Lets talk about abusers and how to spot them.

First of all, when one wishes to point out something, don't write a fucking novel.

I know how to spot an abuser, and I simply blocked those fucks.

I do not generally meet people I find "online" because any one of them could be a saint.. or Jack the Ripper.

There is a lot to be said for the Brick-And-Mortar world and perhaps we should all consider the overall value of the Digital World, weigh the differences, and come to an obvious conclusion:

"If I cannot touch it, it's not really real 'til I can"

@Miki: A close minded statement born from fear and assumptions that online people are "evil" until proven otherwise. Do you have any idea how offensive your statement is?

Just because you can touch someone physically doesn't mean they're a saint. People online are just like people that are physical. You have to know and understand each other. You'll get both good and bad in both areas. There are tons of people that get to know each other online before moving in together. Many starting long distance. More tends to "just happen" then planned. This is because those people actually make the time for each other. Talk to each other. Make posts about how they're there for each other. Support each other in other words. You already have a relationship before making it physical. Once it is physical you already have a good understanding of each other already.

Online people are VERY real. And pretending otherwise doesn't change that. The way you look at them, that "I see the worst of you" could be exactly why some of them feel like shit. Get seen that way often enough and you start to wonder why you should care. Be it physical or online. Then people have a reason to abuse. Because they're already being seen in a bad light. Negativity fuels negativity. I'm not saying go and bleed your heart out for everyone but I am saying being judgemental is a good part of why people become abusive in the first place. Or otherwise drive others into being so. Irrational Fear breeds anger and hate. Which in turns breeds abuse. Not to mention depression.

To be perfectly blunt, imagine a dom being seen as "just a dom". A number of people want to pretend online isn't "real". In my experience it is that attitude that causes a lot of drama. Because the truth is we're still people with concerns and interests at the end of the day. But then how many physical people avoid communication and want to "escape" in a bar or the like, pretending the world doesn't exist? You'll get half the people online being more open minded and willing to communicate. Just as you'll get half of physical people doing the reverse. But by no means does that mean either is less "real" or the the other half is "missing". Frankly, I don't stand for being seen as "less", whatever environment I'm in. And I make it a point to remind people online that they're affecting me, just as much as I'm affecting them. Ergo "Safety first. Be aware." Unfortunately physical people overlook this as much as people online. But then people like to pretend their own fear isn't causing harm. Truth is, it does. And nothing hurts more then being seen as that "jack the ripper" and "not real" when you know so many in your environment are anything but. It's that viewpoint that makes people get abusive.

I said this in a PM, but I'll repeat this all here too.

Everyone is allowed to their own opinion, and I welcome everyone's viewpoints. Even those that opposes mine.

I comprised my post because I wanted to give my experience- and break down the things that made it abusive.
then also comprise some other traits that others don't always see so quickly.


I just hoped someone who may be questioning, or unsure, or wanting to know more found some help from my post.

I always find the phrase "allowed" misleading. Who's allowing? It also implies "accept that opinion". But no, that's not how it actually works. HONEST opinions are accepted. Dishonest ones are lies. People can fear the worst easily, leading to inaccurate opinions (and thus lying to ourselves. Which breeds more lies/irrational fears in other areas).

If an opinion goes against facts then that boils down to the honesty of said opinion. Lies is not something I "allow". Nor should others. Sad truth is many people suffer in silence. They LET themselves be abused. Or otherwise can't find the words. They "Allow" the opinion of the other person who claims to know it all. That is the beginning of abuse. The easily misplaced mistrust. Next thing you know you're too afraid to even explain yourself. You simply "allow that opinion". Knowing it's wrong. But how do you get them to realise that? That the situation isn't as it appears to be.

Some people speak up. End the abuse. Manage to still support each other because of it.

The rest LET themselves be abused. That's not on the abusive person alone. That's on YOU and your own ability/inability to speak up.

Being blunt. If you don't have that spine, find it. The worst that can happen is your fears of being mistrusted are verified. But if that's the case you deserve better anyway. We're nothing without honesty.

