Any Doms who do it for fun?

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Oct 5, 2023

Its always funny when someone with so many red flags bashes "Findoms"

Tremulous • Oct 5, 2023

huh...I'm curious to know what you consider red flags about me. But I suppose that would be best explained in private.

Re: Any Doms who do it for fun?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 6, 2023

i avoided reading this thread because of the subject title, probably because i wouldn't put "fun" as a primary motive for seeking a D/s dynamic. But i understand that's me, not making that a universal inclination. Can it be fun or have fun elements? For me it can, but it's serious fun to me because it involves intimate, vulnerable parts of who and how i am, and i am equally looking to connect with corresponding intimate, vulnerable parts in the Man i might engage with... so "fun" just feels like too casual a word to sum up my motive?

i don't think you are "just a bad Sub" ... though i'm confident you've likely heard that or had it implied when you failed to meet others expectations of who and what you should be. i don't think all the Doms that didn't fit were necessarily "bad" either, maybe just not a fit for you?
To me, that's the crux of the issue.
i believe identifiers like "Dom" or "sub" or "_____________," are labels intended to attract initial attention. i don't think that people are something we can bottle and label, that will always be what we 'expect.'
Some role play, and that involves a script of sorts. i think that can provide a more exact result, depending on how good the actors are. But then, it's "acting," and one is never sure if what one is getting is pretend or real? For instance, one might fake an orgasm to satisfy some desire in their partner. me? i'd rather know the real results than have someone play the role of having an orgasm. Personally, this stuff is real for me, so i don't want "role play." But i think that makes it a lot harder because we are all individuals and no two Doms, subs, __________, are alike. Finding someone who has enough of what we consider vital needs/desires that correspond to ours is a huge challenge, even with computers to help us search lol. (i think online could actually serve us by increasing the odds, i just think we don't use it very well).

Re: Any Doms who do it for fun?

Tremulous • Oct 6, 2023

Thanks for your thoughts. The more insights I get, the more fascinating this is becoming!
I'm starting to believe that one of my previous revelations may be true, and that this community does have a different definition of the word "fun." I can see now I likely should have used the word "Enjoyment" in it's place. As you say, "fun" has grown to have a connotation with casual sex beyond just the emotion of "having fun." AKA, enjoying your participation in something.

If I may ask, how would you sum up your motives for engaging in BDSM? As from what I have heard and experienced so far, I can only assume that there truly are people out there who engage in this kind of "play" to throw off the expectations of their society and indulge their dark thoughts/desires. To abuse or be abused without the fear of their partner leaving or of being reported to authorities. To allow themselves to hate or be hated in a way that can be "set aside" and "put back in it's box" when the night is over. Or to own/be owned by another human being in a contract not universally considered abhorrent and punishable by imprisonment or worse.

I am glad to hear also, that there are others here and around who see the futility and foolishness of attempting to label everything and everyone. As you mentioned it helps make things easier. Not only to describe, but also to Identify. But I do look forward to the day when our species grows beyond it's need to categorise everything and to always have an explanation, label, definition and designated area for all things. It may make things harder for us and require us to apply more of our time TRULY understanding. rather than taking the easy option of a simple definition and moving swiftly on. But I was always taught that quick or easy option was always the most harmful, least productive and least rewarding. Ultimately, I doubt we ever be able to simply see people as just "people" ever again, if we ever did.

Please do not be offended by my confusion, ignorance or lack of understanding. I do not wish to upset anyone, shame anyone or imply that anyone is wrong. I simply hope to understand this community and it's practices so that I make better informed and perhaps safer decisions in my future.

This is truly eye opening to me!
Thank you.

