When is it kink vs bdsm

When is it kink vs bdsm

SubJo • Nov 28, 2018

So me and my husband just started dabbling in bdsm. We have never had a true discussion about it we also don't have a safe word. The first time I asked him to smack my bum while giving him a blowjob, it was very mellow the firs night but his willingness still surprised me.

The second time there was a lot more snacking on the bum it hurt for hours afterwards, and then he "forced" me to give him a blowjob quite violently but very much within my limits.

So I decided to get some toys wrist, ankle and hogtie. Nipple clamps, paddle and whip. And some more dildos.

I can tell he really likes it and I know from last time he would like to tie me up. But should we go slower.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 28, 2018

Limits are a funny thing.

Sometimes one doesn't know them until they hit them .


As far as should you go slower-
Do you feel you should?
Are you having bad drops afterward?
The biggest tell is where you are emotionally.

MrD​(dom male) • Nov 28, 2018

Your first step should be to discover your safeword. There should be no other steps taken until this is established.

Once this is done you need to have a serious think about what your hard limits are, boundaries that can be stretched and pushed. As butch master bear mentioned above, you will probably discover further limits as you progress

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Dec 28, 2018

Good morning.
I'm sitting here outside sunning myself getting the car cleaned.
Lazy I know, but I am financially healthy enough to let others do that for me today.
Also, as we have been in the mountains, the Jeep needs a little extra spit and polish.
So, I have time to read a few posts.

Kink vs BDSM
In my mind kink is really just physical/sexual.
All that stuff which gets a pussy wet and twitching, a cock standing fat & proud and those feel good hormones pumping around the body.
Where you finger your date discreetly, at the table while the cute waitress takes your order. Where you point after, how nice it would be to watch, said waitress, kiss your date as you ease your fat cock into (your date's) pussy ..... Etc etc.

For Kitty and I, BDSM is that (kink), but so much more. It's kink but with communication, sharing thoughts, accepting the good with the bad, working at it (so that there is no bad), giving, taking, using, loving, etc.
It's far more emotional and mental.
Much deeper

I have met sub's for play dates in the past where there was discussion, lots of spanking, flogging, restraining and other lovely kinky stuff went on .... But it wasn't BDSM. It was kinkyb(not just vanilla) fun.

But .... What is vanilla (the norm) these days?

Oh.... Car done. Gotta go.
I hope this helps.
It does in my head at least.
FC

dollMaker​(dom male) • Dec 28, 2018

Discover your safe word. Whats the mystery? Adopt the traffic light system. Red stop, Yellow slow down, pause. Green go. There is nothing mysterious or difficult, to be discovered.

The traffic light system is tried and trusted, its easy to remember and universally known so can be taken from bedroom to party, to event. The reason it works so well is because its easy to remember and use. While anyone is free to adopt any words they like for this, the question is are those words easy to recall in the heat of play? Are they open to being ambiguous in any way, mishearable? If so then use the traffic light system. Many clubs and dungeons will require that is used anyway, which could confuse things for you if you dont use it regularly in private play.

No big mystery here, no mystical safe word to be found after fasting or climbing that hill bare foot.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Dec 28, 2018

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. If during play any shade, flavour of that happens then its BDSM you are doing. Its important thought to keep in mind that within BDSM there are many flavours, many activities, fetishes etc, kinks. Sometimes some gate keepers well meaning or not, I think more not, will seek to put forward the view that unless its their type of activity, say old guard, formal structured Ds or Ms, Leather, physical world rather than on line, its not BDSM. My view is that is damaging and prescriptive. It seeks to control, dismiss and keep pure their ideals, rather than be welcoming and educational, helpful towards others on the kink, BDSM spectrum.

I have seen, heard, read of examples of DDlg, rubber fetishists, pony play, pet play, even doll people, among others being told that what they do is kink, not BDSM. Like the word kink, fetish is a dirty, second class, less pure thing to the purity of BDSM. Thing is BDSM is an umbrella word, that covers a broad range of activity including all those kinks, fetishes and much, much more.

Don't let anyone define what it is you like, enjoy, need as not being BDSM just because its not what they do, or how they do it. As long as its practiced carefully, with skill, knowledge, with ethusiastic consent and safely that is the most important thing.

Sweet Ginger​(sub female){⚓ } • Dec 28, 2018

I agree with dollmaker, especially the last paragraph but would like to add first: if ur questioning if u should "slow down" perhaps u know the answer and also does it really matter what label u put on it.. If u n ur husband enjoy doing what ur doing n it's safe, not hurting anyone then does it really matter??

Bunnie • Dec 28, 2018

@ SubJo, I think the biggest defining factor here is that you’re in an already established relationship together... so you’ve already got some foundation of trust. That is going to greatly determine your speed in my opinion. If it feels right for the both of you... then it is. As long as your communication and consent remains intact, have some fun. As for whether it’s kink or bdsm... my personal “technical” definition matches that of FunCouple, however, does it matter? Explore what feels right to you both... that’s all that matters. If you want to learn skills and techniques, there are plenty of skillshares and workshops available that can help with that. Be safe and enjoy