Ethical Non-Monogamy

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 22, 2021

I have seen this a couple of times now, this comment about choosing to be poly, or going poly. It seems like it kind of paints over the reality that whether poly or mono, we are choosing it. The closest any of us comes to naturally being something is the primitive drive to spread out genes, which is logically poly. However, we are not basic beasts, but the currently known apex of cognizance. Our reality is based in our ability to break from nature for pursuits of greater self awareness (or maybe that is our nature, philosophy for another thread). The point is that we are not born mono then transition to poly. We make a choice based on stimuli like in any other situation, and it just so happens that mono is the current fad.
And yes, mono is a fad, as well. The roots of monogamy are based primarily in cold weather survivalism and religious influence, both of which are relatively new to humans (much less life in general), and both of of which are inevitably becoming obsolete.
Poly is not an easy course to pursue, for multiple reasons, but I find it difficult to make a case that it is not mainly problematic because of how we are taught to value ourselves from without and assign negative connotations to what is considered ‘excess’.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 22, 2021

That being said, it is important to me that this thread remain as neutral as possible in the vein of which is the ‘correct’ choice. If poly is not your thing, that is valid. However, poly people are fighting an uphill battle to validate our lifestyle choices, and when fighting and uphill battle, choosing to do nothing is a destructive approach.
So, I view this thread as primarily educational, and that is taking the form of providing and countering arguments.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Feb 22, 2021

@BlackEarthDuke. You make a lot of fair and clearly educated points. You appear to represent a demographic within the larger demographic of Poly as a whole that puts Polyamory in a light of positivity.
Empirically speaking though, and no- no different from many other lifestyles- perhaps just at this moment ( which is why I sad ‘fad’ and ‘somewhat’ at that) there are so many people who begin practicing reactively, or who learn as much as they can so that they can put a different face on the ‘cheater’ they were during their time being monogamous. There are a lot of people who have unfortunately had negative experiences with Poly. I’m one of them. The example of practicing parallel, non-hierarchical poly’ while actually after some time it becomes apparent it’s not truly parallel and absolutely not non-hierarchical, well long story short that was damaging.
People here have spoken a lot about cooperation. Sometimes that’s not the model. A harem type model, with little to no interaction between metamours is not uncommon, and those are the kinds of situations I had in mind when I first wrote a comment.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 23, 2021

It is unfortunate, but I cannot disagree with you in terms of how some people approach the poly concept from a problematic place. A lot of new people, especially men, automatically assume that interest in polyamory means that they will get to have multiple female partners without having to deal with other men. While it might work in the odd scenario, the one-dick-policy (substitute female genitalia where applicable), the don’t-ask, don’t-tell policy, and any other policy that either tips the scale very much away from equality or limits interaction to the point of seeming averse, do not really uphold the spirit of polyamory in my opinion and should be considered outliers. I hesitate to label them wrong, because these styles do work for some, and with appropriate consent, they are ethical. They are just not what I would consider poly.
In terms of parallel, non-hierarchical poly; I see this working only in truly solo poly scenarios or situations where everyone is able to live together. In my situation, I live with my nesting partner, we have been together for over a decade, and we actually have a more connected and aligned relationship than any mono couple we have ever met. We would easily be able to have an exemplary mono relationship together. We simply chose not to. That being said, all of our other partners (with one exception) have partners of their own with whom they live and undertake the vanilla elements of life with. Even in the strongest poly relationships, there is the ‘if everything goes to shit...’ question, and while it does not always come out to a one to one answer, it does result in the realization that hierarchy does exist, even if it only becomes apparent in the most extreme situations.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 23, 2021

Poly is a complicated undertaking that requires a depth of commitment and trust and has a lot of room for things to go wrong.
I am sorry to hear that your experience was so difficult.
Just like with mono relationships, you are trusting someone with your emotional fulfillment and that can have devastating repercussions, especially when exploring uncharted emotional territory.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Feb 23, 2021

Yes i continue to read everything I can in the hopes that mind will remain open. That maybe some time i may even try again under the right circumstances. Also, with wounds turning into scars, and those scars becoming barely noticeable. It is just very difficult to figure out who talks the talk AND walks the walk. Being that i should take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth..i think ill start now. Ty again BlackEarthDuke

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 23, 2021

And, if you do not try it again and choose to remain monogamous, that is also okay. Maintaining the open mind and considering all options is what is important. The only wrong answer is the willfully uninformed one.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 23, 2021

Presuming, of course, that all answers are fully consensual.

Dromus​(sub femme) • Feb 23, 2021

How does one know whether or not they are monogamous vs being non-monogamous, or is that subjective? Or does it require actually trying out one or the other to know for sure?

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 23, 2021

The decision would be based on an assessment of all variables in as unbiased of a manner as is possible.
The ideal method would be to try both scenarios and see which one you find the most beneficial.