Need advice on building healthy dynamic

Tigger​(sub female) • May 23, 2019

Thank you all for the replies. You've all given me many things to think about.

Rereading my initial post, which I admit to writing from a really bad space, I feel like I should make it clear that my Dom stresses frequently that THESE STRUGGLES will end soon, not our relationship. I stepped on a trigger I didn't know existed. He reacted in a way he didn't expect at a time I wasn't prepared to handle it well.

@Bunnie, I really appreciate your input. It's good to know that what I'm feeling isn't out of the ordinary for the events we've gone through.

@Niccia, I was thinking about this yesterday...finding myself. Identifying myself independently of any other person. Thank you for reiterating that.

@Freya, thank you for the reply. I'm not sure which initial issues you meant. If there's something I can make more clear for more input, let me know.

Thanks again everyone. My Dom and I have had some excellent talks since this happened. I've mentioned taking away the Dom/sub aspect of our relationship while we adjust recently, and while he would like to keep it, he made it crystal clear that he would embrace whatever I need to feel comfortable and happy and grow with him. I feel the same way about him, so...I want to tentatively continue, with what we've learned about each other in mind.
While this obviously seems like an intense, hostile relationship from the little bit that I've conveyed, it's really not. This was a terrible experience between two people who are learning each other and trying to support each other while our outside worlds reshape themselves. We lack the tools to carry us through these hard moments without it becoming an ordeal. I think the only way to gain them is, at least in part, trial and error and learning about ourselves and each other.

Thanks again!

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • May 23, 2019

Tigger,

I will be speaking to more of the top portion here but I’m sure my kitten will be behind me shortly to speak on the submissive side.

There are always things on both sides that can be addressed. Though here I see a lot of issues on the Dom side. It is not uncommon to struggle with drop, to struggle with deviations, or to struggle with lack of consistency. Handling those things are essential responsibilities of being a Dominant and having a submissive. There’s a learning curve to both sides if he is a new Dominant, or even a Dominant learning a new submissive but that I think only allows for being aware of your mistakes and trying to fix them.

Nobody can do exactly what they say they will do 100% of the time but I wonder if he stuck to his word on big things if it would help make the small ones easier. You are definitely not alone in your need for communication and consistency in it. My submissive and I are fortunate enough to see each other fairly regularly even though we live a few hundred miles apart. That means that she goes from wrapped up in our dynamic to on her own over and over again, it doesn’t really ever get easier for her to not have me around, even if only for a few days. The communication is incredibly important in the first 24 hours and I am not perfect and have failed on occasion on those days before. The important thing though is that I have learned from those failures, I do absolutely everything I can to meet those needs that she has, to help ease the drop or just be there for her through it.

It is incredibly important to understand your submissive’s needs and to have a good idea of the why. I know why communication is so important to her. I know that she needs a lot of it. I know that there are some times when I can give her a loose timeframe on when I’ll be back, and that there are other times when something runs long and even though I don’t ask her, I know she could tell me the number of minutes I’ve been gone. I don’t personally believe that those things are issues though. I think it’s just how someone is and part of the dynamic, something that you love because you can see how much they need you.

To me it is extremely concerning that there is a word you can say that would instantly end the relationship. That to me seems incredibly unhealthy and a terrible thing to say to a submissive. My love is going to have bad days, she’s going to pout, throw fits, act up, and I’m sure say mean things from time to time. While it’s not okay to say things, you don’t mean and words have their consequences, I can’t imagine our relationship being successful if she wasn’t confident that no matter what I was going to love her and be there for her.

So this perspective might not be super helpful to you but I don’t think they’re crazy expectations to have in a lifestyle relationship. It can be difficult to communicate especially as you are learning about yourself and your needs, but getting what you need to feel valued, safe, and loved is incredibly important. Keep your expectations for your Dom high, communicate your needs as clearly as possible, and keep reaching out to the community when you need help. You are most certainly not alone. Perhaps show him this thread, or encourage him to do some reading on developing himself as a Dom.

