Poly is the topic

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 13, 2020

Ten years ago poly relationships were rare.

When you met people in one their approach to it was usually common to what other poly folks were doing. They focused on the strength of the whole dynamic. Everyone involved had to do their part. Polyamorous meant affection, caring, even love shared among all.

They were eager to tell you about their struggles and the challenges they had to overcome. I respected that a great deal.

If one successful relationship was challenging, imagine how much more work multiple relationships would be?
...
A lynchpin for me in entering this lifestyle was the demand it put on people to deal with their shit and grow up. There were many challenges and failures were often followed by a renewed effort to improve.

Since then the change has been dramatic. Now many call themselves poly but it has more to do with being in an open relationship than it did before. And many go into poly with no idea about being better at relationships in general, much less managing several interested parties at the same time. Marriages in trouble went poly but those that didn't at least address what got the marriage into trouble were doomed to repeat the bad behavior times 2, 3, or more people?

It can be hard to watch the gearing up and the subsequent implode when they fail.

Then to not be poly somehow meant you were just simple. Poor thing. The poly sales pitch was the more you do something the better you get at it. No. You only get better at those things you work at. Stumbling in and out of relationships didn't make you better.

I still laugh at this Master and his two slaves who gave a round table presentation at the old Hellfire in Manhattan. Everyone was so impressed at his control. His slaves dutifully on either side of him in matching collars and slave rings.

No one knew that this all came to be because he and slave #1 were on and off again and when off, he had to have someone and latched onto slave #2. Then #1 came back and it got ugly. Slave #2 being blind sided wouldn't leave. Presto chango we're poly!

That day at Hellfire, slave #2 got really upset and stormed off with Master chasing after her like a kid lost at the mall and shouting, "just tell me what you want me to do"

(I know this because I was a close friend at that time and unbeknownst to me, Master was trying to recruit me to be #3.)

There is also a long time poly couple I know casually. He gets a second and his wife makes sure it fails. He is oblivious and goes on to seek another second. But all those women who were sabotaged by the wife? They are talking and the story hasn't changed in many years. Is that poly? Doesn't sound like what I knew of poly.
........
Like anything else. If you choose a path as a shortcut or for all the wrong reasons it will eventually cost you. If you choose it for the right reasons, in this case, poly is your best fit, then you will have to do the same type of work to build a strong foundation in those relationships regardless of how many there are.

If poly to you means, you get to do what you want with whomever without answering any questions, cool beans. But for old farts like me, it will never be the poly that we all respected back in the day..

H*

Bunnie • Dec 13, 2020

@ Miki,

“I am poly. I do not need to write a book to justify my sexuality.”

Lol, fair call. It certainly was one of my longer ones! I must admit as a stranger on the internet who has viewed many of your comments over the years, I can’t help but say I’m a bit surprised and curious that you consider yourself to be poly, and about how your concept of poly works for you. I had come to believe (through things you’ve said over the past) that you simply considered yourself single and free to fuck whoever whenever, and that you preferred it that way. Is there more depth to your relationships than i assumed? Or do our definitions vary, as to what is polyamory or what is simply considered open?
I guess I’m asking if you would be willing perhaps to share a condensed version, if writing books isn’t your style, of what your sexuality in regards to polyamory looks like? I think we need as many different versions available to people to understand the many different shapes and forms it can look like, yet still be a healthy representation of something that has such a stigma attached to it.

maywest • Dec 17, 2020

I have found in the past that it’s very important to make sure the other people are all on the same page and want you there. For instance I was with a couple and while she would privately insist to him she wanted me there her actions showed other wise she later was able to admit she did not want to be in a poly relationship anymore this was back and forth for a while so I really got strung along. It’s just important to make sure they are all on the same page