Emotions & Catching Feelings

Grey Eyes​(sub female){Owned} • May 18, 2024

For me (an IRL 24/7 s-type) there is love, affection, trust, respect for my Master on a higher level than my vanilla marriages. I believe this type of relationship is "deeper" than marriages and the time we took to learn each other reflects that. It makes a vast difference. It takes alot of work.

I do think some people (not only men) have armor around their hearts and may not want to be emotionally involved for their own reasons. It is great to know that disinterest in emotion initially. Find someone else if that is not what you are looking for, 'cause it's unlikely they are going to change their mind. I also believe that some Doms and Masters feel they are better in their role without emotion.

On the flip side, I can imagine those who want to scratch an itch in the lifestyle or want to gain more experience in a certain kind of kink, wouldn't want emotion involved. It would be more of a one or two and done I guess. That's not me, but I can see it's value for others.

Re: Emotions & Catching Feelings

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • May 18, 2024

It really all depends upon what you want out of your relationship. As Sir Don alluded to in his response above, some get into the kinky shenanigans for the sex only (and even friends with benefits). Their emotional investment is often limited and it doesn't need to be high. But it can be.

Some individuals are only seeking the BDSM aspect to include D/s or M/s relationships without the "burden" of true emotions. Some submissives simply want control (or a slave may simply want to be a hole for use or multiple holes for use for their master). Some desire to be abused in a consensual manner. Some prefer meaningless sex to include bondage, etc.

But some individuals are looking for the entire show. Their twin flame. The Yang to their Yin. And as such, emotions may play a preeminent role in the dynamic. I personally only enjoy relationships that include emotions. Including friendships.

As for how Dominants display this, I concur with Miki's comments as well as those from Solace: many individuals on both sides of the slash have the misconception that a man who displays any emotion or has lack of emotional control cannot be Alpha or Dominant or Master (some might say a Master of a slave cannot be emotional?). This has been around for a long time. (Boys don't cry.) Truth is, we master ourselves and control our emotions. My family didn't raise me to be a pillar of emotional control - society did. My family supported me letting it out. So my family balanced me out. I am a very emotional individual. I just show it in the right moment with the right individuals. Do I cry? When I'm eating the best steak cooked just right, yes. When I have an intense orgasm? No, I just sometimes kick my feet and roar! Sorry, I digress.

Solace hits a very valid point: today's society is very critical of particularly strong men. They try to paint any strong males as misogynistic. And they give mixed signals to the younger generation. It used to be a negative for a man to show emotion. Now it's a negative for a man not to show emotion - too much emotion. Thankfully, I am me. I would crush the miscreants and still smile or laugh or show whatever emotion I desire. I won't play their silly games. In this community where we are discussing these topics, we know that submissives (male and female) desire a stronger Dominant/Domme. But a stronger Dominant is able to display any motion necessary and specifically in the right moment.

Sorry for going sideways on this discussion. Back to point, I personally believe in emotions in relationships, especially BDSM and dynamics.

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • May 18, 2024

Agreed there are more and more who don’t want feelings. Gender not being specific to this viewpoint. I’m not referencing the romantic emotions. Basic feelings of caring, respect, taking care of each other, and wanting each other to be safe. This type of kink play is dangerous to me.

I also feel that we all have emotions. This includes male genders. Many of them have drop too. And don’t voice it or recognize it. Thinking that voicing it to be weak. I feel that men who show their emotions even just a little including when having a rough time to be the strongest of men. This is a personal opinion.

I believe what started this thread is those D types who don’t want the emotional attachments on either side and yet want the benefits of kink and sex. Most s-types have emotional needs that increase the deeper the dynamic goes. There is a disconnect with understanding this. Vulnerability is being needy, and that includes emotional.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • May 19, 2024

"some get into the kinky shenanigans for the sex only (and even friends with benefits). " Big difference between kinkters, kinktards and D/Ms

intenseoldman​(dom male) • May 22, 2024

BDSM is like music categorized into a multitude of genres and sub genres. It's all open to interpretation.

