Why are you a sub?

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Aug 20, 2020

Great question, and something I am *very* puzzled about. While I agree with other members that I don't *have to know* where it comes from in order to accept it and live it, I am still very curious.

I am not submissive at all in most of my life; I am very assertive, extrovert, and happy to take initiative, in my professional life, in my circle of friends, and elsewhere. It has always been like that since I was a small child. Yet, at the same time, I have always had sexual fantasies that involved humiliation, being overpowered, being used, etc. In fact, even before I became interested in real life sexual relations, before I hit puberty, I already had fantasies about humiliation and abuse. I had a wholesome, very ordinary childhood, so nothing in my environment could explain this.

When I got older, I became very disturbed by the fact that I had rape fantasies, especially given that sexual assault is such a huge problem in our society and nothing to be taken lightly. Then I read in a magazine that, apparently, I am not the only woman who has such fantasies, and so I started doing research on the subject. Turns out there is scientific literature on the topic. Scientists came up with various hypotheses to explain why many women have such fantasies (they did not look much into men who have such fantasies). One hypothesis was that these women have a suppressed sexuality and feel shame at their sexual desires, and the idea of being forced to have sex makes them feel less guilty because it would not be their choice, so no one can blame them for it (fun fact: victims of rape DO actually often get blamed for it...). However, the evidence completely undermined this hypothesis because, in studies, they found that women who had rape fantasies or were turned on by such fantasies were overwhelmingly confident in their sexuality. In general, they found that the women in question were on average more sexually experienced and more adventurous, both sexually and in the rest of their life. Another hypothesis the researchers came up with was this: the rape fantasy signifies something like "I am so desirable that men literally cannot control themselves, that's how fucking hot I am". But it's hard to test that hypothesis. I don't remember what other hypotheses they came up with, but I remember that none of them seemed to totally explain what's going on. My takeaway was that it's still pretty much a mystery why women (and men) have rape fantasies. FYI, the researchers did find, unsurprisingly, that no one who has rape fantasies has any interest in being raped in real life. They gave subjects fictional descriptions of rape incidents that were realistic and subjects were NOT turned on by those at all. The rape fantasies that turn people on generally have certain unrealistic features, including: miraculously, the rapist is usually super attractive and clever/charming (NOT real life), the victim tends to actually get turned on eventually and often even climaxes (NOT real life).

Of course, rape fantasies and CNC is just one very specific thing that a sub may be into. So this kind of research may not be of interest to all subs who wonder why they have submissive desires.

Well, to this day, I am still really puzzled about why I have submissive sexual desires. There's nothing in my "nurture" that would explain it, and it's not in line with my overall personality. I think it's a fascinating subject and I hope psychologists keep looking into it. Humans really are a weird species!

A Nony Mouse • Aug 21, 2020

I agree that there is no simple answer. People are complicated and we are so much more than the sum of our parts.
Nature and Nurture are so intwined in me that I can't tell the difference. But I often wonder this myself.

I have always deferred to others. But that deferment has always been selective.

I grew up very conservative and was taught women and children are seen and not heard. Yet, that left a lot of wiggle room for my silent rebellions. 😋

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Aug 21, 2020

I don’t know if I’ve ever really wondered why I am a submissive but more that I was searching for a long time for a name to how I felt.

For me vanilla had never appealed to me, I mean in so far as the thought of just a plain old vanilla relationship used to bring up feelings of just revulsion. It was so bad I thought maybe I was just not someone for relationships. But I had always had this interest in BDSM so decided to look into it and reading about submission and dominance it was literally like a light bulb moment that omg that IS me! I even learned that I am Demisexual which explained my need for that deep connection.

Why indeed...

KittyisWatching​(sub female){Protected} • Aug 21, 2020

I don't often reply in the forums. Not out of bitchiness - I just don't often see any I feel really inclined to respond to and trying to word things can be a lot of work. I usually like to try to be really careful with my wording.

Now then. Why am I a sub? You mentioned having always felt submissive.

Oddly enough, that is not the case for me. Growing up, I was not in control of one thing - my body. So I sought to be in control of absolutely everything else around me...and everyone. I "ruled" my own class as well as the grade above me and several below me. I became a cheerleader and joined multiple sports and clubs. Became class president. All so I could have just that one extra ounce of absolute control. It was never enough. I was well known as a control freak - but I was usually nice and always helpful and so my controlling ways were tolerated in my school if, sometimes, just a bit feared in addition.

I saw nothing bad in this. I was pretty, popular, athletic, well liked...and in control. However, soon I began hearing whispers at football games and other games. Of how our cheerleaders could stand to lose some weight. How I could stand to lose some weight. At 15, I was practically perfect in all ways to those who knew me. But I was overweight to these strangers. I weighed 110 lbs.

What I heard hurt...and it was something out of my control. I didn't like that and I fought against it. I stopped eating and what I was forced to eat when trying to make everything seem normal to those around me was thrown up during the class following breakfast or lunch while everyone else was involved in their lessons. If my teachers were ever concerned by my seemingly scheduled bathroom break, they did not share their concern.

