Vanilla Mixing

Vanilla Mixing

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 23, 2018

Sir/Ma'am all, i just want to see what people think about my situation, see if anyone has a similar one and see if there are ideas to help make our relationship better or more intimate. Please feel free to share your own experiences.

So, i have been with my wife for about 5 years. I married her for her great capacity for love. We have a very loving relationship and that is the /most/ important thing to me.

She knows about my extreme submissiveness, and she claims that she is in some way a Dom. Based on her actions and things though i think that at most she is a submissive leaning Vanilla.

There are a lot of things i miss about having a strong dominant, which is why i think she wants so much to be a Dom, but i think her efforts are just causing her a lot of stress, and therefore me stress and strain on the relationship. I have accepted the constant feeling of being unfulfilled in the need for a dominant, because the most important thing is that we love each other. It does make it hard sometimes in the bedroom as she wants me sometimes to be a lot more leading and/or dominant. I do make the effort sometimes, but im not particularly fond of it. It also comes up when we make financial decisions or even decisions about what we are going to do for the day and things like that. It's not that i don't want to help at all with these things, but i would rather be able to offer my thoughts, have them considered and then the decision made.

Anyway, i guess my question is, how do i fill this void and still support my wife the way she needs, without having any other relationships? Thanks so much for reading

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 23, 2018

Without any other relationships.

I am assuming you mean play partners as well.


You can't.

I am not intending to be harsh here.

Assuming that your submissive joy comes from serving a person, this isnt something that can be satiated without that component.

You could get a service based job - see if that takes the edge off-- butler...

But that may or may not work.

Having a beautiful love and loving someone deeply does not mean that the 2 of you do not grow apart.

Would your love let you go to BDSM parties and serve the party?

That way you dont have a relationship with a person but can still be submissive.

Or serve a house?

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 23, 2018

Thank you for your reply! I have thought of that, it would be helpful. She definitely would not allow me to be sexually available (although personally i am ok with open relationships, she is absolutely not). Also she is very possessive, it upsets her if she thinks that i may be flirting (which i think flirting is just being nice/polite) or if she thinks someone is flirting with me. I really think she would have a problem with me calling anyone "Master/Mistress" and if i couldn't "fully" be at their service, i think it would really be unfair to them too...

So, yeah... i guess that just means i should continue to accept that i may/will just always have this part of me missing. Thanks so much for your thoughts!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 23, 2018

I'm so sorry to hear.

I hope you are able to reach a healthy middle ground.


If it's any help-

I dont have sex with those that serve my party.

They are service only.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 24, 2018

Yeah, i know it's not all about sex im just saying that with the limitations i would have, that i don't think they would even be able to enjoy my service which would make me sad :T

But yeah, she tries to be understanding, so maybe at some point we will figure out something. Thanks so much for your replies ^_^