Safewords (online)

Safewords (online)

KittySunflower​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2019

IRL safewords are used but how about online?

When together via phone or video or text are safe words used? Or something else done?

I am unfamiliar with this and if on the phone how could a safeword be used when gagged?

I would like to know how, if any, safewords are used within an online, or long distance, partner so play is still safe.

I also wonder if once you're collared are safe words still used? -- maybe another topic but curious.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jan 6, 2019

Firstly, I am certainly not the most experienced sub here so these are only my opinions ... I also struggle a lot with ‘online’ and prefer real experiences. Saying that, here is what I think:

Safe words are yours to communicate with your Dom/me at any time you feel the need to stop a scene that is approaching or crossing a physical, emotional or moral boundary. It makes no difference whether you are playing with a casual partner, a ‘hook-up’ or with a Dom/me you are collared too. They apply all the same, regardless of the relationship/dynamic or online/real life.

Communication and trust is key, again whether online or in real life. You have to be able to communicate these concerns and protocols with your partner and trust them to keep you safe and obide by what has been discussed. I know when you are gagged many Dom/mes and subs discuss hand signals or other creative ways to indicate a safe word alternative. For example, I’ve heard an occasion where a ball gag was used that could squeak when bitten. If the sub wanted to stop a scene she could bite down as an alternative way of communicating her/his safeword. I guess this could be used over the phone? Or if your hands were free squeezing a squeaky toy or hand signals if on video chats. The bottom line is, I would suggest discussing these concerns with your Dom/me or play partner and having these alternatives in place prior to any play sessions.

Hope this helps, and again these are just my opinions. Good luck and have fun x

bigolebubba​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2019

I use an online safe word....and I always note it and respect it!

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2019

Doing things online requires care, safety and creativity. There are some differences to physical world but safe words are important in both and must always apply, and be acted upon.

If gagged on the phone, with no video and you are not happy I would just remove the gag and say you aren't, and either pause or stop the scene. If there was video then I would hold a hard rubber ball, which you drop to stop things. However as its you following instruction, doing whatever you are doing to yourself you can stop things immediately, so in away online is safer than physical world because you are freely able to stop doing what you are doing at any time whereas in the physical world because another person is doing the thing to you there you are relying on them to stop, which they should do. However alas that is not always the case, there might be a delay, or the person topping misses the signs something is wrong, doesn't hear you (issue in some clubs with loud music) or just doesn't want to.

Safe words should always apply and be used, able to be used no matter whether its online or physical world, collared or not. In my view anyone who says you should not use safe words or be allowed to, or if they get angry or annoyed, belittle you using them then run, do not continue with that person.

Here is the thing many tops, doms don't want newbie subs to know, it is you who calls the shots re what happens, when where and how, both physical world and online. Consent is reversible at any time and you can call red or stop things when you want. Everything should be negotiated and agreed on and that activity plan stuck to and only gone off it if agreed to, and before the scene. I would say that there should be no renegotiation of new elements or aspects added mid scene, as frankly many will not be in a fit state of mind to be able to do that during play. Never negotiate high on endorphins or under the influence of drugs or drink would be my suggestion, consent obtained at that time is pretty sketchy for both parties.

Online requires some adjustments to physical world play, how things are done, what can be done practically, safely, isn't safe or carries too many risks. I would never do breathplay online, VAC beds, strangulation, total bondage or anything that requires another party be present to be able to release you. The risks involved in those activities are just too great if done alone, and I believe none can be done totally risk free if you are alone, so please don't. The chance of dying is just too great. Other activities that require a visual connection to be done safely, so an eye can be kept on the bottom/sub should also only be done that way in my opinion. While the bottom/sub is administering the activity upon themselves it often requires watching to be done safely. I would never allow yourself to be pushed too far, if its not fun, or pleasuarable I would halt things. If the top/dom gives off about it that is a clear indicator they only care about themself and not you. That applies both physical world and online.

