Who's In Charge Here?

Well, MrFulmen, if one is a Maso-girl most "sub bets" are off. So my input has to come with a bag of salt on some of these forum threads. But I chip in my 2 cents if I think I can be the least bit useful.

Thanx. Yes I don't want "control" and being a brat gets me the good hard paddling I deserve and enjoy.

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-----and from the other thread... I'd still stick those silly calendar stars on your forehead if they're those colorful stick-ons they use in early elementary school that is!

acquiesced​(sub male)
Who's In Charge Here? "One that upon reflection has been difficult for me to wrap my head around over the decades. If a submissive says "I like to be spanked", or a dominant says "what do you like", who's really calling the shots?"
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In my experience, men don't like to guess their way through a relationship so it is practical for you both to engage in a serious conversation at the start. It's not about who is in charge because I don't believe "in charge" is there at the start. "Let's see if we like similar things and are compatible." is there I hope anyway. If you do your early communication well and decide to go into the dynamic, then at some point the sub/slave/bottom gives the Dom/Master/Top the control over what they do, for what reasons, and when.

Some Doms like to be asked for things but then it is up to them to say yes or no. (This is much more common than many will admit.)
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"Or is this just one pie slice of the BDSM dynamic, like "you do my kink and I'll do yours if we both agree?"

In a loose way perhaps, but reading that makes me think more about playing so in the moment each gets their kink scratched. Or switching which is also about the play and in the moment.
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I've met my share of what I call Brittle Doms. They spend their time worrying about who has control in every setting. They won't ask someone to play or engage in oral sex because it is submissive. They are locked into everything being a Top thing or a Bottom thing. Not all situations are.

It's like when your shirt doesn't fit right. You find yourself tugging and adjusting it every five minutes. When your shirt fits right you don't have to think about it at all. I find that true here. People comfortable in their own skin and in their own dynamic, aren't always tugging and adjusting it.

Which leads me to your last comment:
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"Sometimes I feel like the labels we give ourselves may not be the best gauge for compatibility."

Absolutely when you use them incorrectly.

Labels are good. We couldn't drive down the street without road signs. We couldn't get a job without labels.
People get into trouble with labels when they take on those that don't fit or are unearned.
And people don't like labels when they don't want to be limited or don't feel one fits.

I've read profiles filled with labels (manager, Ph.D., Aries, single, mountain climber) only to get to the end to read that the profile owner doesn't believe in labels.
If you are comfortable being female or male you don't have issues with that label.
If you are a Master Mechanic or Black Belt at martial arts you are fine with that label because you put in years to earn it.

It's only in situations like we are in where people don a label they haven't earned (and don't know what to do with)
Or reject labels for fear of being told they're doing it wrong. And yes, you CAN do some of this wrong. (Your Kink is your Kink and mine is mine.) Doesn't always apply. Sorry about that.

The dynamic is in control.
Period.

What either of you consent to do is intended to perpetuate one anothers needs being met.

Whether a masochist, submissive, dominant, top the labels are irrelevant.

Pickup play at a party that is negotiated is a short term 'dynamic' in that it is about the people's involved having their needs met.

If what you consent to between partners is a dominant expressing they want to be pegged by their submissive who is in control?
I would posit the dynamic is.
Who is to judge where the control lies except those within said dynamic?
The submissive may feel they are in control yet the dominant in the above scenario is directing them to do it.....Control lies in the need to be fulfilled within the arranged, negotiated, consented dynamic. However that is sussed out.
So long as it fulfills all parties control is given where it is required between all.

It is like asking what 'acts' are submissive and what are dominant? There is nothing inherently either or. It is always the intent of the individuals and THEIR definition within the dynamic that accounts for what is honest and where control lies.

I say that the dynamic has the control because all involved are doing so to get what they need met from one another.....everyone then does what is necessary to keep the dynamic flowing, moving, growing, alive, healthy, worthwhile and no one else gets to judge where the level of control lies within a given dynamic except those involved.

As an example,

If I go to a fast food restaurant and ask for a burger who is in control?
Me because I ordered and pay?
The restaurant because they have the food I desire?

Neither.

My body is in control. Restaurants make a living off of knowing that fact. And work to provide the most appealing food desirable.
I can no longer stop the need of my body to eat and gain sustenance than I can the sun from rising. It is a fact. (Short of killing myself.....in that lens I am in control but I also do not have a need any longer)

It is a symbiosis that honors the need that is present without the compulsion to point to where the control lies or label it.
We do not need to know where the control lies except that we know we have a need and however we each choose to fulfill that need has a lot less to do about that control and more to do with consent.

Here's how I see it. If the dominant says "Suck me," (or another expression of desire) the sub does it immediately. If the sub says, "Suck me," or whatever, the dom can do it whenever they like or not at all. That's my concept of who has the power. Expressions of desire are not a form of wielding power.

... and limits are for safety and well being and aren't to be considered a kind of control. Violating them changes the dynamic from D/s or BDSM in general to abuse, even criminal acts.