SubtleHush(sub female)
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3 years ago •
Jun 28, 2021
3 years ago •
Jun 28, 2021
sashalottolearn: "Although I do apply and allow safe words, I have been known instead to use safe signals or gestures and to allow my partner to do this as an alternative"
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Absolutely. For one partner, he would squeeze my hand and I had to return the squeeze. So two short squeezes got the same back. One long squeeze, one long back.
Another scenario was the bottom would hold a handkerchief or some such thing. (always light and simple so as to not interfere with the scene) If they dropped it then that was a signal to slow or stop - as agreed to between them.
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I tend to go deep in play and am non-verbal. I can pull myself up to speak or safeword but it is not a good experience and on those rare occasions when I had to do that because the partner was not respecting our boundaries or agreements, it isn't good. I end those connections because they turn a good situation and make it into a painful one. (if you don't know how this can happen, look deeper into subspace and the energy between top and bottom during a scene)
We have to appreciate what that bottom (pick your term), is about. Some do not become nonverbal. Some don't go that deep. Some play with many but on a more superficial (not meant negatively) level. How they see the use of safewords, or how they see methods of signaling used as safeword indicators will probably vary.
So most conversations circle back to knowing your partner, being on the same page, and having the right amount of experience and knowledge to mutually agree intelligently to what is going to happen.
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We also have to know ourselves. We have to take the time to see past the too-good-to-be-true words or sales pitch. If the top says no safeword but we know ourselves well enough to know that is not what we need, then we must be smart enough to say no.
Newbies tend to be sold on the idea that they get no vote. The time from hello to not needing safewords is a long one. Please don't let someone more interested in their fun sell you on the idea that your wants, needs, and desires don't count.
Going back to my dance analogy. When you play with someone who is making the play only about them, then it is no longer a dance where one follows and one leads. It is one doing their own thing while dragging the other around the floor.
H*
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