Many subs/bottoms will site not wanting to let their dom/top down, and will allow themselves to be hurt rather than stop, and while on an endorphine high they may not be actually capable of calling a halt, and while that risk exists in both mediums (online and physical world) I think it exists to a slightly greater extent online, so being able to monitor things closely visually is very important, as this will allow an experienced top/dom to spot issues and call a halt themselves, where the sub/bottom might continue on if no one can see what is happening to tell them its going wrong. To know that though requires physical world knowledge, experience and skill.

There is massive responsibility on a dom/top when playing online or physical world, and while both carry risks and both require experience, knowledge and skill in doing activities safely I think because activity is not hands on re online the responsibility to watch even more closely is greater so for myself I recommend people go very carefully re what they are doing and try hard to minimise risks.

If play is RP only via the written word, safe words still apply, as emotional hurt, damage can still occur without physical activity, so care should be taken here as well. Keep in kind the most important organ involved in BDSM is the mind. I see some say no limits re online RP, but I would be cautious regarding that as frankly what one does with the mind via a txt only medium can still fuck someone up, just as badly as if it happened face to face, via video or in the physical world.

When I have done RP in the past via written words, or play via video, voice, I treat it as I do physical world play, safe words always in play, safety first and importantly I offer both obvious/overt and more casual checking in after and aftercare. Aftercare is important in all mediums and styles/types of play, making sure your sub/bottom, play partner is ok afterwards.

Savida and I talk over all we do in detail and often Savida will write or send an audio after scene report to me so we can discuss the positives of the scenes we do or any issues that arise. All very useful to both of us. The amount of learning, and growing we do via these conversations is invaluable. Discussing in detail regarding what went well, and didn't is a very useful activity and I encourage all engaged in BDSM, online or physical world to do this. Through this I am able to become better atuned to Savida, she to me and make what we do even more magical than it alread is.

There will be those who say online is bullshit, fantasy and just dungeons and dragons games. My advice is if you enjoy online activity, derive pleasure from it ignore that. I get some need physical world and lack the mind for online, and that is fine, but online offers wonderful experiences, many of which would be missed if physical world was all that was available. What I would say though is online done through the prism, skill and knowledge of physical world is much better, richer experience and safer than if its done by those who lack physical world skill, knowledge and experience. This is one of the reason why I always encourage everyone to learn these skills at workshops and events, useful in physical world and online.

Hope the above is useful, as they say others mileage will vary and opinions differ.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 6, 2019

Yes use online safe words.


Do not play especially gags - one pushed down to far with an undiagnosed heart condition = death.


UNLESS it is safe to do so. Just because you are playing over the phone or online does not mean that the play should be considered safe.



When using gags in real time I have the s type hold a bell. If they need to signal they can simply drop it.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2019

@MasterBear​

Are you refering to ball gags (solid or with holes in them), bit gags or inflatable or dildo gags?

Can you explain how the risk might manifest. I have attended a number of classes over the years and never heard that risk mentioned. Risks to breathing/choking, particularly if the head drops downwards, but not a heart attack risk.

I like the bell idea.

KittySunflower​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2019

@CK - thank you. I am unfamiliar with the online dynamics and this helps. Nice to hear what others do. A bell is a good idea.
Online is very much real and "real life"/in person is just in person but online is no less real, you are right. I was/am curious if, with online, if people actually use safewords or not and this was great feedback.

@dollMaker - thank you for your response. Everything you said it's spot on.
yes... When endorphins are high it is hard to really judge how much is too much at that moment. As mentioned by both aftercare is very important and yes a lot of new ones forget they have the control. I myself drift off when endorphins kick in and safewords are alas not even able to be spoken.
Workshops are a great idea and should be something looked in to, and/or test the waters/limits before play. ?

@BOB (Dom) it is nice to hear from a Dom on this thank you.

@MB - thank you. I'm not sure I'd use a ball gag that's not attached to a harness/strap. And simple signal like dropping what you are holding is a good idea.

All great things I'll have to see about using.