Soft Limits

LongerJohnny(dom male)

2 years ago • Jun 12, 2022

LordofPain56 wrote:

The OP asked this question though she already has a partner, so my question to her question is this; why wasn't this all worked out in the discovery phase (courtship) prior to any type of playtime or punishment.
For example, I have a list of rules and draft of punishments. The rules can be compromised to a lesser degree and the punishments can be changed/revised to a greater degree based on her limits during negotiations in the discovery phase.
Once both parties agree on the final lists, the Dom is bound to her limits, period, in my view.
Isn't anybody doing this?

Either I'm misinterpreting your comment, or perhaps you misinterpreted the question so I would appreciate if you would clarify that for me.
ButterfliesAndCuffs was not referring to her (our) own relationship, she was talking abut a sub that I knew who used to have a Dom who would use soft limits as punishment. Her question had nothing to do with her own partner (me.) And by the way - Thank you, but you need not be concerned. We got everything all completely worked out exactly when and how it needed to be.
My answer to your last question is: Yes, some of us are doing this. In fact, I have some lists that are not dissimilar to the ones you mentioned, and I have edited them over the years. I also believe that limits are sacred. They should be revisited periodically as the relationship evolves, but each time, once agreed upon, they should never be ignored or abused - as I felt was the case with the sub I knew, which was the topic of the conversation that inspired the questions that ButterfliesAndCuffs actually asked.
Thanks in advance for the clarification.

Literate Lycan(dom male)

2 years ago • Jun 12, 2022

Good afternoon. I concur with Secret Mind above and don't have much to add to what he wrote on the topic. I would say its up to the owner of the Hard Limit as to whether they want to explore, when and how. And I have seen Hard Limits shift to no limits with just a little conversation and explanation. Definitely anal can go from No to Whoa! And amazingly, piss.

I would never use a limit (hard or soft) as a punishment. And I would never use a "funishment" as a punishment. So many kinky couples use paddling as punishment and I laugh. Seriously - just throw me in the briar patch, Brer Rabbit. Only if it's part of a game or roll playing. But not as punishment.

As for LordofPain56 commenting on the original phrase of the question: I often have conversations with numerous individuals in the lifestyle and topics come up that often were never even considered. These topics might not even be part of their dynamic, but they had the questions or curiousity. Why not drop it in the forums? Great education for future generations to consider as they evolve. And many couples get together and discuss a few things, but don't touch base on everything because there is literally a ton of stuff to discuss. How would someone know if something is a hard limit if they've never even heard of it and definitely haven't considered it? Not everyone is entering into dynamics with 30 plus years of lifestyle training and experience (although I often wonder, if someone has that much experience and are really that good, why are they still looking? Oh well)

I am always amazed when someone puts in their Hard Limits "Nothing Illegal" . . . I mean, I've said this before, many of the positions we enjoy are literally illegal in some of the States. Maybe not enforced, but definitely illegal . . . so does that mean they are off the table. And do you really need to actually say, "Nothing illegal." But I definitely digress here.

Yes, I should have simply said, "What Secret Mind said. No. I wouldn't use a limit as a punishment." Great question!

ButterfliesAndCuffs(sub female)

2 years ago • Jun 13, 2022

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts! It’s always interesting to me to learn how others in the community handle various aspects in their dynamics. That’s what this post was about as LJ explained. We absolutely went through limits etc before progressing. We continue to visit these throughout our dynamic and he always welcomes any questions or concerns I might have. No need to worry about me there.

As to your comment, LL, about punishments, I agree that real punishments should not be enjoyable at all. They should be a definite deterrent to repeating the bad behavior. In short, they should really fucking suck. 😝