Experience

Experience

Stilgar​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2018

Every sub wants an experienced Dom. If you’re new and inexperienced how do you learn, who mentors. How do you gain the experience. It’s a good “Catch 22”.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 14, 2018

I disagree that a subs want experienced Dom/mes.

I find that a lot folks coming into BDSM are currently partnered, middle age, and heavily influenced by media.

I think my point is many subs are just as new as their partners and experience doesn't matter as much as connection. .

When I first started I asked a lot of questions.

People taught me skills for free.
Patiently answered my questions to the best of their ability.

The books back then didn't really answer the questions that I had.

So I read what I could.
The internet was new to BDSM.
I was in school and working a couple of jobs.
So, My love printed out stuff for me.

The rest was time, talking, trial and error, and figuring myself out.

Then over time I took more of an active roll in learning and organized a skills group. Sought out teachers of skills that I wanted to know about. Made the classes public.

Taught more.


Now I only teach one on twos with skills.

Get the play /crotch connection brewing.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2018

I met a few inexperienced subs and they always said they felt intimitated, that they will dissapointed me, or felt that they wont be good enough. So its not entirely true subs want an experienced Dom, but I know what you mean.
The general consensus is that a sub need to feel comfortable with the Dom he/she's meeting the first time. The need to she/he feel she/he can trust him/her.
As long you are honest and said you are new to the life but made some research, and you answer her/his question with confidence, you have your chance too.
Skills you need to learn are:
know yourself truely and how to keep control in any situation
human body and its reaction
some safety basic knowledge
your first sessions always planned and stick to it, later in life you wont need to do this
go slowly, you have a life in front of you

Bunnie • Nov 14, 2018

Great question @ Stilgar, I’m glad to see you posted it
My suggestion would be to do your research. Read, listen to podcasts, talk to as many different people as you can. Try to make yourself noticed... for good reasons... be active within the community... on forums, in chat... within your local community if you’re looking for in-person. Trust me when I say... subs will notice you. Things like honesty, integrity (how you behave towards others... especially owned subs and other Dom/mes), respect, listening skills, communication, willingness to learn, willingness to admit mistakes, how well you know yourself... these are a few things that I personally observe. For me, it’s about the type of characteristics that make me admire someone and want to belong to them. That’s what I would suggest working on. Those things get noticed. But it has to also be genuine. This lifestyle isn’t a case of “fake it ‘til you make it.” As suggested above, be honest about where you’re at. You’ll always find someone willing to walk with you, but only if you create a safe space for them to do so.

CrimsonPaw • Nov 14, 2018

I agree with the others. It's not experience I look for. It's a connection, and build from there. Start by making friends instead of looking for a submissive. You may end up stumbling across exactly what you're looking for. Don't give up.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 14, 2018

I agree with everyone here.

It's the connection that matters.

Your honesty up front creates opportunities for growth for the both of you.

Also-- connect to your local community .

Stilgar​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2018

Thank you all!!
I’ve been reading and and listening but I find that it helps to get input from you ( the community) to reinforce what you study. Again thank you

DrWakko • Nov 14, 2018

Experience comes in the form of mentoring (being mentored), classes, and being part of the community.

I think for most bottoms/sub/slaves they want to see someone who is putting in the time to learn. Not someone who goes "I'm a Dom, so you should be with me."

Educate yourself. Make yourself a better person.

DW

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Nov 16, 2018

I think it is the connection. Obviously there are always unique differences and all kinds of things come into play. I am sure everyone starts with some preferences in mind, but at least for me, I learned pretty quickly things do not work out as planned. And that was a good thing.

Stilgar​(dom male) • Nov 16, 2018

Thanks Dr and Onlineguy,
Thanks for replying and the wise advice.