Sadism and Masochism

KnottyBunny • Aug 29, 2020

I'm not going to lie... we did start out as D/s... We evolved... him first... I understood and followed.. Our needs compliment each other very well and we connect very well on many levels.. I understand and can accommodate his needs/wants. I need and like the pain only He can give me more than needing a collar or love in return. I would NEVER give my body to anyone the way I do for Him.

I recently had a friend hang out with me before he moved out of state. Completely took me off guard telling me he was in love with me. That I am the sexiest woman he knows and he doesn't understand why God won't give him what he wants (me). I just looked at him and he answered "Because I'm not "him"?". He already knew. That is how deep my connection is with my Sadist. I wouldnt give it up for the yellow house with the red door in the country with the wrap around porch... and yes, tjat was offered. Maybe if there was a horse and two pygmy goats involved though.... a girl can dream... jk Still not worth it to me because I can give those things to myself someday, when Im ready.

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Konvik you know that is my fave scene... it better be set up next time I'm over...with my pain session playlist playing... just saying! 😉 Now if you would just let me call you Daddy everything would be right in the world! 😆 Sorry... the bratty little in me comes out sometimes... 😆

Everyone just wants to put everything under D/s or M/s... thats not where we are. I like our pain play the most! Can't wait for our next session!

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Aug 29, 2020

Why should every relationship fit into a labelled box ? Each couple or moresome are free to craft the dynamic they require !

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2020

I don't see how any of the replies really get to the heart of your question, I'll take a stab at it with the caveat that this is mostly intellect and philosophy over experience talking...

I think that probably, the principle of SSC came after...much later in fact, than the existence of sadism and masochism. The acronym BDSM is after all, just a construct created to describe the fetishes, not the other way around.

Still, you're question is if I understand it, whether or if at all you and your sadist fit into this constructed lifestyle. The answer from what I can tell is yes and no!

If it's as you say, without limits and safe words, you two are probably in the .05% of people (I'm making up a number I think could be accurate) who are true sadist and masochist.

But, you also say there is trust, and that it began as D/s first so...I think this indicates that there is at the very least Consent. Possibly sanity and safety only because you two have an understanding. Just because you don't ever feel the need to say "stop", doesn't mean SSC isn't in play. It simply could mean that you have a deep understanding and have found a rare and perfect match with someone just as edgy.

Finally, and even though you don't say it outright I think this may be your real or biggest question, is whether it's "ok" to "not care". In other words, for it just to be S/m without love, affection, etc.

I think it's obviously ok, and to different degrees it may be true for many people. Not everyone is looking for a relationship outside of the bedroom so to speak. Again though, your words are a little hazy in meaning here and it's really just a matter of perspective how you choose to frame it in your mind. There is obviously respect for one another, as you've mentioned you both feel lucky to have found your rare match in this regard.

So just because you aren't attached outside of this specific realm does not mean you don't care. You have trust, respect, consent, and mutual pleasure at the least.

And my guess is, if something happened to him like he was injured or died (God forbid), or vice versa) that you would care! That you would feel loss, and a kind of love. Because that's just human. You also probably have someone else, or have at some time, who doesn't fill this need for you but other needs like love and affection.

So, if you're wondering whether being on this far end of the spectrum is ok, yes. Who says you can't? Is it in the lifestyle as we know it today, yeah I think so, but I wouldn't count on finding anyone else at your level as I think it's pretty hardcore. You may have other dynamics that aren't at that level which means you'll have to compromise at least some of what you want.

It doesn't make you less than human and I think if you examine some of your thoughts and wording more closely you'll see that there is more subtlety than you seem to want to give creedance to.

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2020

Also I only read the first page so maybe some others did get to this point, I didn't realize there were more!

sardonicus87​(sadist male) • Aug 30, 2020

I skimmed this topic and replies and, as a sadist, I have seen a lot of misunderstanding in the broader BDSM scene as to what exactly S&M is. All of this is just my personal experience over the last 13 years in the scene. Sorry in advance for this will be very tl;dr...

I can't tell you how many times someone was in the scene for 20+ years and still didn't understand what a sadist is. S&M (in a non-D/s or power exchange dynamic; pure S&M if you will) is extremely rare in the scene with 75-90% of it all being some kind of D/s or M/s stuff and so many not even able to grasp the basic concept of what S&M is. One 20+ year "veteran" of the scene thought what I was into was just sensation play (eye roll).

Even a lot of BDSM websites outside of Fetlife don't even have options of listong sadist or masochist for your role (only various D/s dynamic roles). And I have met many others that think S&M is a subset or sub type of D/s or that everyone is some kind of D/s. The only people that seem to even get it, even if they aren't into it, are people like spankos and other fetishists that don't fall into the D/s roles.

And that's not to say D/s and these other things can't cross over or that someone can't be both, I am just saying in my experience, they can't even begin to understand no matter how much you explain it if you're, like me, not into the D/s roles and dynamics and stuff.