Until, that is, I had gone one day and passed by my physics teacher. This same teacher had been with my class from 6th grade on, moving through the grades as we went through them and also taught several math classes. He was probably the person I was closest to in my life and therein lay my undoing. He wasn't an idiot that would buy into what I pretended. He heard it without my knowledge and then began trying to coax the information out of me.

Eventually he just confronted me...without any kind of plan. My reaction wasn't great - it was violent. Due solely to the fact that I typically abhorred men and he had grabbed me when I tried to walk away, worried about what he wished to talk with me about. I was trapped in a room alone with a man that was now at least double my weight and a fair bit taller than me as well. But after the confrontation, which did eventually have me admitting to the issue and even my control issues, he began keeping a closer eye on me and eventually I learned that he himself was involved in the bdsm lifestyle and it was he who first taught me anything real of the lifestyle. He became my Mentor in it and I learned from him all I could.

Although I still have trouble letting go of control, it was he who first taught me that it's okay to let go of control to someone you know you can trust. By the time he found out what I was doing, I was no longer that pretty 15 year old girl weight 110 lbs who wanted to be the top of everything and in control of everything. I had become a slightly sick looking almost 17 year old that weighted 78 lbs that NEEDED the control of everything. My health was failing because of what I had done to my body.

It was through unconditional love (no matter what condition I was in and no matter how much I fought to be in control) and a fairly extensive and creative list of rules and punishments that eventually had me gaining back my weight and slowly fixing my health back to where it had once been.

It was him that started me on my path to a full submissive and jumpstarted my love of submission that directly contradicts my desire of control.

I apologize for writing a book but saying "my teacher" with no explanation sounds terrible and giving a partial explanation is almost worse.

Sissy Cindy • Aug 21, 2020

As an old sub, I trace my submissiveness, like many but not all others back to my youth. Back in the day I was always more apt to like playing house with girls. Later I discovered lingerie and girdle adds in my moms and sisters ladies magazines, leading me to a lifelong fetish of such female apparel. I found myself dressing in my moms panties bras girdles and nylons when I knew I would be home alone for a few hours and pretending to be thee female as I masturbated.

Back then boys were expected to be rough and tumble and girls sweet and serene.. I identified more with the girls and had a fondness for them. I always was more polite around them and willing to listen to and follow along with whatever they wanted to do without complaint. (The begginning of my submissiveness , I guess)

I am bisexual, but back then I adored women. (still do). After several failed attempts to find a girl who would accept my wearing her panties, I finally found one who not only liked it, she even gave me my first adult spanking.

Later in life I was very fortunate to find my soulmate. who truly understood my kinky needs to the point she had me dress as a girl whenever we wre alone AND in front of her friends. She new that I secretly loved being verbally abused and disciplined and would even spank or cane me in front of her friends.

Yes, it was humiliating and embarrassing, but i loved it.

Anyway, it might not be like that for all subs, but that is my point of view on this subject.

BunnyBrat​(sub female){StrayCat} • Aug 21, 2020

I'm pretty dominant outside of the bedroom. I make a million decisions a day in my work life. I have a strong personality and am generally outgoing and a people person. I think that for me, it's nice to step away from all of that in the bedroom. I don't want to have to think. I want to give myself completely to my Dom. I want him to use me as he sees fit and for his pleasure. A lot of it has to do with the relationship my Dom and I have in general as well. We compliment each other's kinks weirdly perfectly (he's Dom, I'm sub; he's a sadist, I'm a masochist; he's a rigger, I'm a rope bunny; etc.) and outside of the bedroom our dominant personalities mesh pretty well (although we're both having to learn and un-learn some behaviors with each other!).

BunnyBrat​(sub female){StrayCat} • Aug 21, 2020

I'm pretty dominant outside of the bedroom. I make a million decisions a day in my work life. I have a strong personality and am generally outgoing and a people person. I think that for me, it's nice to step away from all of that in the bedroom. I don't want to have to think. I want to give myself completely to my Dom. I want him to use me as he sees fit and for his pleasure. A lot of it has to do with the relationship my Dom and I have in general as well. We compliment each other's kinks weirdly perfectly (he's Dom, I'm sub; he's a sadist, I'm a masochist; he's a rigger, I'm a rope bunny; etc.) and outside of the bedroom our dominant personalities mesh pretty well (although we're both having to learn and un-learn some behaviors with each other!).

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Aug 22, 2020

it's in your DNA.
It's the core of who you are.
Submission is inherent - but it develops differently for each one of us.
You will come to understand your submission more fully through the years.
It takes a lifetime of learning, exploring and understanding.
It becomes richer as you age.

The Spazzy Bookworm​(switch gender fluid) • Aug 22, 2020

I never really thought it was something to wonder about. It's kind of just a feeling that's there. I think I like the aspect of someone being in charge and protecting me. I'm essentially giving this person a part of myself and trusting them to take care of me, and when they do I feel happy. I don't know if that makes sense really. Mind you I don't expect them to do all the work, it's just what being submissive feels like to me.