Are doms always tops??? ⬆ (and subs bottoms) ⬇

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • May 19, 2022

See how easily confusion ensues? And you even remarked earlier about always being the teacher who admonished students to be precise in their language. 😉

Heero​(dom male) • May 19, 2022

Haha, it's not possible to reteach every lesson before moving on to a new one. Sometimes you'll have to expect the students to remember what we spoke about last week.

We'll end this thread with a quiz. So study up people!

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • May 19, 2022

You're assuming that everyone here has diligently read every previous reply you've made to this thread then? 😂

Heero​(dom male) • May 19, 2022

How else are they gonna pass the quiz??

Defender​(dom male) • May 19, 2022

As this discussion is getting a little circuitous, I will throw in my (no doubt simpleton's) perspective.

Despite being a lover of the English language, definitions, meanings etc, this is how I see a D/s relationship:

If it works for me.

And it works for her.

It works.

And to hell with definitions.


(Please don't try to re-educate me, as "ignorance is bliss" - and I've lately decided that I quite like bliss....😜)

Heero​(dom male) • May 19, 2022

No re-education necessary! You're doing quite fine. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" If you like your bliss, just ignore everything I say. You're one of the lucky ones who doesn't really need this, and I'm happy for you, because that's awesome.

Definitions become important when trying to discuss or relay ideas, and solve problems.

If you take your car to the mechanic for maintenance when you should, and everything always runs great, you may never have to know what the individual components of your car are called. You can just drop it off, and pick it up in blissful ignorance when they tell you. BUT, if you have a problem, it streamlines things to be able to say what is wrong with your car when you take it to the mechanic. And sure, a good mechanic may eventually figure it out, but things go by a lot more smoothly if you speak the same language.

There are some who just love cars and want to know what all the parts are called, and that's fine too. They enjoy discussing cars, and knowing what things are called helps. However, calling things by the wrong name can cause issues and lead to confusion. Another issue is when there's nothing wrong with your car, but you keep bothering your mechanic over suspicions that maybe you or your car aren't doing things right. Such are the issues dealt with here.

In this context: if there is someone who is a sub who only wants a Dom and only wants to be a bottom, and you tell them you're a Dom who tops--but you're actually a switch who likes to be a bottom sometimes--that can cause issues. Because you messing up those definitions can put them in a position that they're not ready for or not comfortable with. If you and your partner love what you have, then it doesn't matter what you call it amongst yourselves, but it may matter if you want to discuss it with anyone outside of yourselves. Also, when trying to establish something with someone new or relatively new to you, effective communication is important (when is it not important? :p), and knowing the right definitions makes the process a whole lot easier.

In the end, if your dynamic works, it is fine.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • May 19, 2022

Bingo! This is such a stumbling block these days since the current social climate dictates that words really don't have any universal meaning and that each person gets to pick and choose their own definitions of literally everything . This leaves those of us who've been around the block more than once and who hail from a traditionalist background frequently scratching our heads in chagrined bemusement (not to be confused with amusement) and throwing in the towel and seeking our "own kind" just for the sake of trying to maintain our own sanity. 😉

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • May 21, 2022

Wow. Yes, you're right: if you're conflating being polite with being obsequious, then yes - you really don't understand my point at all.

Then again, the Seattle scene I came up in largely recognizes a difference between being a dominant and being a top, and I already explained those differences in my initial point. I guess we'll just agree to disagree.

I'mME • Aug 26, 2022

Concerned about what? D/s, M/s, and O/p dynamics can be lived 24/7, life happens, people get sick, kids are around, someone needs a break. As a Dom [new or not] are you going to have a sub who is sick, up serving you sexually or taking out the garbage, fill in the blank with something that exists in your dynamic. Please keep in mind that that this is supposed to be fun as well.
If the sub is serving the Dom, and the Dom is serving the dynamic, then how this gets accomplished is the personal journey those involved.


Hint [the rest is directed at everyone]

There is no right way or wrong way to do this thing. Isn't that what many will say, seasoned veterans, along with some newbies. There is the other side of that coin with those who are sticklers for terms and what goes where and who puts it there. Lol.

There are subs who will balk at doing anything that faintly smells like topping, dominance, taking the lead even if at the direction of their king. The only thing this means is that sub has made any activity like the ones I described their limit. It's the equivalent of a limit to watersports, hoods, or eating out of a dog bowl, etc. Ongoing communication the key.

subargos • Jun 27, 2023

I relate to that a lot, Sir! As a sub I can surely be bottom, but what really makes my workd is to know that I'm there to serve. To kiss Master's feet or shoes when at his presence, or when he finally gets home, makes my sub heart tick harder.