I have rambled quite a bit here but really, I just think he needs to decide if he’s going to be able to meet your needs. I know things aren’t often that simple, and that it’s not an easy question, but consistency and communication are two incredibly important blocks in the foundation of any relationship, even more so in a D/s lifestyle relationship. In a vanilla relationship you might not have to set a timer on your phone for exactly when you said you’d be back, or to make sure your watch will let you know. When my submissive is going through drop though, or just having a rough day, you do what you need to so they know you’re there.

-JB

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • May 23, 2019

Oh, honey. I can relate to you on so many levels.

If you were to read my journal entries on days I’m coping with drop vs normal days, you’d think I was in two different relationships. So I can fully understand why you’d look back at your first post 3 days later and say “ok, maybe it isn’t as bad as I made it seem”. But that doesn’t mean your feelings of abandonment and loneliness during the low times are any less valid and deserve any less acknowledgement from your Sir. Don’t think you have to sweep them under the rug later when you’re feeling better, because I can tell you, they’ll rise to the surface again during your next drop and if you and your Sir haven’t figured out how to cope with them you’re just going to end up in the same depressed and confused place you were last time.

In reading your post, it sounds to me like many of your issues during the low times stem from your difficulty in communicating with each other. Maybe you have difficulty explaining your feelings and needs or maybe he listens but doesn’t actually hear you or maybe it’s something else entirely, but I have a few suggestions for communicating during drop that I think might help.

Write to him. Instead of calling and crying into the phone, write it all out in an email. First, when we’re stuttering and blubbering we have more difficulty getting the words out that we’re really trying to say. Second, I’ve noticed that when woman start crying to a man, many men have a tendency to either A ) clam up B ) get instinctively defensive or C ) say anything they think will defuse the situation. If you take the time to pour out all of your thoughts, feelings, concerns, needs, and expectations into a letter you can then take the time to reread it and edit it until it says exactly what you want it to relay. Then when he reads it, he doesn’t have to wade through all the hysterics to get to the crux of what you need him to know. Plus having the sense of security of typing behind a screen tends to allow for a feeling of freedom to speak more openly and honestly without worrying about hearing or watching their reaction to your admissions.

My next suggestion would be to discuss the timeframe issues. Life is crazy and often unexpected and difficult to plan. We all know that. But like you’ve said, as submissives we NEED to be able to rely on our Doms to do the things they say they’re going to do, and that means calling when they say they’re going to call. So while you have to understand that maybe he planned to call in 30 minutes and life just got in the way, it isn’t an unreasonable request to ask him to agree that if something arises and he can’t call in 30 minutes, he should at least text you within that time frame to let you know it will be longer. There is very little worse during drop than staring at a clock waiting for your Sir and watching the minutes roll right past the promised time. It makes you feel neglected, rejected, unimportant, and it highlights your insecurities making you feel overly needy and clingy and like you are more invested in your relationship than he is. Is that fair? Probably not. But it’s the way it feels and emotions don’t always have to be rational.

You’ve mentioned now in both of your posts that your Sir has told you repeatedly that the end of this hard time is nearing. Can you elaborate on that? How does he propose that it’s going to be better and that your problems are all going to be resolved?

Tigger​(sub female) • May 26, 2019

Thank you again everyone for the supportive replies.

A lot of good has come out of this situation for my Sir and I, and I thank you all for letting me get it out when I was in a bad place. We talked a lot about what held him up, and the emotions behind both our reactions. It was an impossible situation, and one I was incapable of recognizing while I was dropping.

@Bunnie, we have identified that I have a strong little streak. It's something we're only beginning to explore, and we're having a hard time gathering information about the emotional aspects. I'm wondering if, when you have some time, you might be willing to share with me how you help that side of you develop in a healthy way?

@Kitten, we're reaching a point where we can healthfully introduce each other to our vanilla lives. As I mentioned, we started our relationship all wrong. We're trying to build each other into our lives and futures in a healthy, sustainable way. Where we'll be an open vanilla couple, so if I need him, "who are you talking to" or in more extreme situations, "where are you going" can be answered truthfully with...me. It may seem odd, but we don't want to do any more damage than necessary. We don't want our past decisions to negatively impact our future any more than necessary.

Thanks again guys