Juggling time between spouse and submissive partner

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Thank you. You definitely have a good point. And yes, I have been guilty of exactly what you described. Having the best intentions to provide some comfort by crossing my own boundaries has definitely caused confusion. I had recognized this in the past and agree that part is on me. It also makes it more difficult to repair once that line has been crossed. These are strong lessons learned that I know should never be repeated.

Thanks again

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Dec 18, 2022

Relationship is always complicated: "okay, i'll take two."

A few thoughts to throw into the blender here. i didn't catch if the "other' person is a "she" in your original post... i may have missed it, but don't want to presume.

To me the perpetual push/pull challenge of D/s is between the ideal we may wish or strive for, and reality. i think it helps to distinguish between our rational notions of what should be vs the emotions that be.

Personally, i think emotions pretty much win out every time. We may rationalize and conclude what is 'right' or 'good' but our drowning emotions grab, grasp and pull our rational ideals under, gasping for air and fighting to live.

There's probably a whole list of reasons why the majority of people do intimate relationship (at least on paper) one on one. i think there are arguments for both mono and poly. To me, the simplest argument for poly is one person will never be able to satisfy all of ones needs or desires. The rational goal of mono (i think) is finding someone who can fulfill the most crucial or needful stuff, and compromising on the rest.

i don't think society in general has gotten very good at that, and i think the primary culprit is because we let emotion make the decision of who we get into relationship with. We often base our most intimate relationship/s on "falling in love" (as if love were a mud puddle that we should "fall" into it?), instead of identifying our needs/deisres and finding ways to clearly articulate and share them in the hopes of finding compatibility and a symbiotic relationship. i don't think most people even consider that last sentence when looking for relationship.

i don't think society, culture, or our cultural conditioning has evolved to the ideals we pine for. i think folk like us, considering and trying to establish new kinds of relationship, are at the cutting edge of social/cultural evolution. i see that as a volatile and often tentative place.

A parting thought i have is and would ask if in a similar place:
While you may call a hiatus on your current D/s relationship, all the needs and desires that got you into that relationship in the first place will likely still remain, sans person to exercise (exorcise?) them with. That may have both pluses and minuses. I.e., you may find yourself looking for another and starting afresh with someone new. Is it better for all considered to work on stuff (i.e. evolve) with a known person, or have you found that there are immutable crucial elements that simply do not work, and likely never will, necessitating a change?

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 18, 2022

Referring to his sub as a "B movie" is insulting. "B movies" are low production, badly written, farces and that is what you are calling the Dom's submissive. It's not only insulting to the submissive, but the dominant as well because the sub is his.

By the tone of the OP, the Dom takes his relationships very seriously and obviously cares for the sub a great deal to want to make sure that those needs are met at the same time he wants to make sure that he takes care of his wife. Your advice is to drop the relationship with the submissive because the sub has needs, wants, and desires is disgusting. Then you end your "advice" with "flush the crapper" as if the sub is just a piece of shit floating in a toilet bowl.

You have stated many times that you have never been in a D/s or M/s relationship and have absolutely no intention to be, but you keep dispensing advice to those in said relationships as if you understand the complexities that are involved and most of the time your advice is insulting. You constantly put down rituals that are sacrosanct to those of us in D/s and M/s relationships and when called out, you don't bother to apologize.

Why you keep coming to this site and giving out advice on matters you know nothing about and obviously disgust you, is beyond belief.

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Thank you for your post. I don't generally post in forums so I am not familiar with the players and their tendencies and or biases.

I can tell you that this matter is very important to me because I care deeply for my sub (f) and my wife and family.

While I want to share more details, there are circumstances that make it difficult to share in a public forum. My hope was to get some objective opinions to help make what I consider to be a very important decision and one that will have significant impact on all involved. It's important to note that this started over 3 years ago and was working flawlessly for 2 years. Then as some suggested, emotions got heavier.

I'm sure I could have done better to avoid that from happening. Unfortunately, what's done is done and we can only control what we do next.

Thanks again for your reply.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Dec 18, 2022

Yeah, wow. We seem to have more of a bent towards preserving what we have vs changing things up. i think there's a basic human emotion that associates static with security, stability. But i have wondered if such a notion is an illusion, that life is essentially motion and that the cessation of change is death? lol, i know, getting into the weeds on that one.
i think a lot of the angst we experience when we consider the change of ending a significant relationship is fear of losing the familiar, no matter how uncomfortable or untenable that relationship may have become. To me, the hard part of this is identifying as many pros and cons to the relationship, even writing them out, and then weighing them and making a rational decision vs just emotional. i say "just emotional" because i do not think such decisions should ever be "either/or," though they often are made that way. i look to be holistic. The decision will likely have a mix of emotions, both 'good and bad,' but trying to put those on the table ahead of time, consider and discuss them, i think, helps the process.
i wish you the best. hard stuff. <3

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Thank you so much. You seem to have captured much of the complexities involved even with the little detail I provided. I very much appreciate your reply and the others who have taken the time.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 18, 2022

Dr. Bowman,

I am guessing this reply is to me. Or, at least, I hope so. Either way...

The only people who should be chiming in are those who have experienced what you are going through. Since my Master has had submissives when he was married, I asked him if he had any advice (he doesn't have an account on this site, so....) and he said: "sit down with your submissive and talk with her about her needs, wants and expectations. You both have to determine whether or not you can realistically give her what she needs as her dominant, give your wife what she needs as her husband, and most importantly, make sure your needs are being taken care of. Unfortunately, being in a relationship, such as yours, requires a lot of sacrifices on everyone's part. Unless you move your submissive into your home with you and your wife or have her stay over for short periods of time (ie weekends), you cannot be there for her all the time and that is something that your submissive has to accept because it doesn't seem like either of you want to end the relationship."

My Master and I hope that his words help.

Inveniam Viam​(dom male) • Dec 18, 2022

Thank you moll. You don't know how much I appreciate the help. Please thank your Master as well.

This is exactly where we are at right now. Having that discussion to see if there is a way forward. Making sure that we are all aligned on the why, the how, and the desired outcome. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and spent time gathering and writing down all my thoughts so we take as much as we can into account and have no regrets either way (if that's possible). As much as I feel that is a sound approach, emotions are always unpredictable.

Moving in with us is not an option unfortunately for many reasons that I prefer not to discuss on a public forum.

I will always feel like there is a way to make it work because that is how I am programmed. That anything is possible. But even if we can come to a solution, I need to account for the well being of everyone involved and not put their mental or emotional states at risk just to make it possible.

I still have a lot of thinking to do.

Again your thoughts and those of you Master are much appreciated...thank you so much.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 18, 2022

Dr. Bowman,

I read your reply to my Master and he appreciates your thanks, as do I.

I totally understand your not wanting to disclose too much detail about your personal life. I think most on this site understands and agrees.

It's commendable....ok....it's freaking WONDERFUL.... that you are willing to work at your relationship with your submissive and are taking into account everyone's emotional well being (yours, your wife's, your sub's).

Master and I wish you and yours the best.

Moll

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Dec 19, 2022

Sounds to me like you three are ready for chastity cages/belts with vibrators that are remotely controlled via phone, and put a plan together for one household or the other to consolidate. Is Vanilla wife ready for a 24/7 maid? The old cage under the bed would then work. Have they even met?

Speaking of jealousy, I am SO jealous! Having searched my whole life for a slavegirl who continues to enjoy my bondage and imaginative play has exhausted me after 70 years of age. Two ex-wives who turned from bondage-loving subs into raving church mongers was massively devastating, each time.

You and yours have my prayers for a workable solution, with communication forever.