Question about knowing when someone is right for you?

Question about knowing when someone is right for you?

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Apr 9, 2019

Okay, i'm going to try to make this make sense. I've had a couple of serious possibilities in my life (I call them prospects) and in most cases it seems we have a connection, and upon me mentioning what I am and what it means to me they show interest. Then when push comes to shove, they end up telling me no go for various reasons, sticking around as friends usually.

I'm trying to wrap my head around it, I know the type I am into and I know the things i'm looking for in a submissive, however I'm trying to find the right timing for me to present myself as a Dom, and what It means to me? My mentor has said I've improved over the years, and as such I'm getting closer each time.

I just gotta know, when you found someone that really clicks with you...do you know off the bat? (This goes for the submissives as well.) Cause I have this feeling , not so often, that 'she is the one' and after the sparks die down it just dies. I know someone is out there for me, however, I've only been interested in this for about seven or so years.

Any help getting my 'radar' finely tuned would be greatly appreciated.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Apr 9, 2019

I feel that it takes time to get to know one another as people in the whole sense.

I will say that in my case i knew and loved my Wolf before we have are first visit. And after that visit i knew i had found my home.

You said that, " I'm trying to find the right timing for me to present myself as a Dom, and what It means to me?" For being a Dom or sub isnt just about the kink. Its not just the sex, the floggings , or anything esle. It's the everyday little things, how you carry urself, basic things that u just do ( without even thinking).

Find the person who you can just sit quietly on the couch with doing your own thing but still together. And then at the same time be able to have great time doing whatever else.
Thats just my thoughts

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Apr 9, 2019

Have you tried meeting submissives in forums such as this? Then you don’t really have to present yourself as a Dom, they already know you’re a dominant male and have read your profile before you’ve started chatting and before you’ve even found a spark. So instead of spark first and kink compatibility second; it’s vice versa.

I think as humans we often mistake physical attraction and chemistry for something more than it is. The chemical reaction in our brain makes us think we’re connected on a level much deeper than we really are. So when the initial attraction fades so does the perceived connection. Maybe by getting to know someone by other means first (i.e. messages, phone calls, emails, texting, etc) and developing a bond through common interests, sense of humor, and intellectual compatibility then the spark will linger past the initial lust.

I met my Sir here, and like @alawey I knew before our first in person meeting that I was in love and he was the one I’d submit to on a soul-deep level. He and I have talked on many occasions about the fact that if we had met face to face rather than through this medium, we probably wouldn’t be where we are today.

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Apr 9, 2019

I appreciate both of your comments, and as you have said it is more than just the kink.

This is my first time jumping into a community driven site, and as such I guess my prior to experiences were all sort of garnering friendship first and then offering later. Perhaps I am asking a strange question, or I worded it strangely in the first place.

I guess all previous people that I was involved with were unsure, not of me, but of their role or even if they were on the spectrum. Part of the reason why they stay friends even after the spark dies.

As far as compatibility goes: I always want to get to know a person first. As such most of what you are saying (both of you) I’ve already done. I guess i just never have really been part of the community (the real community) until now.

Thanks for both of your insights, very helpful!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 9, 2019

If you ever find out that secret bottle that shit.

Before my love came into my life.

I was married to my first wife for 5 years.
It was hell.

I damn near lost my love over my bad behavior that I picked up from my first marriage. I was an abusive a hole.

The pure majik that is my life now was purely by chance. It just so happened that I was in the bar the same day that she was. I can say that she captured me then because I remember 17 years ago she was in that jean skirt and white shirt. And what ran through my head was" I am never going to be able to have sex with her."



Time, Patients mostly hers, and communication just made everything like a big unicorn fart. My life is now full of glitter and rainbows

Sunnie​(sub female) • Apr 9, 2019

That may very well be the case. Sometimes our sub lies dormant and we are afraid to let it out. We have to accept who we are first, before we can let others in or explore that side.
I think what you're doing now, joining in on chats, posting your questions is good. You'll find that we are pretty open and try to help out if we can.
My only advice I can offer is taking your time to get to know each other first before any dynamics are discussed. At least on sites. You will find out if your compatible or not. Sometimes we match well other times we gained a friend.
Sometimes you click right away and you know right away and sometimes there are bumps but you get past them and find out that person is great.
To me, honestly and communication is key.
I hope you find what you're looking for.

