Husband doesn't like being "too dominant

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 6, 2019

If your primary cant fulfill your needs pressuring him won't help.
At some point you may start crossing boundaries of his consent.

Do you have other options?
Poly with play and mono with sex?

Emberose​(sub female){X} • Feb 7, 2019

Im at a lost also and when i bring up about our sexual relationship he get upset. See we dont have kids but im a big part of his family. So i can understand why your so guarded.

FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Feb 7, 2019

Open, honest and forthright conversation about sex, kinks, etc is the way forward.

Dont rush into things or pressure. Give lots of feedback when you try new things.

Fudbar is spot on about the way I felt, and have been told others did, about D/s. Particularly when it has not been part of the relationship previously. Building that communication and forthrightness is hard.

Start slow, be safe. Maybe read a book together or try sex dice to get the conversations started.

Wickedmisery​(dom male) • Feb 20, 2019

So, I am going to share a little bit of insight on this topic from that very stand point, his. I am new to this forum, AND new to the whole 'BDSM' thing. I', turning 36 in March, Married - together for 18 years, married for 7 of them - so it's not something I have never heard or seen before. Here is where her story begins about a month ago & my actual story and adventure begins, within the past week.

Backup about a month or so ago my wife (She's 41) and I were in the bedroom, I was asleep one night before work, and she was sitting up watching TV and working on an afghan project for our bed. Well, she was browsing through the On Demand options from Comcast and came across the 50 Shades movies, neither of us have watched them yet, but we both knew what they were about. She proceeded to order & watch them alone, while I was laying sound asleep next to her. Fine. No harm done, other than $15 a pop to the wallet. Needless to say, we now own all 3 of them.

Skip forward a couple of days and after a relatively long dry spell, I send my wife a text and ask if were ok & if she still found me attractive (I know... how pathetic, right? I was at work, she was at home and it crossed my mind, and if I didn't say something about it then, I would've shuffled it under the rug.) Honestly, I was worried and scared, she knows that now. Her response and I quote:

"its not you I have a problem with...its me that I have a problem with...and I really like being the submissive in our relationship but it doesn't seem like you enjoy being the dominant one and taking charge and we come to an impasse."

I proceeded to tell her that I get tired of being the one to do it all (I'll admit, I was an idiot at first & wasn't really picking up what she was putting down until her next message, then it hit me.) I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, all the laundry, most the grocery shopping, etc.. She replies:

"...when it comes to our sex life I get more pleasure and get off more when you are in control."

My response:

""...when it comes to our sex life I get more pleasure and get off more when you are in control." Thats a dangerous statement. Is there anything you want to try/do more of?"

Now you see where this is going... I knew exactly where she was going and she never had to say another word. Needless to say, the rest of the conversation went a little like this...

Her: "Well....yeah...but I'm not sure if you would like the idea of what I'd like to do."
Me: "Seriously. I know you like to swallow, at least I hope you still do, but spit it out."
Her: "Best way I can let you know is say...you need to watch the sex scenes in 50 shades."
Me: "I know where this is going. You want me to tie you up & spank you? " **At this point, I was grinning from ear to ear and was a little excited but nervous**
Her: "And some more things."
Me : "I haven't seen them & im not paying another $45, so your going to have to indulge me a little." **I thought they were PPV, but she bought them**
Her: "Ice, feathers, wax, restriction with your hands on my neck, restraints."

That's all I'll share of that conversation for now kiddos. Anyways. Now that you have a little bit of back story, I have never experienced anything of this genre first hand, whether it be on the receiving or giving end. However, I have always known she gets off more when I take control, this is not the first time she's told me, and to "take what is rightfully mine." But I feel so awful and terrible for doing it. I can't explain it. It's a deep seeded dread, as if I am taking advantage of her. She has ALWAYS allowed me to do WHATEVER I wanted, without question or hesitation. But how can I possibly tie this woman to the bed, or bend her over my knees and spank her? Or drip hot wax down her back? Cause her physical harm and leave red marks (which is my name btw Mark, lol) all over her body and forgive myself? I vowed I would protect her. Half of me says do it, you know she wants it, she asked for it, give her what she wants. The other half, the gentleman side says, 'How dare you bring pain and harm to the one you cherish and love the most.? You need to show her a soft, kind, gentle hand. Treat her like the Queen she is." And that she is, she's my queen and I treat her as such.

It's time for a change.

However, ask and ye shall receive. So I went on the hunt, as she knew I would, and I hit the ground running. In the past 3 days I have written up an extensive contract, put together a checklist of dos/donts/maybes, researched knots & practiced knots, researched restraint kits/systems, toys, cuffs, blindfolds, candles, waxes, floggers, crops, paddles, etc. Yesterday, I even took the day off from work and cleaned the entire bedroom, front to back, side to side, top to bottom, and emptied out the closet completely (We have a 1932 home, so the closets are EXTREMELY small, but, it will make a great place to hang up restraints, cuffs, crops, etc. because the door looks with a key. So all of our toys can be locked away from prying eyes.) This coming Saturday after a class is over she has to complete, I am taking her out to lunch, handing her the contract (Which she knows nothing about.) then making an hour and half long trip one way to our favorite adult store to buy a few things (Restraint kit, cuffs, a glass dildo, a paddle or crop, and some drop candles.) and coming home and having some fun!

Moral of the story, be patient with him. Don't force him to do something he is not comfortable with, it may create a problem that can't be fixed. Sit him down, over dinner and a drink... or.... tie him to the bed, get him all excited, out of that comfort zone, all worked up and then start talking to him. Men are simple, we'll tell you pretty much anything you want to know when were at our most vulnerable, or when we want something. Shit, being tied to the bed, with a raging hard on, and the woman I love naked teasing me would have me answering any & every question she could think of.

I know it's a lot to read, I just hope it helps a little.

MissLucy1 • Feb 22, 2019

I said to a friend vanilla on a certain occasion that I was going to tie it and I did it ... it was pleasant and even went with some practices.
After we smoked and talked and talked about BDSM and practices ... he bothered about it ...
on another occasion he called me and said: Hey, can we play with you tying but not talking about BDSM?
ahahahah
and it was done

Tnjoker​(dom male){My Harley} • Feb 22, 2019

I will just post this here as a food for thought. We often times as guys, and I will only speak for myself here, we get tied up to the thoughts of "I can't hurt her or disrespect her." But the thing to think about is this. You have agreed to honor and cherish her. Does this not also include her mental state? If you know that this does something for her then shouldn't you be open to trying to give her what she needs, within reasons of course? I'm not talking let it cross into the abuse or nonconsent side but just explore maybe new limits. I look forward to everyone's thoughts


Chris