I have been in the scene for 13 years now and still haven't found even a single masochist female despite all the parties and munches I have been to on a very regular basis, and posting numerous ads in personals groups on every single app and website imaginable. A handful might have some slight masochistic leanings, but they're always D/s people that happen to prefer heavier playing, but only within a D/s context.

Those of us who are just into S&M for the sake of it (rather than in service to some power exchange dynamic) just aren't that numerous.

And yes, I also have faced quite a bit of problems in the general BDSM scene with being accused of being an abuser despite never having even dated or played anyone in "the scene" other than my wife (who is a spanko herself), just for openly being a sadist and wanting to do the things I want or liking the things I like. I've also many times, been kind of shunned by the community despite never having done anything, just for wanting what I want.

Also just some general presumptions and biases against S&M, and seen lots of it too. Like one maspchist female that was Asian had posted an after pic from her playing and it was flooded with comments from D/s people saying it should be taken down because she was "clearly a victim of sex trafficking, because nobody would ever willingly agree to that", and it wasn't even that extreme! Pretty standard/basic as far as S&M is concerned.

Even Fetlife now hides 90% of pics what S&M people do (bruising too heavy, blood, etc) because of that whole credit card fiasco. Many more S&M themed/types of groups are even hidden from group search, you can only find them by seeing it listed in a person's profile or having a direct link to the group.

But yeah, there being so few of us actually I think is why so many in the broader BDSM scene doesn't seem to even understand what it is. Makes me wish there was a site dedicated specifically to only S&M to make it easier for people like me to find other people like me. Also I think that's why so mamy in the scene just assume you're either a dom, sub or switch and don't even realize you could be NONE of those things.

And for some context as to play I am into (much of which I have tried, some of which can't find a willing partner, and all that I tried was with a girl I dated 10 years ago that I met on q vanilla dating site that wasn't even in the BDSM scene, she just discovered that she was a masochist when she was with me, and I havn't had any S&M play since): choking/breath play/drowning, hard caning, punching, cunt torture, nipple/breast torture, stomping, cunt punt, rape play, biting/pinching, manhandling, water-boarding, tit nailing (still haven't got to try this one), branding (still haven't gotten to try this either), etc.

KnottyBunny • Aug 30, 2020

Maybe a forum for sadists and masochists only should exist. But you are the only other person on here that I think truly understands how Konvik and I see it. Thanks for your reply!

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 30, 2020

I literally said the same thing...lol.

and I am not a S or M but just know these activities predate the terminology for BDSM.

They should have a site for you I guess, it would be easier probably.

Still, a lot of people took time to reply to your question in this forum, and even though many maybe weren't useful to you, this community has some really good folks who like to help and share.

Glad you have your Sadist, seems to me that is quite lucky considering it's so rare.

sardonicus87​(sadist male) • Aug 30, 2020

Well, it's not so lucky, more like a curse really, when masochists are equally as rare. Reality is, unless you live in a major, super metropolitan area like New York City, it means you're basically always alone in a crowd, the black sheep, not fitting in with anyone else in the group. It also means that at parties, while everyone else gets to have fun playing, you get stuck sitting on the bench, bored. Or if anyone isn't already too afraid of you to want to play, they're never going to want to do the things you want to do, so all you get to do is stuff you find boring or don't like. Even then, most venues have massive restrictions on various types of play that you might want to do or they don't have the facilities to allow it.

It actually is pretty alienating. Especially if you can't afford to fly 700 miles to play with someone, which would only ever be a rare treat if you could anyway, that's assuming you could even find someone online to agree (especially to more extreme stuff that requires more trust) when you're not a local and there's so much animosity in the scene of meeting people anywhere except a munch, especially online. And because you always never get to do anything, it means it's really hard to build any clout of trustworthiness within the scene or anyone to vouch for your [relative] safety.

Bunnie • Aug 30, 2020

@ sardonicus87,

Does gender matter to you if it’s solely about the play? Perhaps you might have some luck by opening your door to males also...

sardonicus87​(sadist male) • Aug 30, 2020

Gender actually matters very much for me. So far, of what few male masochists I have seen online, they either don't play with guys or they're gay men into sissification (or straight men too, but the straight ones only want a woman to do sissification). I'm not into sissy stuff or CBT, so that kind of really limits things. One local gay man messaged me right out of the gate asking if I would sissy him (but he wasn't a masochist, and again, I am not into sissification).

Besides, when I say I have yet to meet anyone else in the scene that's into S&M, I mean of any gender. In 13 years, I haven't met one person in the scene (in person at a munch or party, living within a reasonable distance) that was either a sadist or masochist regardless of gender. They literally all are D/s people or are some other kind of niche (foot fetishist, spanko, ABDL, etc). And what few I have seen online (on other sites, in S&M specific groups), they all live much too far away. Local classifieds have nothing, regardless of gender.