Who’s here seeking dom/sub relations (online) that they’re hiding/can’t have at home?

Devil's damsel​(sub female){HandsomeDe} • Dec 13, 2018

I was in a similar situation when I first joined the cage. Married, unfulfilled, unhappy, abused, and an itch that needed understanding and scratching.

I used this place as an outlet, an escape from my married life. I had online Doms, one of whom I fell in love with...I cheated emotionally and would have physically had he been closer.

My marriage was already failing....it was simply a matter of time. The bonds I made here, and the way submission and learning about what I wanted out of my life made me feel, pushed it over the edge. I learned what it was liked to be truly loved and treated the way I deserved to be treated, and I eventually left my now ex-husband.

Being able to find myself, and discover what I wanted out of a relationship here, in this (mostly) safe place was a Godsend for me.

My ex-husband knows now what I had been up to, there’s no need for secrets anymore. He claims he would have been up to the task, helped me explore my kinks and maybe been able to live out some of his own. Perhaps had I shared, we would still be together and stronger now, perhaps not. My secrecy and lies took us down this path. It hurt my children, it hurt him, and in all honesty it hurt me. I don’t regret ending my marriage, I think it was time we go our separate ways. But nobody came out of it unscathed.

I’m sharing my story because I understand where you are and what you’re feeling. The need to keep it under wraps. But really take into account the state of your marriage now. If it’s fixable, stop and fix it. If not, be prepared to let it go. They know when there’s a disconnect, no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not there.

Canadian​(dom male) • Dec 14, 2018

Thanks for the points but that’s not an option. My outlet is online only.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Dec 14, 2018

There is never a reason to cheat.

If you are unhappy, you need to be a partner and you need to point-blank tell your wife. If she is willing to work with you then you need to be willing to compromise. A marriage is all about compromising. Sacrificing for each other. If she isnt willing to work with you? Then perhaps you need to leave, no matter how hard that is. Because a marriage is all about compromise as I said. If she wont compromise, she doesn't truly love.

Marriages can stay together quite happily if you compromise. As an example, though this situation isnt anywhere near as extreme for us as there was never really a feeling of needing to leave - My husband is Poly, I am not. But I have made some sacrifices in what I am okay with, to make it easier on him to not be poly (Despite him telling me that he would be happy either way), like getting over my jealousy with his flirty nature (though he is respectful and doesn't flirt in front of me), accepting that he has these desires, and being open minded enough for things to /maybe/ change for us in the future, which is the biggest compromise for me, as I used to view poly as cheating (Ph, how naive I was). It doesn't have to happen but I have the respect for him to keep challenging myself and see if my opinions change. And he happily accepts that we may never be poly, because he loves /me/ more than anything else and chooses me over everything else. It's not as big as a compromise as you two will have to make, but it's a simple example.

Love is a choice. You have to choose to continue to love someone even when they hurt you. And the moment that you accept that you're choosing to love, then loving becomes a whole lot easier. Love isnt an easy thing. Not all the time. But if you're willing to work and fight for it, it's so very worth it.

Stop trying to seek fulfillment elsewhere til you've truly been open and honest with the person you're already committed to, and ended it if it wont work out. You made a promise to her when you got married - so be respectful and keep it. If she wont do anything to help out your desires then she has already given up on her promise, and there is less reason to stay. But by doing what you are doing now, you're destroying the promise. It's not worth it.

Bunnie • Dec 14, 2018

Beautifully said @ dd.
I too left an unsatisfactory marriage... perhaps too soon also... I’ll never know. I made the decision that felt fair for us both at the time, once I found myself here, and after much discussion with my then husband.

What I’ve come to realise is that if you’re looking for satisfaction elsewhere, something is already long broken. How you choose to proceed from there is what determines your future life. In my opinion, nothing solid is built on a cracked foundation... you either work on fixing the cracks, or learn from your mistakes for next time.

And @ MasterBear, I completely agree in the sense of needing to explore who you are... I just don’t think it needs to be done dishonestly.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 14, 2018

@Bunnie



He's already being dishonest.

Who We Are sexually, what drives us emotionally to be fulfilled, is something that we should absolutely be sharing with those we love. Whether it is a lie of omission a, or a flat out lie is a technicality


@DarkFox


I used to believe that there was no reason to cheat as well. In fact I was pretty hardcore on that concept. And then I saw how people degraded when their true selves were not allowed to happen.


For me, the dishonesty doesn't happen when somebody decides to cheat. The dishonesty starts happening when they feel they have to hide who they are in the first place. The pain of cheating is the end product of a lot of other factors.

Bunnie • Dec 14, 2018

@ MasterBear,

“For me, the dishonesty doesn't happen when somebody decides to cheat. The dishonesty starts happening when they feel they have to hide who they are in the first place.”

I understand what you’re saying, and I completely agree...

I still don’t feel that cheating is the answer.

Seeking satisfaction elsewhere is a bandaid attempt. You can ignore the festering for a little bit longer, but it’s going to keep popping up. Bandaids don’t fix the problem... no matter how often you change them.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 14, 2018

@Bunnie



I completely agree with what you're saying here Bunnie. To a point.


I believe that seeking satisfaction elsewhere can be a Band-Aid, but it can also be a huge Catalyst to personal change.


When my father started cheating on my mother he wasn't cheating to fix a Band-Aid he was cheating to find out who he was. The big Queen!


So I think that there are as many reasons for cheating as there are the people that do it. And it's not always about a Band-Aid. Needing to find out who you are in the BDSM realm and in the sexual Pantheon are big, huge , life changing things.

Sometimes people cheat because they need to know that the next choice is going to be the one.


By that I mean they may be looking to confirm what they think they know about themselves



Is cheating painful? Is it devastating for both parties? Is it something that can cause long-lasting damage? Absolutely on all counts.


But so is being married to somebody and having no idea who they are.

ropefish • Dec 14, 2018

It sounds like you don't consider online relationships to be cheating? Why is that?

Every person I've dated has had a different definition of cheating, which has led me to this conclusion: cheating is anything done with another person that would hurt your significant other if they found out about it. The loss of trust and blatant disregard for the other person's emotional well being is what makes it cheating, not the actual action, in my opinion.

JaimeJade​(sub female){BaronJ} • Dec 14, 2018

I guess really it would depend on whether that person could live with the guilt of cheating if they then decided to stay in the marriage after finding out who they are. But if someone then decided to have a full blown affair whether or not it is a kink relationship surely the right thing to do would be to end the marriage?

Canadian has already told his wife who he is and she is not willing to try... so perhaps she may already knows what’s coming next but just brushing it under the carpet, or she really has no idea what this will quite rapidly do to him but I still think he should maybe even have a ‘trial separation’ period where he can find out who he is without so much the guilt of cheating? It’s a hard pill to swallow having that conversation but it shows respect and honesty... and isn’t this community what it’s all about?

Devil's damsel​(sub female){HandsomeDe} • Dec 14, 2018

I knew that once I realized who I was I had two choices.

A) See if my husband was up for the task of learning and becoming my Dom.

Or

End the marriage, because I knew vanilla was not an option any longer.

Choice A was not going to happen. Number one, because I could never be open and honest with him about sex and experimenting without being abusively accused of cheating, even if I wasn’t and had just read about something this happened. Number two, I had already lost all respect for him, and I didn’t trust him as far as I could pick him up and throw him.

Choice B was so much better than continuing to live a lie.