Re: Any Doms who do it for fun?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 6, 2023

No offense from where i sit. In one way or another, we are all confused, ignorant or lack understanding. You've only been a member of The Cage for six days now, so how much could anyone (your self included) expect you to know about The Cage? i think the more you read, the more you interact, the more connections, and prolly disconnections, you will have.
i see "This community" as a macrocosm of microcosms, a collection of complex individuals, with diverse ideas and "practices." i don't think there is a universally accepted notion here about "fun," or anything else. Case in point, you are a member of The Cage community and you note you see "fun" differently than some of the other members you have encountered. Hopefully, we all share, discuss, clarify and come to better understanding of where each individual part that makes up the community is coming from. Some people we resonate more with, others not as much, but probably never completely connect on all levels with anyone?

As to my "...motives for engaging in BDSM?"
i approach "BDSM" more from the bottom up than from the top down (of course, i am a bottom lol). i've been here ("The Cage") for several years and participated pretty frequently in forum discussions and some blogging. If i look at any of what those letters represent on a general level (i.e. BDSM), none of those letters is much of a fit for me. "B."i think i've only ever been tied up once in my life (though i confess i have 4 point restraints on my rice bed). "D." i've never felt the need or desire to be disciplined by someone. "S." notta sadist and do not relate or respond to someone who wants/needs to give physical pain. "M." notta masochist and do not relate or respond to someone who wants to receive physical pain. i have wondered if i may be categorized in some way as having some psychological masochist in me because i get arroused and bonded to a certain kind of Man Who may do things that may be generally considered degrading/humiliating, but that's not a simple topic. i don't really see the interaction i am talking about as harmfully degrading/humiliating, but really the opposite. A simple example of that would be some cultures consider being gay and having sex with a man as "degrading/humiliating." If one is raised and conditioned by such a culture, they may have cognitive and emotional issues with being gay, even if that's how they are. Cognitive/emotional dissonance. Yet, that person is attracted, aroused and engages in sex with a man, despite those conditioned feelings of degradation/humiliation. On the other hand, those experiences are also affirming.

That's a simple example, with a lot of detail left out, but hopefully gets the idea across that many of our needs/desires may fall outside of the cultural norms we were conditioned by. i participate in a BDSM community like The Cage because this is kind of like the Island of Misfit Toys. Something we all have in common is we fall outside 'the norm' in some way. Even though those 'ways' may be varied and diverse, it lands us all on that "island" because we are different. i participate because i am freer to be who and how i am in front of others than in mainstream society, and i'm more likely to find people who relate, understand and i even may connect with.

For me, it's not a matter of engaging in BDSM, but rather an effort to be and express who and how i am in a place where i find others who may relate and may even have corresponding needs/desires.
Not sure that answers your question?

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 6, 2023

Sorry to break the flow albeit very briefly:


I (used to) stick my hands in pants for fun.


------------------------


So... "fun" is a pretty broad concept.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 6, 2023

Was there someone wearing them at the time?

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 6, 2023

... Of course. Where's the fun in groping a coat hanger??

.... even though they're always hard and bent.

Tremulous • Oct 12, 2023

I take it from your lack of any response or examples of so called "red-flags." That you just got upset that I mentioned in my profile, that I consider people who beg others for money to not be very dominant and so chose to lash out.

I had hoped that you would respond with mature, insightful and constructive comments, how disappointing to find that you only wanted to make someone self-conscious rather than helping someone to grow.
If you feel offended, please refer to your own profile picture.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Oct 12, 2023

Ooh, I feel compelled to pick up this cudgel and run with it!

You asked for some constructive criticism and my cold medicine is working I want to make it clear I'm attacking your arguments, not you as a person. I don't know you so I can't judge you or your character, only the argument you're putting forward here.

>Ok, so I've been lurking in the background of this scene for a few years now. However due to unfortunate circumstances have been almost entirely unable to engage with any Dominants in person. So my limited experience with Doms comes almost solely from online interactions.

You've recently created an account here, and claim to have had very limited experiences with Dominants in an online environment, on which you're basing the controversial opinion that all Dominants are doing this for reasons tied up in "arrogance, entitlement and ego-stroking." You've rattled The Cage

Strike one. Correlation does not imply causation. Just because you've encountered a lot of IG and TikTok wannabe doms doesn't mean all Dominants are that way. Just like all squares are rectangles, not all rectangles are squares. Life is like that sometimes.

