How do you deal with fake/insta doms?

Bishop • Aug 24, 2025

Seriously? You sound about as stupid as intenseoldman. Your best thought is for submissives to not be instasubs? Maybe you misunderstand the way things work in the real world…let me educate you.
Just because an instadom approaches and tries to prey on a submissive, in no way indicates that she is a fake submissive. Your position, like said instantass-hat, is to blame the submissive for being one here in the first place. No, no…while you are entitled to your opinion, you are not entitled to blame people who have no control over who contacts or harasses them. They do, however have control in how they deal with that contact and said harassment. Which, I would argue, given your logic, you should be among those blocked until you get educated on what a Dominant is…just my opinion.

uncollaredkitten​(sub female) • Aug 24, 2025

I mean… they’re just exposing themselves. It’s kind of funny

uncollaredkitten​(sub female) • Aug 24, 2025

Ugh this is so beautifully worded ily for this took the words right out of my mouth. 🌷

Bunnie • Aug 24, 2025

This concept of “instas” and “fakes” isn’t something I particularly subscribe to. It takes the humanness away from the fact that everyone is trying from where they’re at within their capabilities at any given time. So if we look at it from that perspective… “like attracts like.” Why are they attracting people like that? We notice those things that resonate. It can either become a blame game, focused on others… or we can look within and ask “why am I attracting this… and why does it feel comfortable/familiar?”

“Insta” or “fake” is the bdsm world equivalent of “narcissist.” Anyone that feels jaded nowadays throws those terms around loosely to remove accountability from themselves.

Call it victim blaming if you want. But I see it as learning the art of self-empowerment. How to avoid “fakes” and “instas”? Remove yourself from even being on their radar because you’re walking a path of authenticity that doesn’t even register with them. Authenticity requires being willing to dive deep, not just within ourselves, but with others, and that is highly intimidating to those who can only handle surface level (your “instas” and “fakes”).

So, how do you handle those who can’t meet you where you want to be, if they do happen to approach you? Say, “thank you, but no thank you. I need more than what you’re looking for/offering.”
And then do some self-reflection and find the disconnect in what you say you want, and what you’re projecting that you’re willing to accept.

All of this is an ongoing journey. Give yourself grace. But give others grace too. Someone isn’t fake just because they’re on a different path. They’re just… on a different path.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2025

This made me 🤣. Obviously not what I was doing, but you give it the right twist and "there it is". I'm just wondering if you're serious or just stirring up drama.

alwaystruly​(sub female) • Aug 24, 2025

If you think that was the crux of my argument, then you’re just reading what you want to see. The topic of this conversation was fake and insta Doms. The point is that ‘Doms’ like this don’t view people as human or care for people’s emotions. Them fooling a submissive does not equate to her also being an insta/fake submissive. This has nothing to do with purely just abandonment or heartbreak because of course that goes both ways, but that is an entirely different conversation. Of course you’d change this topic into something it’s not, wish I could say I was surprised.

All I can say is thank you for exposing yourself, this thread really is great for the ladies to see exactly who we should be avoiding on this site.

TopekaDom​(dom male)​{Chaos } • Aug 24, 2025

And here I sit, unsurprised, you can not tell the difference.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2025

Listening to this I do see how what I said could sound dismissive and if taken that way I deserve your criticism and scorn. If a Dom is real, a submissive can reasonably assume he's there to protect and not prey on her vulnerability. It is a serious and dangerous problem in the community that too many are fake. They are predators not protectors. You are right, only a man would not see how his words would be heard by a woman. Were I not so glib, I would express what I truly mean. If a man wants or assumes your submission to him without lengthy and serious consideration, without taking the time to know all he can about you, he is a predator. Run for the hills and don't look back. And you are right that it is not so obvious distinguishing predator from protector and the way I said what I said makes it sound obvious. I'm not perfect, but I do view submissives as real humans with real feelings and deep emotions.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2025

Yeah, I get where you're coming from, now. I didn't see it or intend it to be victim blaming. I will choose my words more circumspectly in the future.

uncollaredkitten​(sub female) • Aug 25, 2025

It was advice I read on here several years ago, and it has served me well.

As for complaining about insta Doms and fake Doms, there is poor behaviour on both sides of the slash.

We can all complain about that, but it is unlikely to change anything.[/quote]

Just saying if you’ve been here for YEARS without a Sub currently owned the advice isn't serving you that well