I really need advice. Should I punish or breakup with my sub?

I really need advice. Should I punish or breakup with my sub

Bossybitch • Dec 9, 2018

I need advice. I've been talking to some subs lately, but one really grabbed grabbed my attention. He was really good at giving me what I want. All the attention I need, pleasure, pictures, affection. And even better, he's close to my time zone so he's always awake when I am. I considered if i was ready for him to be my fulltime sub. I asked if he had other mistresses and he said no. He also said he wasn't looking for any. Well, I never told him that i actually have a dominant female friend on here also who is looking for subs. He messaged her when I first signed up. But today, she was tempted to see if he would respond to her after the conversation him and I had about him being my pet. Well he did respond to her. Went back and forth 5 times and then he stopped responding after she asked if he had any mistresses. I confronted him and he showed me that he deleted his profile after being asked that question and realized what he was doing was wrong and he wanted to only be my sub.
Now I'm conflicted. I'm not normally an overly emotional person. I don't normally get attached to people or fall in love. It's usually very hard to get through my walls in that way. But for some reason, he really got to me and I really cared for him. It hasn't even been that long talking to him.
Do I punish him for being disloyal and dishonest? And give him another chance?
Or do I just kick him to the curb? I do have other subs that have been messaging me and worshipping me at all times of the day.
What would you other doms do in my shoes?
And what do you subs think about what he did? Have you done the same?
I feel like I've practically been cheated on, it's so weird

Phanes​(dom male) • Dec 9, 2018

I personally would give him another chance and speak to him on loyalty and respect to you and the relationship. I didnt read anything in your forum where it said that he crossed any lines other than talking with your friend. The moment she asked if he had a Mistress, the conversation stopped! Therefore, he may have realized he made a mistake and ended the conversation. Also I read that you have formed an attachment with him when it had been hard for someone to scale that wall you had up in the past. So, apparently you two have some chemistry between you that I think would be well worth to discuss this matter and get back on track. True chemistry as you mentioned between two parties is hard to find! Don't let one discrepancy derail what connection you two obvious share.

Bossybitch • Dec 9, 2018

That's a good point. I've never had this type of problem with a sub, I'm not sure of the correct punishment to give out for it. Make him write a certain phrase over and over? Physical punishment? Or do I just talk it out with him?

Phanes​(dom male) • Dec 9, 2018

I don't see it as a issue necessarily needing to issue a punishment. I see it as where you two need to sit down and discuss boundries, concerns, expectations, and anything either of you can do to further the enjoyment of what you share. A happy Domme/submissive is one who will stay home and will (normally) not stray.

Bossybitch • Dec 9, 2018

Ok I think I can agree. Because everytime I think of a punishment for it, I actually feel bad. Since I know he didn't continue to pursue it and he did beg my forgiveness and what not.
Thanks for the help/advice. I'll talk with him

Freya369 • Dec 9, 2018

I would first like to find out what those conversations contained, that might make a difference. What were your instructions regarding his interactions with others in general and other Doms in particular? Once I had found a Dom, isn't kind of understood that contact with other Doms is no no, or,is this not correct.

But, it looks like he made a mistake, or was he edging his bets for a better Dom? The content of those conversations will tell you more.

Clearly defined expectations - his and yours in written form at least helps to eliminate that old ruse..."I misunderstood, I didn't really think that was what you meant" Another chance, yep...but my guess is ...you are going to be more cautious.

Punishment, yes...as it seems he broke, bent something important between you...I think he realised this as he ended all contact after he was asked regarding having a Dom etc.

These dynamics are very powerful, and are very addictive..often easy to think you are falling ..you just don't want to fall into a bucket of bananas!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 10, 2018

I would not punish. BECAUSE that means giving him your time and attention.


I would put him on probation.


Then I would self asses.

Are you able to legitimately have a relationship with this person with trust and candor?



Is the situation healthy for you to continue?

Are you able to move on? Or do you think/fear he will go searching?


Assess what is reasonable for you to do.

If this creates an unhealthy balance in you. Time to move on.

Freya369 • Dec 10, 2018

Master Bear, is closer to a better answer...

Just to clarify...once someone has accepted the Dom...does this mean that the sub can not contact another Dom? I cetainly would not want my Dom and or sub doing so.

Although, I am inexperienced in BDSM relationships, I am certainly not in relationships in general, and it has been my experience that the beginning of a relationship is a good indicator of how it will end!

Mistakes may be forgiven, betrayal not so easy..as trust is foundational. I am less tolerant nowadays...as I head towards the Zimmer frame! My tolerance for putting up with, making excuses, second chances etc., is now in very low single digits.

To be honest...my reaction when reading the original question...was to just say...walk quickly...but I am trying to work on my impulsivity!

F

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 10, 2018

F,

One can contact other Dom/mes.

AND get off on the technicality of "we didn't say I couldn't "

Well -- I also didnt say "dont screw the neighbors cat".

There is lot implied in taking on a D/s relationship.

Especially emotional implications.

The question becomes--- how much is someone invested in the "now" if they are contacting others?

The second question is --
What was the Domme thinking in asking a friend to bait the submissive?

Where there already questions in the Dommes mind?

Bossybitch • Dec 10, 2018

Thank you everyone. The advice was much appreciated. Him and I talked about it and we have set the ground rules. And I did feel relieved to keep him, which shows I really didn't want to be rid of him.