Poly and Protective

Dragonlove​(sub female) • May 1, 2021

MisterAsh, I think the issue is it has become somewhat common for someone to use poly as a way to justify cheating.

I'm not saying it is right, but it seems to happen a lot so it makes "poly" an automatic turn-off.

Now I'm a "live and let live type" and I try not to judge anyone. Not saying it hasn't happened but I try not to.

Personally, if you can juggle several relationships you are a better person than me. Go enjoy you and eff the rest. My 2 cents at least

MountaintopMaster • May 1, 2021

Now that we're talking about "don't ask, don't tell", and the massive difference between putting a label on yourself and /actually/ disclosing all of your relationships to all of your partners, I will add this:

I think a lot of people just use the term poly because it's the hot new trend right now, but, what they really have/practice is something else. Basically, they just have an open relationship, or ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) at best.

Make no mistake, poly is a specific category of open relationship(s) where it is at least implied that multiple partners are ALL involved with each other, or at least aware of each other and respectful of each other. NOT this "you don't need to know..." or, "why are you surprised that I have an entire relationship/life that you never heard about before, I told you I was this way!" ...nonsense!

I'm not judging people for having more "loosely defined" open relationships, mind you. I'm judging them for lying to themselves and potentially hurting others by not being more honest and open about their preferred lifestyle in the first place. That is all.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • May 1, 2021

Dragonlove, poly is not a very effective way to justify cheating. A partner in a monogamous relationship to say that they feel the need to become poly would be just like asking for permission to (or simply stating that you are going to) go beyond the bounds of the relationship. It allows the other partners to make a decision as to whether or not they wish to take part in a poly relationship, and if not, to end their relationship with the newly admitted poly person. This is just like any other factor that ends or otherwise alters an existing relationship.

I think it is important to differentiate between poly and relationship anarchy, which is another type of non-monogamy.
In a poly relationship, there are still rules, and as such, it is still possible to cheat on a poly partner by breaking any of these rules. These rules can be simple, like sharing the existence of any and all partners with one another. They can also be restrictive, like only allowing new partners of a particular sex or gender. There are all sorts of ways to fine tune (or complicate) a non monogamous relationship, but the point is, it is still very possible to cheat.

At the end of the day, it is consent. The only way to cheat is to violate consent. That includes manufacturing consent, consent by omission (what partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them), playing to loopholes (being an asshole), or any other roundabout way of ‘getting’ the consent you want without expressly getting it from any relevant partner.

Poly might be used as a means of cheating, but at that point, it is just a word. To embody the concept of ethical non-monogamy, you hold the same responsibilities as in a monogamous relationship in terms of not cheating. They are just defined differently.

Dragonlove​(sub female) • May 2, 2021

Oh I totally agree with you MisterAsh! However, the few sometimes hurt the many with their poor life choices.

I wish more people could just mind their own business and accept that everyone is different. As long as it isn't hurting them, who cares?