this is not so special in that way but the perspective is very interesting.
In BDSM we play with power exchange and I think everyone does this but our perspectives have different baseline expectations to adjust the rules.

I think this series may touch on areas that will feed a smart conversation about the way in which people are exploring sex-positive perspectives but also how they often end up in situations that are consent confusing to even themselves.

Let me know if you listen to it and like it, or not.

.david.

Villanelle​(staff) • Oct 16, 2018

The summary looks very interesting. I will make a point of listening to it. Thanks for sharing David!

Ingénue{VK} • Oct 18, 2018

An interesting show. I am slightly in awe that someone in her 20s has this level of insight and the ability to confront and use her own experience to draw out really important aspects of this discussion. The interview with her Dad was highly amusing. I look forward to the rest of the series.

david zh​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2018

Next part has been released. (NO - Part 2)

https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-2

This one is both frustrating to listen and refreshing. I really don't like the gender generalizations.
I feel it is very good to hear conversations about this topic that will feed into more mainstream views.

The BDSM world is so very focused on consent and validation, our view is very important to bring forward.
I think the next chapter of this podcast will cover some topics we are focused on, they keep hinting toward it.

The mainstream narrative has a perception of BDSM as a "strange or kink thing".
However, in light of this #metoo movement and some of the related "backlash", it is worth noting that we have a very important contribution.
(also thinking of the essay from Susan Faludi with the same name "Backlash" from the 90s and her work 10 years later called "Shafted")

Point being... BDSM is actually way more focused on a mature view of sexuality as a consenting bond.
The dynamic of power exchange, role play, intimacy barriers, exploration, and self-discovery is just looking less obscure the deeper people explore these topics of sexual assault.

Anyway... this stuff comes down to a basic understanding of people and intimacy.

I will tell you something interesting...

I can see that I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger around the age of 18-23 years. There were times that it was hard to see and really read the situation and while I am very aware of it now, I can say, it is not always so obvious.

"Listening" with your ears, eyes, hands, mind, and heart is a very good way to be aware of this delicate power tool called, sex.

.D.

david zh​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2018

and one more thing... sorry. lots of posts here...
Susan Faludi has done some really interesting perspectives on gender roles and I think this powerful for people who are curious about it.

Major works

Faludi's 1991 book Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women argued that the 1980s saw a backlash against feminism, especially due to the spread of negative stereotypes against career-minded women. Faludi asserted that many who argue "a woman's place is in the home, looking after the kids" are hypocrites, since they have wives who are working mothers or, as women, they are themselves working mothers. This work won her the National Book Critics Circle Award for general nonfiction in 1991.[11] The book has become a classic feminist text, warning women of every generation that the gains of feminism should not be taken for granted.[12] In 2014, high-profile women such as journalists Jill Abramson and Katha Pollitt, actress/writer Lena Dunham, and feminist novelist Roxane Gay, among many others, reread each of the chapters of the book and examined their contemporary relevance. In September 2015, Bustle.com included Backlash among its list of "25 Bestsellers from the last 25 years you simply must make time to read."[13]

In her 1999 book Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man Faludi analyzes the state of the American man. Faludi argues that while many of those in power are men, most individual men have little power. American men have been brought up to be strong, support their families and work hard. But many men who followed this now find themselves underpaid or unemployed, disillusioned and abandoned by their wives. Changes in American society have affected both men and women, Faludi concludes, and it is wrong to blame individual men for class differences, or for plain differences in individual luck and ability, that they did not cause and from which men and women suffer alike.[14]

In The Terror Dream Faludi analyzes the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in light of prior American experience going back to insecurity on the historical American frontier such as in Metacom's Rebellion. Faludi argues that 9/11 reinvigorated in America a climate that is hostile to women. Women are viewed as weak and best suited to playing support roles for the men who protect them from attack.[15][16] The book was called a "tendentious, self-important, sloppily reasoned work that gives feminism a bad name" by the New York Times principal book reviewer Michiko Kakutani.[17] Another New York Times journalist, John Leonard, stated "In The Terror Dream a skeptical Faludi reads everything, second-guesses everybody, watches too much talking-head TV and emerges from the archives and the pulp id like an exorcist and a Penthesilea."[18] Sarah Churchwell in The Guardian says, "Ultimately Faludi is guilty of her own exaggerations and mythmaking, strong-arming her argument into submission."[19] On the other hand, Kirkus Reviews claimed that the book was a "rich, incisive analysis of the surreality of American life in the wake of 9/11" and that it was "brilliant, illuminating and essential."[20] Reviewing the book for Fresh Air, Maureen Corrigan praised Faludi for her "characteristic restraint and depth of research" and for her "rigorous insistence on truth".[21]

Faludi's most recent book, published in 2016, is In the Darkroom with Henry Holt & Co; it is about the "fluidity and binaries" of "modern transsexuality", inspired by Faludi's father coming out as a transgender woman.[22]

CK45​(sub female) • Oct 20, 2018

Thank you for sharing this! ?
I just finished listening to the first one.
I think you are correct about the baseline expectations being different in this lifestyle and that allows some play within the act of sex in which there can be less hurt/trauma for individuals if done correctly.
That might be because detailed discussions can/do happen prior, also after care is encouraged?
However if there isnt effective communication or the sub/bottom is too eager, or not strong enough to voice her/his needs I would think it could be even worse...
Super interesting!
Looking forward to that episode.
Thanks again!

david zh​(dom male) • Oct 26, 2018

THE THIRD PART IN THIS SERIES... and BDSM is center stage as the leader in consent.

Mainstream BDSM exposure from an intellectual perspective.

I learned something new too, "Enthusiastic Consent" I like this.

https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-3

This is one I like much more than the other two, not just because of the focus on BDSM.

Really like this.

CK45​(sub female) • Oct 26, 2018

Thank you david!
I enjoyed the second one for sure. The perspectives of the young men she interviews was great. Especially the final one with her “good friend”.
Will be sure to put in my earphones and listen to the third this weekend.

Thanks again for keeping us updated.
Have a great day!
?

CK45​(sub female) • Oct 26, 2018

Good evening,
I listened to the last episode.
Interesting to know that consent is still not always adhered to even in BDSM.
Although the communication is much better on that topic within the community, women might still not want to use the safe word due to the consequences. Also that some Doms still might push even though a firm agreement was made...

Hmm...have to remember to make sure my feet are free if I ever get tied up...lol.
Jk...

Thank you again!
?

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Oct 26, 2018

That third episode's discussion was really interesting regarding how subs may feel they can't safe word/ call red in a scene, specifically in public, because of the consequences that could have on the Dom. Does anyone here, sub or Dom, feel that description (starts around 19 minutes in the podcast linked here) was accurate or inaccurate? How has that played out in your own dynamics?

https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/no-part-3