A question for the Doms

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Feb 26, 2019

Dont just "move on", not without trying to communicate and find out what is going on. Connections falter over time sometimes. It happens. A lot more often than people want to admit. You don't just give up though.

Distancing can be incredibly hard. And incredibly unfair to the one on the receiving end of the distance. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this.

My advice, is to tell him you two need to talk - you need to have a serious conversation with him. Make sure he understands this /needs/ to happen. Do not let him ignore you. If he refuses to talk or keeps dragging his feet? Then I suggest advising him that, if he refuses to talk, your intention is to leave - communication is key in these sorts of relationships and it is /not/ okay for him to refuse to talk. People go through things so I'm not judging him yet or seeing him as evil, we dont know what's going on in his life. But if he knows for sure something is wrong because you emphasize the severity of the need to converse and still refuses to talk? That's a bad sign.

If he does agree and sits down to talk with you, let him know everything you're feeling. I mean /everything/. That you're noticing him pulling away, that it hurts, that you have needs that arent being fulfilled... Dont punish him or blame or guilt him, dont tell him, "Everything is your fault!" Because, we dont know - maybe something happened and he didnt know how to talk about it. All you're doing is letting him know you're seeing a problem that needs to be fixed. Be honest with him if this is enough for you to leave him - he needs to know how serious of a problem this is.

Ask him what is wrong. Perhaps even before you tell him what is bothering you. Sometimes, especially when we have issues with ourselves or our emotions (I'm not perfect but I used to be WAY worse about opening up with my love when I was hurt... not as bad as your Dom, if that's what's wrong, but I would hold onto things for a few days and then explode in tears or yell or something... not at all healthy. Now I know to talk to him as soon as possible), we can distance ourselves to try and protect ourselves. Sometimes not even realizing it. Try to find out what is bothering him. Dont ignore your needs, but show you care, even if you're hurt - love is selfless, and sometimes, putting your own pain aside for a moment to help the ones you love is more important. Dont ignore your needs! If something is wrong on his end and you guys resolve it, make sure you still have time to let him know his actions hurt you. Find a compromise if necessary that let's him have time to think but doesnt shut you out, if it's a matter of him having some trouble talking about what is bothering him.

Either way, you definitely need to try and make this conversation happen, before you think of leaving, if that's on your mind. People are, well, human, and humans are flawed to hell. You two arent mind readers, you can't know for sure what the other is feeling. Talk to him, make sure he knows the severity of the situation for you, make sure /he/ is okay, and try to resolve rather than give up.

It's going to be hard as heck. It wont be a fun and easy conversation. And maybe you guys have to chip away at it - it might not be a one time convo and its done. It could take a few days, or weeks. But if you can find the root of the problem and you two can fix it? That's better than just giving up.

And of course, if he agrees to work on things with you but doesnt hold up his end of whatever you two decide on, that's not good either. I personally would warn him one more time if that happens that hes letting you down and you wont accept that, but that could be the sign to leave. That's up to you, and how much you believe he wants to work with you and be with you.

Hopefully you two can find some peace and work things out. If you have questions, need advice, or just need a place to vent, my inbox is always open Good luck and I hope you two can work things out. <3

SubSlaveRose{Owned} • Feb 26, 2019

Thank you so much for your reply. I have no want to give up or walk away nor was it in my mind. Genuinely, I am curious if Dom burn out happens at one point or another. I want to be supportive and find a way forward.
Its killing me being at a distance and worse, thinking I’m unwanted or a burden. In those instances, I would have to leave. The longer I hang on, the more he’d resent me and I genuinely would rather be a stranger than to have him think of me on those terms.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Feb 26, 2019

I feel like it definitely can, I've never had it go as long as you're saying his has, but definitely I've had a day(sometimes days, depending) here and there where I've had enough, I need to not think or do anything, and I dont want to have to plan. Usually happens if we're super busy (like right now haha) and I've been doing a lot of trying to plot out the day/make sure we have time for everything, or I've just planned a trip for us as all of that planning still kinda overwhelms me. Sometimes it can just be that I've had a busy day myself, but not as much. Those days usually see us just vegging out on the couch and me falling asleep ^^; lmao. So, I feel like it can happen. I'm personally a little surprised at the length if that's what's happening to him, but everyone is different, and maybe he hasn't been getting everything he needed to deal with it. Not to say you're messing up! But he may not have expressed it or even allowed you to know everything he needs. Took my love a bit to figure out how to help me through my down-days. It's all a learning process

