Sadistic Disciplinarian

Yes, I'm doing this solo. I tend to be pretty adept at compartmentalising different parts of me and seeing the intersectionality between different facets. I just have a tonne of information here to process through trial and error first to get to a point of more clarity. I feel dominant and I feel submissive. Both are parts of who I am. I can choose to engage/activate my more dominant side or I can choose to engage/activate my more submissive side, and in a session, this can happen back and forth in relatively quick succession (my recent blog post #32, for example, is about 95% true to life - there are certain aspects that won't have happened exactly as written because there is technically just me, but where there is a little liberty taken to smooth over the fact there isn't physically a second person there, psychologically, it's still an accurate representation of those moments).

When it comes to what I want/need on both sides, for about 95% of all my kink preferences, they are in step with each other. I love being the spanker and the spankee, the rigger and the rope bunny, the degrader and the degradee. The very few activities where my preferences are not symmetrical are where my actual tolerance on the receiving side is lower than it is in fantasy. So in terms of desires, at least, they are basically 100% symmetrical.

That means that all solo activities I engage in can either be perceived just as myself as I am (a neutron - nice analogy!), or I can tap into perceiving the experience as the sadist, the degrader, the disciplinarian etc (a proton), or I can tap into perceiving it as the masochist, the degradee, the disciplined etc. (an electron).

I certainly see how someone like myself could be tricky for others to partner with because of this versatility, especially as I couldn't commit to only being one side of the slash forever. I might be happy to commit to being the dom for a long time, but if that means never getting to be the sub ever again, I would miss that experience. I've actually had more opportunity to be the sub in my sex life as a whole and being a dom is actually more the challenge.

I get a lot of energy from myself. I enjoy spending quality time with myself, understanding what's going on inside, learning new things. And yes, I am sociable as well and value relationships with others, but I find actually being in a romantic and sexual relationship with another person, while theoretically possible if I found a really good match, is not something I want or need right now and haven't done in several years. I feel fundamentally dichotomous and enjoy the challenge of mastering the balance between contrasting parts of myself.

For once in probably my whole life, I am starting to feel real physical intimacy with myself and a connection with myself as a sexual being, and harking back to my earlier point, it is actually the dom side of me in particular that has felt the most unexpressed and restricted all this time.

Being open with myself about my sadistic desires means shining a light on the darkest parts of me, which now feels possible after a very long journey dealing with depression and anxiety. And doing this solo whilst adopting this dual perception (proton/electron) rather than keeping it all integrated (neutron), is allowing my dom side greater agency and expression. Rather than being a vague shadow in my psyche bound up in secret shame, it can be given form and accepted for what it is with self-love. That is for me profoundly energising.

I fully appreciate that it isn't for everyone though. We each have our own journey and I respect that yours is not a solo path. Your perspective is still very much appreciated, so thank you