Time wasters?

Defender​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2023

Venting.

The Cage is a community.
People go to their community to share mutual frustrations.
It starts a discussion, and reveals if others have shared experiences.
It can make you feel not so alone.
Venting is good for you.
Constantly blocking and shutting down your emotions is not.

No-one is obliged to read someone else's venting post, if they don't want to.
Equally, no-one is entitled to belittle other peoples' frustrations - on whichever side of the slash.

On the subject of other people's online behaviour, the best advice I ever heard on here was "go into this thing with no prior expectation".

That way you won't be disappointed .

The only person's behaviour you can control is your own.....

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2023

Haha, no need to read all the posts. This thread has gone off on two or three tangents at this point.

But you bring up yet another valid point.

Ultimately, I think most everyone here agrees on the end--even dM and I. We differ in the means. It got me thinking about a solution.

As mentioned, this sort of thing has been mentioned many times before on this site. Scattered all over there are posts about being blocked and ghosted and posts about why someone blocked or ghosted someone. However, I do not think there is anything "official".

I think an official list, of sorts, could be helpful. I think this could make me and dM, representatives of seeming extremes, both happy.

Poster: I got ghosted. It sucks.

Heero: Sorry bud, yes it does suck. Gotta move on. In the meantime: check out this list and make sure you're not doing any of this stuff.

dM: No, YOU suck, you loser wannabe! It's your fault!: check out this list and make sure you're not doing any of this stuff.

I would actually be ok with the above posts haha.

Does such a list exist on this site? "Reasons you may have been (legitimately) ghosted/blocked."?

===========================
Creating such a list and making it accessible and readable would be a chore though. There are two options I thought about (I haven't thought about this for very long, so there may be other great ideas).

1) Have TWO such threads. One where offenses are compiled, people can come in and post their stories, etc. And then someone collects them and updates another, more concise and clean thread. A growing list of things.

This would be intensive work though, and I think the person doing this should be compensated. Or maybe one of the staff can take on the job, I dunno. That's the main drawback.

2) Have one thread where these things are posted. Posters may ramble about their experiences, sure. But they should also post something concise with some sort of tag.

"REASON #15: You're not being authentic and people can tell you're on the hunt for a kink dispenser."

So that readers of the thread can gloss over it and pick out the essential ideas without having to read all the stories that will inevitably come up. This may require some moderation, but would probably be less intensive work.

========================

Then, we publicize the above. And we can direct legitimate and illegitimate complainers alike to that thread.

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2023

Agreed.

Venting can be good for you. That is why I am fine with it. I don't personally think it actually solves the problem, but it can put some people in a better mindset to do so once they dispel all the emotions.

I do not like people attacking others for going through their process, especially when it doesn't really affect them.

I don't agree with venting. But if you want to vent on your own blog, knock yourself out. It's fine. If I can help, I do. Most times, no help is needed because the answer is obvious (even to the poster), and people have already posted empathic/supportive posts.


Haha, you said what I said, just more concise.

Agreed. Good job.


This thread has gone on a few tangents. Let me add another that I think is worthwhile...but this may be ignored by anyone who wants to stay completely on topic.

I agree with this statement also...BUT, I do not think it is so simple for some people.

I think an important part of being a Dom is to have the capacity of meeting someone where they are, and leading them to a better place.

If your Dom can't appreciate where you are, what good is he/she/they? You will have needs that they will never comprehend. And if they don't know how to lead you from where you are to where you need to be, what good are they? Why would you enter into a power exchange with someone who can't do better for you than you're doing for yourself?

So on the topic of "so called Doms", I don't think the stance "you fucked up, go figure out your problem on your own and get over it" is a very dominant thing to do. Why would you trust such a person to take care of you and guide you? They're obviously telling you to go off and guide yourself.

An example before I get to my main point:
I am a strange person. I can love extremely deeply, but at the same time, I can get over an ex very quickly. I can tell myself "get over it" and it happens like THAT **snaps fingers**. There are things that come easy to me and that I can do easier than other people.

Is it reasonable for me to tell someone who just broke up, "just get over her, bro!"? Countless love songs written about heartbreak over centuries of human history would beg to differ. Many (most?) human beings are not like me. Me telling them to "get over it" isn't as helpful as it may seem (even though I believe that is the real answer--it doesn't meet the person who is struggling where they are. It is like me just thinking everyone is like me and can do what I do).

THE MAIN POINT:
I think saying "go in with no expectations", "just move on", "don't get hurt when someone blocks you, just look to yourself", "control your behavior/emotions, it's the only thing you actually have control over" are similar.

If the poster could have done all those things, they wouldn't be posting. They wouldn't be venting their frustrations and asking an online forum for help.

Granted. It isn't every time that someone posts about a frustration that someone needs to reply with step-by-step instructions how to solve the problem. But sometimes, just empathize with the person, agree with them that it sucks, and encourage them to move on in anyway they can. It's really not difficult. Even easier, if you can't or don't want to do that, don't say anything. Even easier.

