Question for Doms

dirmn​(dom male) • Sep 26, 2020

The mental part easily outweighs the physically sexual part for me. Easily.

It's a tricky question though, because the mental aspects could often also be classified as sexual.

Re: Question for Doms

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 28, 2020

First, it is mainly sex focused. That's what MOST people (that aren't living with someone) want out of it. At least it's a PART of what most people want/need. To "play". The number of none sexual people is smaller then the people that are after a good time sexually. The issue of course is that it can be ALL someone wants. Which can be a sticking point with other (none sex) areas as well. Like roleplay online when someone doesn't see you like a person. Or how some people only ever want none lewd cuddles all the time as if it's the ONLY thing. Nevermind the fact you might have your own taboo/darker needs you might not even be talking about because you're afraid they'll be "put off" (like with sex in general). You can see where I'm going with this. I boil it down to "Look after each others happiness and don't assume the worst". Add "context" and "Actually experience things multiple times to know for sure" for good measure. In other words open minded, not closed. Knowing what you ACTUALLY know, not fearing the worst of what has not yet been done (again, context).

You seem to be implying that it's PRIMARY about sex. And that is NOT an assumption. It's a fact you need to admit. That MOST people in BDSM want to get sex out of it. Doesn't mean all. At the same time you might think a lack of sex might be a good thing but that could easily be bad (refer to the above, Consider how relationships have sex struggles down the line which results in lack of intimacy). While a lot of sex is indeed enjoyable (provided you do it right and don't assume the worst with being evasive) it's only ONE aspect. On it's OWN it's "just fucking". And I need my intimacy. All for being used but with that "spark", that connection, that sense of being wanted and needed and approached and toyed with, without that it means nothing. At the same time got to give people a chance to see of activity heads somewhere. Sex is one activity. You might have your own (computer games and move nights maybe). Add, don't subtract. Each others happiness. I'll get involved in someones areas if they get involved in mine. Hold back with my happiness and it's impossible to reciprocate due to being one sided.

While I have my sex needs I can be quite content simply being "man handled" without sexual interactions. In fact it's kind of mandatory sometimes, because if it was sex EVERY time then it would never be "surprised" on me. Be it for my/their pleasure. But whoever gets the boat rocked may as well strap in and enjoy the ride. Additionally sex enhances the OTHER aspects as well. It's an activity that can be mixed with other activities. One none sexual event can quickly transition into something sexual and vice versa. Helps with making more plot in online roleplay as well (If last RP was sex focused I might do something plot focused for example even if sex was intended at first. Meeting needs does that). If I had to set a lewd example I'd say look at Helia from the (free) online text game of Corruption of Champions. Have to get her as a companion and keep digging through her backstory but it's totally worth it. For all the lewds you get a lot of plot/story. For a none lewd example have a look at how Baldur's Gate 2 handles "romance" with some characters (the proper kind where people actually talk about more then kissing and discuss concerns). Also has a good part in a drow city. Dated game but pretty well done plot/lore wise while leaving room open for intimate implications. Baldur's Gate 3 is coming up, but don't know how it's going to handle that.

In the end it's a matter of activity. And remaining consistent with what is done/used in both general interaction AND sexual ones. Tug the collar to push someone on a bed? Sure. But it can also be nice to just tug someone over when doing something else. Part of the fun is not knowing what's going to happen next at times. Keeps things unpredictable. People can fear the unknown, but I embrace it. Think of it like a computer game that has RNG elements (like random levels/enemies/random events). Hmm, interesting thought. That would make a dom a dungeon master while a sub is a player trying to control what's on the board. Wonder how closely connected that is to BDSM? If you think about it things like D&D is all about control after all.