>"I understand that "online Dom's" are almost always going to have issues, otherwise I would expect them to be "Real-life Dom's" with real, physical partners/submissives.

Dominants, like most people in the world today, exist both online and offline. I have physical partners, as well as online partners. I would argue that you get both ends of the spectrum with regards to stability, attitude, reliability, etc. online and offline. Same as any other cross-section of humanity. This is not exclusive to the BDSM/kink/fetish scene either. It's just people.

>(besides, we all know that anonymity, especially the kind that the internet provides brings out the worst in humanity.)

It definitely can.

>But the overwhelming number of self proclaimed "Dom's" who exude arrogance and seem to expect the world to be handed to them on a silver platter, and beg them to take it too. Is becoming...kind of worrying.

I would ask where you're meeting these people. I would also ask how much exposure to the community and education you've had in the BDSM/kink/fetish scene, in general. Further upthread I remember seeing you not knowing what OTK meant, a basic BDSM term (meaning Over The Knee, in regards to spanking. Also a kind of boot I adore.) This is not a knock on you, I learn new things every day.

Again, this is okay, COVID made things hard for many people to get started the last few years.

But if you are making blanket statements about how Dominants are basically heartless trash, it does beg the question how much exposure to the community outside of the DMs you have had.

>So many seem to expect others to submit to them with no questions asked, no limits, no choice and no respect. Just total unconditional control and surrender.

For me, when I meet a potential partner, I need to get to know them. I don't trust someone that offers it up right away. It means they don't care about me and don't want to serve *me*, they just want a kink dispenser.

If I don't know their psychological makeup, I don't know their interests, or what they've done in the past, I don't know what buttons to push. I don't know what's safe for them, what their limits are. I don't want a "plug and play submissive", I want a thinking, breathing, creative human being. We'll have vanilla conversations, we talk about our day. I encourage them to do well, I learn all the little buttons, snaps and zips to tug and pull as we go while we are part of each others' lives. It doesn't just happen right away, it's a serious time investment and I want to know that we are truly compatible.

>I don't know if this means I'm just a bad Sub or if having self-respect is antithetical to being submissive in general. But as someone who likes to know that they are entertaining others and kind of enjoys being controlled. But also likes and wants to be acknowledged and rewarded for their dedication and service. I'm starting to get the impression that I'm either missing some important part of this puzzle or some important aspect of myself.

Another red flag. Binary thinking. It is not one or the other. Power exchange means having the ability to withdraw from the exchange at any time. You have the ability to say no, to say fuck this shit, at any moment you feel uncomfortable.

And the Dominant has to respect that. If they don't? That's not you being a bad sub, or being antithetical to the submissive ethos. That's exactly what power exchange is. You are not powerless to leave, you are empowered to stay.

But that also means if you're going beyond what the Dominant feels comfortable or willing to put up with the Dominant can also withdraw and move on. Very basic power exchange stuff here.

Your post, whether you meant for it to or not, came off as someone who has had some bad interactions and has become embittered towards the scene and Dominants. Someone who makes broad generalizations, demands we prove your (perhaps misconceived on our part) conceptions wrong, but also doesn't know some very basic stuff. Those red flags.

People are very complex, each doing this thing for their own reason. I have a little dark part inside me that needs to be fed with the discomfort of others and pictures of men wearing panties. Am I arrogant or entitled? No. I treasure all the people that engage with me in this way. They enrich my life as much as I enrich theirs. We have a great deal of fun, as we define fun. That's different for everyone, and that's why compatibility is so important.

I would encourage you to keep learning! To keep engaging with the community here and other places. To not internalize negative experiences when you find them, because sometimes a person is just not for you and that is 100% okay.

And to know if you make a blanket statement about a group of people, they are going to get in their feelings about it. This is actually a great place to land, it's one of my favorite kink hangs online. People are really friendly and welcoming, especially the chatroom once it starts rolling.