Why it so hard to find a true Dominant?

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Sep 30, 2018

All the subs I had come from different websites, I have been to munches regularly every month and never connect with any subs there. Most of them were already collared or maybe just not interested in me lol.
Like I said there is no recipe... but giving hope for one type of search against another is not the right thing to say... unless of course you have statistics to prove it

kadou • Sep 30, 2018

If you're having trouble finding someone, send me a message. Maybe I can help.

In all seriousness, I've noticed that across many social media sites, there are a lot of people who have a checklist with 467 bullet points for what their perfect partner needs to have, who claim to be unable to find anyone at all. This seems especially true on large sites with lots of members; there's an illusion of choice due to the sheer volume of profiles, and it becomes very easy to start passing over every profile based on 1 minor flaw. Paradoxically, it's probably a lot easier to meet people in real life, or in smaller communities with fewer members, both because the trust factor is higher, and because people subconsciously lower their standards when the cornucopian mirage disappears.

To be clear, if you are receiving 20 messages a day, the situation definitely isn't as dire as you think. Even if 95% of them are fakes (and I'm sure the real number is much lower), that's 1 genuine offer each day. Rather than looking for your perfect dream partner, try looking for someone who has the same ideas, goals, and philosophies as you, then work from there.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Sep 30, 2018

@ DrWakko, while I appreciate your advice, it seems to be very repetitive. You seem to always mention finding local munches to meet people but this isn’t always a viable option for everyone. If it works for you great! But some people are to shy, some people don’t live in an area where munches are regularly available and some people don’t like to go to munches alone.

I know you’re also asking people to mention what kind of relationship they are looking for but for me, personally I have no idea? I’ve listed on my profile what I’d ideally like and that’s to explore with someone local to me. However, sometimes connections are made with those who are further away and perhaps the connection is strong enough to warrant that extra effort.

Yes, some people are after online only dynamics and some are after real life only? Basically the bottom line is everyone is after different things (like you said). But diversity is great and everyone just needs to find what works for them personally.

The reply I made before was more in general terms because not everyone has the same wants and needs. Saying that, the majority of people who have come here, from what I’ve seen, do so to meet/chat/connect with like minded people and to find that Dom/e sub, switch or couple to explore with. It is also probably not the only way they are trying to meet that “someone”.

DrWakko • Sep 30, 2018

@ck: I'm sick of excuses on why people can't do things. Either you want to do it or you don't. Everyone entering a munch for there first time is shy and nervous. Its how you handle it. If you are too shy to leave your house you probably shouldn't be part of this lifestyle since you have a lot of underling issues you need to work out.

I also ask that people put cyber, ltr or real life because when people talk about their cyber relationships I can't relate and I don't expect someone who only is in cyber relationships to understand about my real life relationship.

I will always suggest going to munches because its a safe environment for someone new. I never said people had to go alone or in a group. I just said go to a munch.

I will also never suggest someone get in a cyber relationship because I am a firm believer that you can't have cyber D/s. Too many fakes.... too many velcro collars... too many predators lurking on line. I will always suggest staying away.

Get into a long distance relationship and work on meeting someone... thats cool... but cyber is for predators.

Ahabsilver • Oct 5, 2018

It is a truism (every girl of 16 will know this) that men know themselves--throughout their lives, and despite every opportunity to grow--less well than women. This is why a true Dom is hard to find. Duclos, the French author of the 18th century, in the decadent decades prior to the Revolution, once wrote, "Men can only enjoy the love they feel. Women can only enjoy the love they give." This is the same era the Marquis De Sade was writing "Justine", and organizing orgies at his chateau. Everyone on this site is a footnote to literature. Slaves are conniving. They have no real power. Women are absent from history and depend upon men. This means women's intelligence must be greater than men's if they are to survive and obtain pleasure in any form. Men are not required to do anything but make war and fuck. So they kill everything in sight and fuck their brains out. A true Dom is an intellectual man, like the Marquis. He has clear purposes because he seeks to focus his energies on one thing (sex) and he does this by one means (sadism). Such men are very few indeed.

sweet november​(sub female) • Oct 5, 2018

So thinking with only your penis makes you Dominant?

SOGirlOnFire​(sub female) • Oct 5, 2018

First, I would like to say please don’t lock this thread. It may be over one year old but as a novice to the community, it made for an interesting story. Reading the different opinions of different people over time was helpful for me. (The part where it got a little off topic was less beneficial but I had a teacher once who said everyone can be a teacher because you can always be a bad example.) To try to obtain the volume of advice given in this thread individually would take a newcomer a long time and I am grateful to all who posted.

