rkforhim(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Oct 28, 2020
Re: How long does it take you to fully trust a partner? ursa wrote: This question is more directed at my fellow submissives out there, but of course I'm happy to hear input from everyone here. I've been a submissive all of my life but the cage is my first BDSM community experience. So far, it's been fun. It makes pandemic feel more like a BDSM slumber party.
It's been great because everyone here seems to know that so much of what we all love revolves around trust. For many of us, building that trust takes time. I've had some negative experiences in the past that I'm ready to move past, but before I feel I can give any amount of control I feel that my trust has to be earned. I also know that sometimes I can move at a glacial pace when relinquishing that trust. No one is going to pressure me into anything too quickly, but I think a general survey of how long other submissives usually need to give up control when they find a potential partner might be helpful to me. I think a lot of what we do has the potential to cause some serious damage when that trust is given over too quickly, but maybe your input can help me realize when I should be recognizing that someone is really dedicated to earning my trust. So, in the nature of that slumber party, do you guys "kiss on the first date?" What's the BDSM version of that? I'm not going to let someone I just met completely restrict my every movement, but if we've been talking for a while and there's no red flags, maybe light rope play is okay? Even outside of bondage, I'm not going to let someone I've known for two days suddenly decide everything I eat, drink or wear. But how long has it taken each of you before you feel comfortable giving up those kind of controls over your life? Or maybe I'm not asking the right question, and it's not about time but more about certain indications that a potential dom gives you that let you know you can "let your guard down" about certain controls, so to speak? |
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rkforhim(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Oct 28, 2020
Thank you so much for posing this question. I have often wondered myself. I am a submissive who takes a bit longer to build trust but once I do, my gift of submission is endless. I wonder though...how long is too long to build that sort of trust??
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Taramafor(sub male)
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4 years ago •
Oct 28, 2020
Quote: how long is too long to build that sort of trust??
The moment you refuse to give a straight answer. And the moment you hide yourself. If you're the one waiting with no good reason beyond fearing the worst then the lack of trust if probably from you (or whoever makes excuses to put things off, which results in lack of communication and taking action). Not from them. Those that accept can be trusted. It's only those that don't that have to earn it. Make things a chore for someone that will more then welcome you but be difficult for no reason because you assume otherwise (or otherwise assume you can't have fun when you can without even finding out to even know either way through action) and you're breaking their trust, which risks turning that fear of not being accepted into a reality. Because of the unwarranted suspicion. Someone that might at first have done everything for you in a heartbeat may feel mistreated and do nothing if they are treated as someone to be kept on hold. Which is why I take action ASAP. Look after others quickly to show it can happen quickly. Get them to do the same back. People THINK they can trust each other. But then find out they can't trust THEMSELVES. Very common for relationships to suffer from lack of affection due to lack of activity. Due to lack of taking action. Those that stop making excuses, take action. Often have fun again. But if something like that was an issue in the first place then can you really trust each other? Or did you tell yourselves that when neglect happened in the first place. You won't find that trust on your own either. You have to take action with others to find out you can have that trust in yourself. Still down to your own ability. Or lack of it. |
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Lil Foxy Baby(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Oct 28, 2020
For me a have trust issues and my walls and defense are 100 feet tall and thick. I don't trust anyone. For me people have to constantly prove they aren't lying. It's been hard for me to even give any trust at all in the past few years.
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LaVieEnRose(sub female){Kintsugi}
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4 years ago •
Oct 29, 2020
I think it depends...I realised after about a year of searching that I never truly trusted a lot of the Doms I spoke with. I gave them a certain amount of trust but I never fully trusted them, I could never fully release my need for control because I didn’t trust them enough to give it to them.
But speaking with someone now I realise the difference. There is a feeling that you get, that feminine instinct that will kick in and tell you when something is wrong. |
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Alpha Wolfe
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4 years ago •
Oct 29, 2020
I never have. I don't know if I ever can. Simple as that for me.
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MysticalPoet(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Oct 29, 2020
I'm learning the hard way...u should only trust yourself and your instincts. Be a sub, enjoy yourself but never 100% trust anyone else. They will lie and tear u apart. Keep your heart hidden and just fucking have fun.
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ElizaEmma(sub female){NotLooking}
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4 years ago •
Oct 30, 2020
For me it is not an absolute period of time but after X number of significant events we go through together.
I can have, say, two years of "dinner and a movie" type interaction with someone and still would not trust him completely. But in less than a year another person and I experienced job change, major surgeries, and family drama, and a lot of trust was built when we tackle each of those together. |
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Taramafor(sub male)
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4 years ago •
Oct 30, 2020
kinkykink wrote: I'm learning the hard way...u should only trust yourself and your instincts. Be a sub, enjoy yourself but never 100% trust anyone else. They will lie and tear u apart. Keep your heart hidden and just fucking have fun.
Excuse me but this is bullshit. First of all not everyone lies. That is your fear and anxiety getting the better of you. Everyone may however fall into silence. Which complicates situations. You say to trust only yourself, but can you tell me you have never done this? What you complain about? Since you seem to value honesty so much I am going to push you for an HONEST answer. Because if are as guilty as everyone else then how can you trust yourself? I never lie but I also know I have other flaws. Sometimes I can't trust myself and need a nudge. And I suspect you do too. Who doesn't? This is why we need people to support us. Or "push" us in a healthy manner when possible. Sometimes people botch it up and hurt us. It happens. You also won't ever be accepted for who you are if you keep yourself hidden. There is a saying. "True suffering is hiding behind a fake smile." You want fun but you fear who you're with. You want the good but don't want to deal with the bad. You can't accept others if you do that. You'll push them away because you see the worst of them. They WILL become evasive with you if you do this. But it's not on them if you're being secretive and shady. It's on you. They'll make their own mistakes of course but "Jumping to the worst possible conclusion right away" has ALREADY broken their trust before you even open your mouth to them. I get it, you're sick of being mistreated. But you're projecting onto others. People that may NEVER lie. Some will make that claim and prove false (it's happened to me too). Others may never say it yet prove true. As for what the worst is, monsters are one thing. They can be honest. A "nice" person lying to your face is another. I actually find the later more dangerous. For even a monster can still be loyal to you. Though you yourself may have yet to experience this. Or realise you may be that monster. But if you are... don't shun what you've become. It's a good way to end up alone. Speaking from experience on that account. |
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OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours}
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4 years ago •
Oct 30, 2020
It takes me far longer to begin to Trust, and far too little time for me to lose that Trust.
As for trusting someone fully. Never have. I won't trust someone who doesn't understand me, or desire to give me what I need. That has never happened. Sometimes it is easier, to trust someone with loyalty, or to not. I have experienced both. But to trust someone with myself, my mind, to let someone protect me and see something of worth they want to guard with the same vigor as I myself do... That trust has only ever come from myself. |
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