Good Lord you wrote what amounts to a Stephen King novel to simply differ from me... identifies you as the very kind of freak I want people of sane mind to avoid!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I read both retorts.. Good Golly Miss Molly, the sewer creatures we have here.
Do not fucking talk to me unless you have spines and your dicks can stand tall before a true woman.

I do NOT mean to offend. I am simply saying I can no more afford to hold my hands out and offer myself, naked to anyone who then has the power to raise me helpless and whip me.. and God knows what else. than one of sane mind would stick his dick in my mouth and trust me to not bite it in half.'

The Net is well-populated by freaks

Whip me flog me.. torture my pussy.. but please don't kill me

I do agree with Taramafor​ to a degree. Online people are still people. And whereas, you're thoughts can be right too Miki- They could be a Saint, or Jack-The-Ripper.
I will not delve into my reasons, beliefs, or inclinations for why I'm dating online, since that's my business and I don't feel it adds to this particular forum topic.



In defense of victims (Because I had a similar mindset of: "A victim is a victim because they LET themselves be." - then I realized I too was a victim.) A victim will not always see or notice what's going on. When they do - It can be really hard to pull away from their abuser.
Remember, an abuser will berate or work down someone's confidence in themselves. To where that person TRULY believes they won't find anything better. There's nothing else out there for them.

I hate to pull that card - but until you've been a victim, you won't fully comprehend that mentality. I hope you never do come to that.

The other thing I wanted to point out - whereas I'm glad some of you (Not just pointing this out to Miki. But this is a broad statement for everyone/anyone who read and went "Pffft. I can spot assholes like that a mile away.") are keen and aware enough to notice an abuser right off the bat. Some abusers will flash their true colors early- which can deter others. What's scary is that some abusers are REALLY GOOD at what they do. They lure victims in by being super charismatic, and charming. The relationship starts off fantastic! Or, they know precisely how to play on someone's flaws or insecurities to suck them in deeper. Hence why I related such to "Digging their hooks" in. Because it is like getting a hook caught in you.
It's work to get it back out.
These things don't just online but in person too. In my situation, even my closest of friends said "Man, your ex really knew how to put on the 'nice guy' act..." and he did. He was splendid at it. He pulled the wool over many people's eyes, and it wouldn't surprise me if he still does.
((Hence why I personally cut him off completely. That was how I escaped him.))


Some victims start questioning "Is this right? I feel awful, why am I not happy anymore?" And that was, again, the reason why I made my blog post into a forum thread. Is because some folks might start questioning where the happiness in their relationshit went.
Sometimes having this listed out, someone can go "Oh! Those points are EXACTLY what my relationship is..." and thus, sets off a lightbulb.

As an addition to my last post - I'd like to avoid the debate on if IRL vs Online relationships are real, or not.
That has nothing to do with my original post- and I feel it's detailing this topic.

@taramafore

Respectfully I am going to have disagree with most of your post. You seem like a good person, caring, but let me say this, in a relationship (of any kind) one party (the person suffering bc of the abuser) SHOULD NOT be doing counseling,their therapist,or anything of that nature. Furthermore you do not get to blame the victim for abuse that they take.

You post tells me you are intelligent. Surely you don't really believe that the victim has any blame in the acts of an abuser!!!
That abuse is called a lack of self-control, issues they need to find help for (people that are trained to diagnose and treat) , and some people just can NOT BE HELPED. Sociopaths, psychopaths, pedophiles, probably some more that I can't name.
(I realize that many may disagree or totally think I am wrong with the last sentence above, that's okay, it's still America where I live, for now)

On the other hand:
I think a bully CAN be helped, but it needs to happen the sooner the better, but then one needs to have a clear definition of what a bully is.

I think that word is used way too much in society, again just my thoughts. I have been called a bully by a female, I laughed in her face and then got busy explaining why she wrong and what motivated her to calling me that.

Which bring me to one last thing. Some people are perpetual victims, I know a few. Meaning that they are always having things happen to them, like they were a spectator. But once one hears the story they were were A,B,C or I was out doing 1, 2, 3 when this thing occurred to them.

Is it possible that this is what you were referring to in your post.

Thanks for your time
N