I read all 14 pages and there was only one mention of “know it when you feel it”..... As a society we have stopped listening to our inner voice, our gut feeling, our heart. My life experience recently forced me to step forward blindly without knowing the outcome and nothing to support the decision to step in THAT PARTICULAR direction except whether or not it “felt right”. I had to stop, listen to MYSELF, did this resonate with me as a person, does this feel right. Not every step did - so it was necessary to take a step back to where it did feel right and then take a step in a different direction until it did. I see finding a True Dom no different. If I do not now WHAT I want/need - how can the Universe bring him to me. I have only been here a few days but I am an excellent student of self-awareness. Here is what I know about myself, some of it I already knew and some of it is just my aha moments which are kind of putting my life into perspective when examined closely retrospectively. I am an alpha female IRL and I intend to stay so, I enjoy it as a career. And when my career is not in play, I want to be submissive little girl to a soft but firm Daddy Dom. He will be an expert in seduction of my mind, his words will cause physical reaction, and he will make me feel safe and protected at all times. My online dating profile in vanilla world used to read “seduce my mind and my body will follow”. I did not realize at the time how close I was to realizing MY personal truth. My Dom will be a gentle but stern lover- an expert with soft restraints. He will be my Hero, my confidant, my provider, my protector, the owner of my mind and body. I YEARN to make him happy BECAUSE he makes me feel all those things!! When he feels loved, he makes me feel loved. I read a quote very far back in the thread which read “Men can only enjoy the love they feel. Women enjoy the love they give.“ EXACTLY!!!!!!!

Also, if I don't respect/love/honor myself, how do I hold any value as a submissive?? If I want to feel treasured, I must be treasure.

I am enjoying learning about the lifestyle and read many forums, blogs and profiles here and elsewhere. In all of that, I found a profile I read at least three times. The words he used, his approach to the art of being a Dom,
him knowing what HE wanted as a Dom made me catch my breath, my heart beat faster. Look for THAT..... take a step in THAT direction..... might not be exactly THE path but that inner voice is at least pointing you in the right direction. LISTEN!!!


Because of vanilla views, BDSM is perceived as violent, forceful, painful, hurtful- maybe, if that is what you like......and there are a whole bunch of other flavors in the ice cream shop too..... pick your flavor and have a great time

JaimeJade​(sub female){BaronJ} • Oct 5, 2018

You have to go through the fakes to know what you’re looking for. I learnt this the hard way. But now I have the most amazing Dom who I know is 100% genuine

My 2 cents

PaNdEmIc • Oct 5, 2018

I dont think it's as much, finding a true dom or finding a true sub as it is finding someone who is a match for what you want, what you look for, and someone that shares your likes/dislikes. As many already know, this lifestyle offers up a wide array of different likes, different fetishes, kinks, different kinds of dynamics. And what one is looking for...there are 5 or more that are looking for something else. What alot fail to realize is that not everyone that takes the label as Dom...or Sub have the time or even the interest to be involved with the lifestyle 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Does this mean they are any less a dom? Does this mean they are any less a sub? No. This just means they have life obligations that dictate their time or even their interests. Some just dont wish to devote all of their time to the lifestyle. Alot of full time lifestylers, tend to put a stigma on men and women who aren't as involved as they are. This is not fair to those who dont have time or have the level of interest that's others do. Now, with that said. Yes, there are plenty of fakes out there. Doms that dont have a clue about what they are doing have alot more damaging implications than subs that dont have a clue. These fake doms dont stop to think about what it really means to be a dom. When you are a skilled dom, you have the emotional weight of your sub resting in your hands. You mold them, you care for them, and in most cases a dom that neglects or takes advantage of a subs vulnerability, wreaks havoc on their emotional development as a sub. It can cause serious lasting harm. Alot of true subs have experienced this in some form or another, making it harder for doms to break down walls, or even make a connection with that sub. So, fakes are a serious problem. But as subs, you need to develop a way to differentiate the difference between what is real and what is fake. As Doms, we need to step it up and be strong for these subs. They depend on us, they give their emotional health and vulnerability to us. That is never to be taken lightly or taken for granted. Without their submission, we as doms, are nothing. Plain and simple. Now, this is just my 2 cents, my opinion. My apologies for it being lengthy. As a Dom, I have an open door policy to all subs. If you are collared please seek permission from your Dominant to speak with other doms, but with that said, I offer advice to all subs. I am not perfect by no means, but I offer advice and my opinions to those want to hear them. I hope this has offered some insight, if only a small amount to anyone who it may help.

silentone​(dom male) • Oct 5, 2018

I like Maters Travis reply. Every SUB and EVERY Dom is different. Finding the right one on either side is tough. Finding a real one and one that fits for you is even tougher and takes time. I encourage LOTS of talking back and forth, lots of verification different pictures anything to prove they are who they say they are. I tell anyone interested in being a sub here , family comes before this if they have that. Others dont have it so the setup changes again , but again its different for each one. Some doms can say "I only want someone that does 24/7" or some other criteria. And thats fine, that is their niche. Others are more flexible. And you find out by talking and asking questions. And if your gut says something's wrong, for crying out loud dont move forward until you resolve it. Gut checks are 99.9% right. If you can't , no matter how good the rest looks , wait. Talk some more. Still not feeling it ? Then walk away. Explain to them it does not feel right and if he is a good one, he will understand and offer to help clear it up if he can. There is one out there don't take the one that comes close, take the one that fits.