Learning from mistakes

Learning from mistakes

NomadPilot​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2019

In a past relationship, that ended because we moved to different areas, I left a Sub very vulnerable and she ended up in a terrible abusive relationship.
I cared for her but didn't realize at the time the amount of trust she (and any sub) put in me and subsequently the next guy who took advantage of that.
I feel guilty that I've scarred her, I didn't do everything I could have when leaving...
Any advice on how to prevent this in the future?

Zaramia​(dom female) • Jan 7, 2019

Ok, here are my thoughts.
A sub might need guidance to be sure they are able to take care of themselves for any reason, at any time. This might include sending them to school or some form of further education, expecting a part time job and money management skills, or even an allowance, a savings plan, or an actual prenup type parting agreement.
Submissive should never equal stupid - about safety, or supporting oneself.
A great Dom is concerned with the welfare of his sub, today, in the future, with them, or without.

If she ended up in a terrible, abusive relationship, that was her choice, or his predatory and hoodwinking actions, but not necessarily your fault.

It would be lovely to transition from one Dom to another, in a sort of hand off - like hey, this is ending between us, and we're both men enough to have the conversation - like if you were rehoming a treasured pet, rather than just dropping it off at the shelter without any information or vetting of new owners. yes, that would be fucking lovely. But the reality is that most subs are left to figure it out alone. and most Doms don't ever get that crucial information - like she *IS GOING TO FALL IN LOVE*, or she *DOES NOT GET OUT OF BED BEFORE 8 AM*, or whatever that key ting is. She's never going to say. I am only just now ready to say up front, I'm not casual. I *AM* going to fall in love and fuck it all up, if you are not looking for that, go away. (it's a long journey to that level of free speech.)

Encouraging your sub to have a community of subs around her, and Doms, who are friends, of hers, of yours, of both of you - who can guide her, provide a bounce point of view, meet new doms and give feedback, whatever. - people you and she can trust to sort of make sure she manages to make a smart choice if that's what she wants to do.
You may not be willing or able to assist in the transition, but you can provide her with the resources to make it possible and likely to be successful.
my 2 cents - zara

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 7, 2019

You are NOT responsible for decisions made by an s type AFTER the relationship is over.


Put this in the "this is not within my control" box.

Kitty21​(sub female) • Jan 7, 2019

While you aren't responsible for a sub, after the relationship has ended, your job as a Dom, was to build her up, make her stronger than what she was, before you came into her life.
You didn't give any info on how the relationship really ended.
Did you move in a day? A week? A month?
Was she blindsided by this?

The only failure I see on your part is you didn't understand how much trust she placed in you.

Communication is paramount in any D/s relationship, and it seems that was lacking.

I would suggest in your next relationship, really get to know your sub. Get inside her mind, ask lots of questions.