If that's the issue, I think itll be an easy fix, as long as from here on out he is open with you on whether or not he is feeling overwhelmed/burned out, and you're willing to do what he needs to get back on his feet. But your worry so far makes me think you're ready for that

Hopefully you two can talk soon and figure out what's going on. Chin up, you got this

TDO​(dom male) • Feb 26, 2019

Communication is definitely the primary suspect. But also, I'm assuming that this was just an online thing? If it was, then in that case it's like participating in an event where there is no prize. If there was talk of meeting and future plans but nothing came of it, then the contributing factor would be the "Is this worth it?" thought process. Or for lack of a better term "burn out". We as humans beings were made for relationships, the actual physical type of relationship. Mental and emotional connection is great, but without the physical we all have to ask ourselves "Is it really worth it?" I'm not referring to just sexual physical connection either. But a soft touch of the hand, on the arm, a warm hug, that embrace that without words that say "everything is fine, don't worry, I'm here with you".

Hope this helps,

TDO

SubSlaveRose{Owned} • Feb 26, 2019

Thank you for your response. It wasn't just online, though we do live a good distance apart. I appreciate that adds a level of difficulty to even the most vanilla relationships, even more to an intense D/s one. Thank you again. I will take what you’ve said into consideration moving forward.

nordicfireandice • Feb 26, 2019

Being divorced from one, I have an acute awareness of what to look for in a Dom. Thank god.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 26, 2019

Yes, I have gone through this twice.

The first time was right after our collaring ceremony, and the second was 8 years ago.


It was deeply complicated.

Eventually we talked and made it through.

What I remember most from both times was the fear.
It was overpowering.
It seemed illogical until we talked and then it was like - OMG, that makes so much sense.


Have you tried confronting your D type directly?

Using "I" language and discuss how their actions are making you feel?


If so and they refuse to talk keep pecking at it.

Dont drop the issue.

It's time for a change.


I'm so sorry you are in this.
It is a hard place to be.

Dredmaster38 • Feb 27, 2019

yes it happens to the best of us, it gets old and whenever it does, guys find new exciting things to occupy,but hold your head up because what’s old to him will be refreshing and new to someone else, don’t waste time, dwelling on if you did something wrong, life is too short, live it..his loss! If you were as good as you say, I promise you he’ll come running back, but he won’t until he feels you’re over him, as long as he thinks you’re hurt behind this the longer he will stay away(facts)

SubSlaveRose{Owned} • Feb 27, 2019

Thank you. I dont believe I did anything wrong. He often praised how perfect I was, even stating I deserved someone better. To me though, that felt as if he was trying to convince me I should go of my own accord. I’ve stayed at a distance. Supporting his move away and time to himself, without clinging or badgering. I felt the best way to serve him, was to let him go and do what he needs to. If he decides we’re worth pursuing, then he’ll have to come to the desicion on his own. I don’t think any Dom would appreciate being badgered into a relationship. That goes against my views on the consent aspect of D/s. I know what I offer, which is often what’s left me confused.
Thank you all for your kind responses.

connecttomind • Feb 27, 2019

I think this statement he made to you "even stating I deserved someone better." was the strongest clue he was heading a different direction away from you. Like all others have mentioned communications, he did communicate what he was going to do. You were distracted somehow and did not listen which is a critical part about communications. Don't get me wrong, we all fail at listening from time to time as it is a skill that needs to be constantly nurtured and refined. From my perspective a Dom does not tell his sub such a thing unless they are trying to leave the relationship and don't have the courage to address the issues that cause him to think that way.

You appear to have come to a very good conclusion. It is often said that no one can meet everyone's needs a 100% of the time and I believe that. I live the D/s 24/7 and there are things (not many) that I can't do with my sub that I did with my slave. However, my sub meets my needs 98% of the time and takes very good care of me.

In your statement "I know what I offer" indicates to me that you are strong enough to move on to your next life experience and find a Dom that can take what you offer and know you are the best thing for him. Stay strong and embrace your next steps in the D/s life and you will do very well.