Identity

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jan 22, 2020

I love the matrix there are so many clues in it.
Others like the guy in 50 shades...
... i like motorcycle riding keanu...sigh.

Im sorry to hear so many people feel a similar way.

Bunnie • Jan 22, 2020

This for me has been a battle of self-acceptance. The difficulty unfortunately, I found, didn’t end when I finally found a “term” that resonated and “explained what I am.”

It then became a battle against the own limitations I had put on myself. Yes, the seed may have originally been planted by others... but I carried that seed and nurtured it and brought it to fruition. So the shame and rejection of my self became deeply ingrained and intertwined within myself.

It has been a very long, slow process of pulling everything apart and observing it to see what is *truly* “me” and what isn’t. That process is still occurring and may very well be ongoing.

What has shifted however, is my fear around doing this, and my self-rejection. Not only has an acceptance of “who I am” begun to creep in... but there’s also a quiet inner strength that begins to develop, almost imperceptibly when we begin to become more whole. It’s quite beautiful really

That’s how I tend to see it more now. It’s about becoming *wholly* me. And rather than dissecting and rejecting, I’m merely learning to recognise and accept *all* parts together as a whole... creating integration rather than compartmentalisation.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Jan 23, 2020

I am a submissive. There's no "identify" about it for me. Not any more. I can be a top, I'd be a sadistic one... such a devious mind I have... and I am a submissive. If I take on the role of top it would be as directed by my Master toward a bottom.

I would be the first to admit it's been a process. First a bottom, then I identified as a part-time submissive, and now I'm an owned slave, 24/7. it has been a long journey for me, with bumps along the way, and this journey has been about 19 years now I think, and I've been a slave for the last 17.

Master says that my sexual orientation is submissive. There is no other descriptor, and I think he's right.

The other thing is that it isn't just about sex. I'm also a service slave to Him, and that is just as fulfilling to me. Obedience is where peace is found for me. I found this article called "On Submission and Training" many years ago and here is a quote from it that describes me perfectly. When I finally realized this and accepted it, my life changed:

"Obedience is where peace is found. Obedience is where your self is found. Obedience is where your integrity is found. You cannot have the results of obedience without being obedient. Most try to understand obedience, and then act as though they do not actually have to obey, because they understand so well how to. That is foolish, though typical egotistic reasoning. It is reasoning that continues to try to tell the submissive that so long as there is something she does not understand, there is an excuse for not achieving, and that understanding is the solution to everything. It is not what you understand. It is only what you do that is important. It is when you stop understanding, and only pay attention to your obedience, that life begins to change, to become the miracle that you are destined to inherit. Nothing is more important that obedience. Nothing teaches more lessons than growing toward becoming increasingly obedient. Obedience is the distinguishing mark of the destined submissive. Obedience is the hallmark and fibre of a submissive. Obedience defines who and what a submissive is. When she knows obedience, then she is qualified to love, to respect, to serve, to teach, and to make a difference. Until then, she is still in training."

So, identity. I can only find the peace I seek by being obedient. I know that, and I own it deeply and completely. That means I do and accept whatever Master wants, even if I have to change my desires and beliefs to accommodate him. That means I've changed how I dress, my collar never comes off. It is a heavy silver chain. I wear provocative bras with the nipples cut out. I wear short skirts that are revealing in a not so stiff wind. I am always willing and available to Him when He chooses. I don't get to "have a headache". These are only the obvious things. Then there are deeper personality changes. He wants me smiling more. He wants me to love my body and cherish it. My sexual preferences are entirely at His disposal. As long as it does not harm me, it is entirely possible if that is His desire. It might take some work on my part, and thorough communication, we will get there, the two of us, together. I will say that He has not chosen to mess with my religious beliefs. He is agnostic and I a pagan.

I'm sorry, I can't seem to respond to anything without writing a book!

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jan 23, 2020

Thank you to both of you for your input and replying so indepth and insightfuly.

Bunnie • Jan 23, 2020

@ Island girl,

Thank you for such insight and for that quote. It really resonates.

Sadistdaddy89​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2020

Very good insights both

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Jan 23, 2020

I used to show only my "fake" side in public and my "real" side at home, alone. Over the last few years, I have come to realize that being a submissive (to me) is who I am, not what I do, so I have started adding bits and pieces of it into my everyday life in a way that feels obvious to me but would pass by undetected by others.

Instead of a collar, I wear a simple sterling choker. There's nothing on it. Just the thin silver string. I almost always have my hair tied back in some way. If I am feeling particularly "little" that day, I'll use a cute pink hair-tie, or I'll braid my hair into dutch pigtails. I paint my nails bright colors and usually add glitter over the top so they sparkle. Or if I'm feeling more "middle" I do them matte black. I also look out for opportunities to aide those in need. An elderly woman who cannot reach the top shelf at the grocery store. A gentleman who dropped his wallet on the sidewalk. A friend facing hardship and just needs an act of kindness to bring a bit of light to their life. I make sure to keep up with my chores and I continue to set goals for myself and reach them. Within the last three years, I have given up smoking, caffeine, and alcohol. Next on my list is to create and maintain a workout routine.

I am a service sub with a dash of little/middle, so these things work for me. Feeling at peace with your identity might look different for you. It's difficult when the doors start to open and awareness begins to seep through not to throw on the fluffiest outfit we can find and scream to the world how excited we are to finally understand what we've been searching for, but our identity isn't meant for them, it's meant for us. Try not to think about the opinions of others, continue to seek what is true to you, and then apply it to your life.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Jan 23, 2020

Nicely said, Jolene!