17 years together. Too late to start a BDSM relationship?

17 years together. Too late to start a BDSM relationship?

LisaLix​(switch female) • Jan 28, 2019

I've been with my man for 17 years. Pleases me like no other but I've really been wanted a bit more in the dom/sub aspect of our relationship.

Sorry for all you long time BDSM members but I have to bring up 50 shades of grey. The eat me drink me seen. Where he says "if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week" yeah that's pretty fucking hot. I want him to hold me accountable in life and punish or reward me in the bedroom accordingly.


He's open to this stuff....to a degree but I was just wondering about some pointers on how to talk about what I want without him thinking that I dnt like what we currently do


Thanks in advance.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 28, 2019

Its never too late, if you both want the same thing and that is the key, you must discuss this and both consent to aspects of or all of it. Enthusiastic consent is everything in BDSM and even in a vanilla relationship, for it to work.

Yes hard core BDSMers do cast rude words the way of 50 Shades because it presented a model of abuse under the guise of BDSM. In saying that individual aspects of 50 Shades in a fully consensual, fully informed, safety first, enthusiastic relationship would be fine. As you learn, the bad aspects of 50 Shades will become more evident.

My advice is start very lightly and very slowly, spanking and light bondage might be a good start point, but one of the biggest obstacles is a vanilla person, or slightly kinky person, or person repressing their kinks becoming overwhelmed with fear, horror, self repulsion/loathing and flee the idea. Open honest conversation is needed but go carefully and gently. You can't demand anything or get annoyed if your partner shows signs of not wanting to talk about this.

Here is the thing you can not make a vanilla kinky if they do not have anything of kink in them, and if there is a little then that needs to be nutured very carefully and gently, and just maybe it will grow. There is a lot of social, religious and personal conditioning to get through, and for some the leap to acting on those deep thoughts, feeling they can is a hurdle that can never be over come.

There are online and book resources on this and if your partner is interested, and they want to explore then I would suggest attending introductory classes on BDSM in general, and then specific areas/activity you might like to explore. Becoming active in the kink community is something for the future, if at all.

I wish you the best on your journey.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 28, 2019

CONGRADTS !!!

The conversation is easier then you think.

Repeat after me

"Honey, I love what we have been doing. I have ideas on some new things we can try."

50 shades of grey, although ridiculous has been many peoples call to BDSM.

Another great thing is there are most likely local groups that teach BDSM or throw social get togethers.

You are not alone.


Of course you could always take the subtle route and tie yourself to a bed.....

Re: 17 years together. Too late to start a BDSM relationship

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 28, 2019

first off congrats for telling him how your feeling. So many dont and just look external because it feels esier. You've gotten some great advise above, I cant add much but did want to add one small thing. Be careful with wording. Feelings are so easily hurt. Try to remember what you DO like about your love life now and build on it..better. Remind them of all the things you do "still" love and like. The last thing you need, is your partner to feel, is that every action wasn't right for you, for 17 plus years. Your trying to give them 'extra' confidence, not remove the confidence they already have in the bedroom. Also if you do a scene remember "after care" is also about the Dom. Tell him what you enjoyed and why. Feed his confidence! This isn't a time to tell him ..I hate X. You can do that AFTER you tell him what he did right!

Another handy advantage is remove the classic BDSM look to things, unless you feel you need them but remember you can always add..taking away an action is harder. Its easier to 'add' kinky behaviours, than BDSM Fetish. Often behaviour is accepted more readily if it doesn't look so hard core or threatening. Its also an easier way to white wash social conditioning. Things like skip rope, use stockings, ribbons, scarves. swap paddles/crops for simpler house hold items etc. Acting kinky is often easier to accept than flat out BDSM.

if you talk more first: take the situation out of a possible sex situation. Don't use the bed room. Go for a walk or talk over a coffee in the garden. keep thinking "I'm enhancing the relationship, not re building it" and I'm sure your start will be solid, that you can add too and build on. Best of luck! Keep us posted. Love to hear how you went.

LisaLix​(switch female) • Feb 2, 2019

Update: thanks to all who gave me some great tips on how to discuss this. After some talking ( and playing) we realized that neither of us is completely dom or sub. We are both switch. Which can work great.

But I have the feeling that he isnt completely comfortable with the power I am giving him. I said I dont want anything different I just want you to stop asking permission (sexually) . He's trying it. Terrific results so far.

And he loves that I want to be the submissive housewife to him when it comes to the household (chores, obedience etc) But he also wants me to take control at times too (financially, self care, bedroom) . ....which is fine, I understand in some respect.

I'm hoping he will find where he feels comfortable in regards to dom/sub and we can continue building on our relationship.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 3, 2019

Sounds like a fantastic start. Congrats to you both on finding the common ground. Just another word of caution....try not to race ahead of him, travel TOGETHER, side by side. You'll enjoy the whole journey then. I know your excited by what could be, it is easy to . You've had a while to process your thoughts and desires, we get you want to run and fly......hes had less time and has just found his feet.