I am sure there are cold, detached relationships that exist on nothing but service and one sided sexual gratification. Not the life I'm after, but I'm sure it suits others fine.

What I want out of a D/s relationship is to feel the full range and depth of emotion with more intensity and more control than I could in vanilla.

There's nothing unmannly about being in touch with your emotions. What's unmannly or "undomly" is having no control over them.

Re: Emotions & Catching Feelings

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 23, 2024

What "importance" do i " think emotions play in BDSM."

i think they are foundational, the essence of. i think which emotions, variation, combination, intensity is a as infinite and fluid as people are. i don't believe the choice to seek out or enter a BDSM dynamic can be separated from ones emotions. All of our senses are hardwired to go through the emotional seat of the brain before reaching the area of reason, so i think our 'reason' is often coated in, influenced by, emotion.

i think emotion is often cerebralized, particularly when one's been conditioned against having or displaying emotion, but i don't think that makes one unemotional. i think denying, hiding, suppressing, repressing, etc., emotion doesn't make them or their effects go away. i do believe that emotions are often stunted , warped, misconstrued, by the pushback, lack of acknowledgement, or ignorance of their existence, they often get.

i think fear of fear can be more debilitating than the original fear itself.

Grizzledoldman • May 24, 2024

What a fascinating question and the answers as diverse as we all are.

To me, and this is purely me, how do you Dominate without a deep concern for your submissive? And how do you deeply care for someone that you don't have feelings for?

I can understand in play scenes, as they are by nature transient, temporary. But even then those feelings must exist, even if only momentarily. The play scene, to my mind, seems largely transactional. Each partner bringing and leaving something. And then getting on with life.

I'm an odd guy I suppose, but to me real strength is showing you care. Controlling those feelings so that nothing flies off the rails is next level strength.

LoveandDevotion​(sub female){Looking} • May 25, 2024

I'm just chipping in to add to the diversity of viewpoints. I don't have a casual bone in my body. I was searching for a Master husband (and hopefully have found him, for now he's my Master boyfriend.) I'm strictly monogamous, other people being involved is a turn-off, so I have no desire for play partners. So for me not only are emotions expected they're absolutely required. I have no desire to be with anyone without an emotional connection, to be honest it sounds awful lol.

Miki​(masochist female) • May 25, 2024

Judgmental much? Everyone has their own tastes and desires. I for one never was into deep and long range relationships. That's how I roll and it suits me and "me" is all that matters along with anyone like-minded.

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Kinktards? Hm ... an ugly label in a place where people tend to (or claim to) eschew ugly labels. This site's publicity blah says "Kink-friendly website" meaning it's for all aspects of the twisted life, from deep and committed D/s dynamics or those who just like it a good and rough fuck but have their own lives to live, careers to pursue , and in general , the freedom of not having to answer to anyone when I am on my own time. I'll scrub the fucking floors and polish the fake silver when I feel like it, not when some pushy, hairy-handed alpha fuck dictates it. If any of those were to try they'd find the Swiffer handle firmly up their smelly ass.

But no matter Through it all, a large part of my personality is not giving a damn what others think about how I roll (and those I know or knew who share the "casual fun, One,-and-done and done" mindset.) or more accurately "used to roll" as I am abstaining.. and that's my choice and my business, too. We are no less than "official lifestyle' people. I learned many years ago that striving hard to win the approving nod of the "BDSM Police" only makes one a kindred soul... to a door mat.
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All done with this thread: Have a blast and play nice one and all!

M

blue haze​(sub female) • Aug 3, 2024

In conversation with a sadist he said that he has to maintain a level of distance to be able to help the masochist get where they need to go, but that it's a delicate balance between care and disdain. He cares about the masochist as a beautiful creature and someone who has given their trust to him. He has developed feelings for long-term subs but he can no longer guide them properly through the dark.