To take the time to "belittle" them, as Defender puts it, is NOT a dominant thing to do. There is zero guidance in such a reply, only a tearing down of morale. Making you feel guilty that you were hurt for someone else wasting your time.

Yes, there are times you need to tell someone "man up!" Granted. But geez, not every problem is a nail that needs a hammer. We should have a little more discernment and discretion, especially those of us who would call ourselves "Doms".

Complaining about being hurt is not "dominant"? Oh, then what is kicking someone when they're down?

Someone wasting your time should NOT make you feel good or indifferent. If it does, you have a self esteem problem. Being frustrated with this is a GOOD thing, and actually way more dominant than some would have you believe.

Sasa​(dom female) • Apr 23, 2023

Senseless scrolling and reading some opinionated answers here might be more time-wasting, lol. Anyway, I always read the profile before I write ... helpful thing.

Yes, venting is ok... but in the end, ghosters save your time. They aren't what you are looking for.

Dating online will be ridiculous in the future, believe me. With AI and smart bots who give you exactly the answers you want you will miss the real persons who disagreed and blocked you. THAT will waste your time. 😄

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2023

Haha, yes, time-wasting indeed. But I always appreciate your insights.


This is a very good perspective that has been yet to touch on.

Yes...they do tend to save you time in the long run. (Though, one can argue, if someone NEVER ghosts you, you won't necessarily feel that your time was "wasted" when interacting with them. But yes, I get what you mean.)

I suppose the issue is, there is always the sense that you could have saved EVEN MORE time, somehow. The sunk cost sucks, even if the future cost is reduced.

Hahaha, this is yet another tangent!

Oh yeah, dating will change drastically. However, in this particular case, it may save time. It would be nice for an AI to be able to use your history and that of the person you are about to contact and be like "bro, there's a 96% chance this person is going to ghost you within the next 123 hours."

There is always a cost to convenience, however. No free lunch.

darlingdiana​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2023

This is just a personal pointer/opinion that has worked for me- not a written in stone sure thing or guarantee that i stamp and or compensate

i have found "time wasters" in the real deal and when looking to be in a dynamic.
Time wasters in a dynamic keep you on a fish hook and are always 10 miles ahead and quite happy, except you feel like you are on a freeway with a tricycle, with a broken chain and dented front wheel...every 2 peddles forward slides you one back...and to top it off, the tassels are missing on one of the handle bars. You are sweating to keep up and in pursuit of your partners happiness to match up.
Time wasters when looking to enter a dynamic vs kink. This one is an easy one for me. In the form of a question.
"If you had to choose between being a Dom/sub and to keep being this, you would never have sex again, which would you choose? "
For myself, if the answer is "I'm not giving up sex!" i am already out, moving onto searching conversation with someone....more like myself.
It may seem cut throat, but i like my throat uncut...and my time not wasted. i am also quite comfortably in tune with what i want and in touch with what i am within the BDSM community roles/titles. i am not in this for the sex primarily, possibly not at all if it becomes a bigger deal than the dynamic.

Wishing You all the best, never give up looking for the pot of gold even when the rainbows end can't be found

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 24, 2023

Thanks for your input!

haha, yes, it does seem a bit too cut throat for me.

I think the sex is (significantly) the less important thing...but that doesn't mean I'd give it up. It is a hypothetical that seems mostly unrealistic to me.

However, I do get what you're saying.

There are times when I have "downgraded" dynamics, that were once sexual, to more platonic ones while retaining a Dom role. To me being the Dom was important enough to retain, even if the sexual components of the dynamic had to be taken away. But I'm pretty sure I'm only ok with that because I could get sex elsewhere :p

This touches on yet another tangent. "Is kink a need or a want?" This has also been discussed in the forums here before. I think the answer is a bit complicated. I'd still be "dominant" (whatever that may mean) even if I wasn't into kink. I didn't "get into" kink when I joined thecage, it was always who I was. Separating the kinky me, from the vanilla me, from the sexual me, isn't really a doable thing. They all exist together all the time. I can't "give one up". But yes, in various instances, I can arrange them in terms of priority...and the order isn't always the same.

darlingdiana​(sub female) • Apr 24, 2023

Heero,

It is a trick question with grey...not black and white. A lady can't give all of her secrets away. ; )
i always say..."go where the gettin's good" (yes that is also grey) i give no breaks. The amount i put forth is my job to find in return, prior to unwrapping or undressing if You will...

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 24, 2023

You're clearly playing chess while I'm playing checkers.

I do see what you mean. If a guy is very quick to zealously respond "I ain't givin' up sex!", it does say something... do many guys fall for that trap though?

I feel like even if I did feel that way, I wouldn't forcefully blurt it out when faced with a question like that.

darlingdiana​(sub female) • Apr 24, 2023

Heero,
i have said enough....You are well onto the path of enlightenment...or a game of chess ; )