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Apr 9, 2019

Thank you for your comment , both of you.

I seem to see a pattern, and it seems most of what my mentor and you are saying. Get to know people, be yourself and ask questions. I will do just that with my time here!

I am certain this is already what I am looking for. A place where I can feel comfortable and be myself without feeling out of place!

I’ll probably do you some questions in private, masterbear , once I set up premium on Friday.

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Apr 10, 2019

There is already a lot of good advice here but I struggled a bit between relationships so I figured I’d throw my experience in here.

Before I met my kitten here I had been in between relationships for a while. I gave a few of the various types of vanilla dating a try but it never really went anywhere. There might have been a bit of an attraction there but I had this whole side of me, really most me, that I couldn’t talk to them about on the first couple dates. Only one or two ever made it to a point where I talked to them about things I was interested in and I believe all of them were after we had decided to be friends and they were asking why it didn’t work out.

Dating, especially in the vanilla pool, is tough my friend, I do not envy you. Trying to figure out if somebody’s interests are going to line up with yours, or even if interests do line up, will your kinks line up? There is a lot that goes into making sure that a sub is right for a Dom let alone finding a submissive ‘in the wild’ in the first place.

I wouldn’t say my radar has gotten sharp over the years but perhaps instead a healthy skepticism as I kept in mind that I’d have to build a relationship with this person, have the chemistry, they’d have to be submissive, and their submissive needs would have to align with my needs for things to work. Throughout that I would have some vanillas assert that they could become submissive (which may be true but that’s a whole other thing on its own) and submissives with very different interests assert they could learn to love mine (also may be true but again, that’s a whole other thing). In the end I never felt I had missed an opportunity by letting someone who I didn’t think was a good fit for me go, and being honest with them about why.

Ultimately the wait was worth it, I found my kitten here after having stumbled across her profile. I gave her a genuine complement on what I had read and off we went. The D/s dynamic flows naturally with us, the chemistry is incredible, interests and kinks are aligned, it’s definitely worth waiting it out and finding the right person.

I personally think that the community has some great resources for dating. If you haven’t gotten out in your local community word of mouth is a great way to do it I think. If you’re a standup guy someone will see you, and even if you’re not perfect for them, may tell a vanilla friend they suspect would be a good fit for you and then boom you’re off. Online communities like this one also work well, you just have to be prepared to do long distance as I think it’s a bit difficult to reach your net into the ocean of the interweb and hope to pull out your neighbor.

I would like to make a note and say that I think it’s different if you’re interested in training subs vs if you’re looking for a life partner. You can have a perfectly good time meeting and introducing people to the lifestyle but searching for a life partner is a much more intense process I think.

-JB

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Apr 10, 2019

I appreciate your advice man, really do. However I’m not really in the date scene. Looking more for a play partner.

I am married and don’t plan on changing that. Wife is just very vanilla, and laughs at anything bdsm.

Some of your advice sticks out though: taking time and getting to know eachother for sure. The frustrations that can come from being transparent and honest, and the fact that seven tenths of options fly out the window with that fact in mind is something I guess I gotta deal with.

I know someone is out there for me, and that when it’s right we will both have a fun and exciting experience.

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Apr 10, 2019

Well that definitely does change things! I definitely did not pick up that vibe from the original post.

If anything, though I would say that makes things a bit easier on you. Finding a play partner / bottom is a lot easier than finding a submissive and building a full and healthy D/s relationship. For that I would say get out into the local community. I briefly read through your profile and see it says you’re in Ohio. I am positive Cincinnati has a vibrant BDSM community. I would start with finding a club and going to classes / play parties.

Pickup play is not uncommon there but also you can make a solid group of friends with similar interests and get to know people that way. I could again be off base with this one but it seems to me that if you are looking for a play partner that getting out in the community is the best and easiest way to do it! The community in the real world (in my experience) is incredibly welcoming! It is very easy to be yourself, discuss interests, pickup tips, and find friends. Can't recommend it enough.

-JB