The Partners That Come Before “Him”

Notely • Oct 9, 2018

When I got in this lifestyle I had trainer he trained me furst time we went to dinner to see how it would go. He only trained me no sexaul intercorse was involved beacause trainer trains. BDSM is bond and love and trust not all sex. I been in the lifestyle 17 years. I don’t do the play partner thing but if it help you learn but I can say along as you happy your freewill. You just have to becareful energy is earned not given. I keep my self reserved you gotta date vanilla bit still be BDSM you don’t have to get in bed with someone. Bdsm about Two people not messing around. Good to have safe not right off the bat thier to many diseases un planned pregancys out there BDSM Comes with trust. This lifestyle not all sex its not 50 shades of grey. If you keep messing with wrong one how will you settle. Women body is a temple to many guys like nipulate women bdsm not hook ups never was its not about having nudes cock puctures thats all vanilla. Gotta have manners and class man should only have eyes for one its teo way street not just one. I’m way before 50 shades. You do what you want but know to protect yourself the way you put yourself out thier thet ie what you find.

Bunnie • Oct 9, 2018

I guess the thing that concerns me a little is that it sounds a bit like you jumped into playing together before everything was discussed and negotiated. That could’ve helped clarify a lot around whether or not you’re both on the same page, because the other thing that concerns me a little is that it sounds like perhaps you’re not. I understand that sounds like a stickler thing to say, and I also understand that things shift and change. However, in my opinion it’s about building a solid foundation to be able to explore from. If you don’t have that, things will always be unstable.

ivyandtwine​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2018

I understand where you are coming from... I've always been an "all in" gal-- serious commitment or what's the point?

But I found that it was actually very unhealthy for me and have been trying to get more open minded... That's the personal context.

The BDSM context is that I'm v new and have no real irl play experience, just disorganized play with romantic partners. Atm all my play is control based and online. So, take me with a grain of salt ?

Everyone is singing about communication, I agree. But I think there's an element of knowing what you need as well (darling Bunnie mentioned this I think).

But also:
After care is real important, so that takes intimacy, right?
Not all intimacy is romantic.
For me, how I show respect/friendship to a Dom might not be every one's cup of tea. For instance, to be able to keep the connection and desire to submit open I need to feel looked after in some non-sexy ways. The Dom I've been talking with and I realized this early on.

Instead of bullying or shutting me down, he asked "why?" We can do this for ourselves as well.

Maybe you're like me and just want to show affection/respect for the connection by asking him how his day was, or if he got home safe. Maybe you don't need a Relationship, but in order to play you need a relationship? Does that make sense?

IDK. Again, I'm new. Any other experienced ppl plz call bullshit on any of this ?

LordofPain56 • Oct 10, 2018

It sounds to me like what happened to "SubmissiveMe" is that she originally did not share with her partner any set desire for commitment (monogamy), but as the relationship grew, she may have begun to want to change her mind about that. Perhaps somewhere in between, you were trying to convince yourself that you had no desire for commitment (perhaps for fear of losing him), but in the back of your mind, you wanted more. Maybe you actually did not want to share him.
I'm not saying either casual or commitment is right or wrong. You must decide for yourself, then communicate it to your partner.

Badkarma​(dom male){searching} • Oct 15, 2018

@papabear ditto ditto ditto!
I had a very well-thought-out response to this topic and in reading the responses before me realize that you covered every aspect of my personal feelings on the subject. Communication is by far the number one key to any successful relationship be it vanilla or BDSM.

"no can be implied ... consent cannot"

Read and reread, I could not agree with this more.

@ submissiveme if your partner is unwilling to communicate with you, they are only taking their wants and needs into account. It's easy to get overwhelmed with the intensity of a moving sexual dynamic. But if you feel yourself becoming more attached, that is the time to sit down and force the conversation. It must be brought up respectfully, but must be brought up nonetheless. If you are Desiring more than your play partner is capable of giving, then you must ask yourself the question, is this worth my time? If you're willing to lower your expectations of the relationship, then it may be something that can be worked out. But if your play partner has no expectation of it becoming more or has the inability to pursue more due to his circumstances, then it may be time to walk away.
I hope this in some way helps.

BK

submissiveMe​(sub female){Not yet :)} • Oct 29, 2018

Thank you all for your replies. It’s nice to have other points of view.

Since this post I’ve found our style and desires to be incompatible and broken off the association. I’m not the sort who enjoys play without connection. Even if there’s an agreement of an open sort of relationship I need to be able to care for someone I’m regularly having sex with and know that is returned. And lack of communication is a dealbreaker. Here’s to what’s next

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 29, 2018

Stop everything until the conversation can happen.


It concerns me greatly that there was a talk agreed to that didnt happen.


You seem to know what you want and need.

Now it's about making those things happen.

submissiveMe​(sub female){Not yet :)} • Oct 30, 2018

MasterBear you are right. He turned out to be kind of a false Dom. No negotiations. No aftercare. BDSM seemed like less a lifestyle and more a vehicle to control a sexual relationship. “Don’t question the Dom”. Luckily I know enough to know somethings that should’ve happening. My local Fet community has been pretty great in being a resource for learning. There’s just a lot to it to learn.

KittySunflower​(sub female) • Oct 30, 2018

@ivyandtwine - I completely agree with your point about after care. But first communication, as a lot have said. It's key. And every relationship even online needs to build on something and you can't do that with poor communication.

I'm new so there's a lot of questions I have and I don't want to get miss treated or miss treat someone else.
It's hard to say you should know what you want when you're new. Really taking the time to communicate with ones and learn slowy until you discover your wants, needs, limits, and expectations.
I'm glad @sm you see you're worth more then what he was willing to give. And you have local support.
I've read a lot of post and seems like not all find what they need or want right away it takes time and patience. I really hope you find what you seek.

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Nov 16, 2018

Each situation has it's own dynamics. Two people coming together in any form introduces unique things based on the two people involved.

There are common attributes though in any relationship, casual, vanilla, D/s, or any kind. Communication and being open to each other is the most important, at least to me. If someone is unwilling or unable to be clear about their needs and desires, it makes it difficult for anyone to be able to satisfy them.

As a Dom, I know my subbie need to know what makes me tick and to be a good Dom for her I have to know her.