Predators

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 21, 2018

Thank you all for your replies.


@Fab


All 3 community leaders /predators create their own venues and have been doing so for years.

They create their own pool so to speak.

So there is no stopping them.
What they have been doing is successful.
If you disagree with them you get kicked out of their space and trash talked.


I also wanted to ask---
You had said that a sub can email someone off the person's friend list.


In real time --- why would that be an effective way to find out about them? Assuming one- the friend has ever met them. And two that they are willing to be honest about concerns.




I know that for a long time reputation mattered.

But --- these are different times.

Does it matter so much now?

Depending on who anyone talks to a person can be a saint or a demon

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Nov 21, 2018

We know that in fets friends are not always real friends but more like a collections of kinksters.
Predators would always go through a same scenario or process, so a sub could ask another one on how the connection process went between the predator?

I am really concerned that such a group exist in the USA? It’s almost like a grooming process for abusers..
but if it’s knowed by the community why subs still go to them?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 21, 2018

@Fab

Predators, especially successful ones know how to present, know what to say, now how to act to get their end product. Every failure helps them hone their skills. By the time they have been been doing this for any length of time they are undetectable.


We have the same problems in Vanilla that we do in BDSM.

We wont get rid of it.


I say if your going to ask someone for anothers reputation (which I completely believe to be pointless) instead ask them about their previous partners.
Where are they now?
How long did the relationships last?
Where there commonalities in the past partners? (look, experience level, age?)

Bunnie • Nov 21, 2018

@ MasterBear,

“I know that for a long time reputation mattered.

But --- these are different times.

Does it matter so much now?”

Where I currently live... definitely. It is a small community. People talk. If someone develops a bad reputation, they’re known about and no one will go near them.

Also... when it comes to a fet profile... I look more at who they follow, what comments they’ve made on pics, what writings they liked etc etc. People’s activities tell you a lot.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 21, 2018

To play devil's advocate, what are the checks and balances against a real allegation being taken as false and accusers being shunned as per @MasterBear's situation? Small town tight has two edges,no?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 22, 2018

@Fud


Agreed.

And other devils advocate.


What if I am predatory?
How do I get held accountable?

I run my own events.
I find my own venues.

What if I need to be taken down?

Bunnie • Nov 22, 2018

@ MasterBear, I had a long essay style response written out about how important education is in combatting these kinds of things. I then realised that that’s the problem. It’s always the same old problem... bridging the gap between ideal and reality. What made me delete my original response was taking into account the nature of a new submissive, and how impressionable they are. It’s so easy to say educate educate educate... but the reality is that when you first step out of the bdsm closet, you spend a certain period of time feeling that you need to “prove” that you’re worthy of being in the bdsm lifestyle. That’s when submissives have that big neon flashing sign above them that predators just love. And unfortunately, there’s no hiding that sign. Education can definitely help if you can get them to sit still long enough to read a book, but that also is near impossible.
I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on how you would go about dealing with it, or if you think it’s even possible?

Bunnie • Nov 22, 2018

@ Fud, it’s definitely a double edged sword. I think in a lot of ways, that’s what makes everyone so careful. There’s no room for misunderstanding. It also strongly comes down to those who are the leaders... and the fact that there’s more than one or two. They need to be (and are) able to be not only neutral, but rational, when it comes to dealing with situations/allegations. These people have been long standing and are highly respected in a community that holds everyone to those same standards.
Having said this... it’s never black and white. There will always be (as we’re discussing), those that either slip through the cracks, or those that are falsely accused.

Lady Pheonix​(dom female) • Nov 22, 2018

I think the first thing anyone should do is remember "SAFETY FIRST"

W/we have all heard of how this lifestyle can go wrong

There are basic rules that everyone should observe
First meeting, a public place, with more than 1 exit if possible
If they are REALLY wanting to make sure you are safe, they will almost demand that, and I have, more than once, given money towards a taxi
DO NOT allow them to pay for your taxi, because if they give their name, they can find out where you were dropped off

Second meeting, again a public place, but it should be one where you can have a modicum of privacy
Always remember, if it feels bad, or wrong, or if they make unreasonable demands, SCREAM

Never ever rush into something without thought or care
IF you feel like someone is rushing you, BACK OFF
If you feel insecure where they want to meet, then do not meet there

ALWAYS have a safe call, preferably with someone who knows where, when and whom you are meeting
Keep your safe call updated on what is going on

I know the temptations in meeting someone you click with. TRY not to rush off someplace secluded for play


Recently a girl in Australia was killed, apparently after a meet
This is not the first sadly, and it probably will not be the last

Anyone who wants to give money, or be paid, probably is more interested in money than you,,, avoid those

Also, anyone who cares more about THEIR kinks than YOUR limits

I know this kinda stuff is considered standard, but it is scary how many seem to forget this

Be well,,,,, and be SAFE

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 22, 2018

@Bunnie

I love that you touched on subs wanting to prove themselves.


@Lady Phoenix


My love once said- as our communities have become more complex so has our predators.

Skilled ones wait.
They might even say -

Doyou have a safecall?
Let's meet publicly for your comfort.


Its my opinion that our old ways of keeping safe need to change because smart predators know how to use them against their prey.


I believe they can also create a false sense of security.



That being said---
The first time that I picked my love up for a date. I went and got her and brought her home. She didn't know my last name, I didn't know her last name. She didn't know where I lived. She didn't tell anybody where she was going. I didn't tell anybody somebody was coming over.

We are both very lucky that one didn't try to kill the other and we both ended up dead in an odd Serial Killer standoff.


When my love and I give talks about safety. We openly, honestly, and candidly talk about the realities of when we met and how we proceeded from there.


I have found that over the years by being candid and honest others are too. And many people admit to having safety take a backseat to their crotch. Which I completely understand it's been 17 years and everything takes a backseat to my crotch with my love