Need advice on building healthy dynamic
4 months ago • Mon 20 May 2019 02:43:16 PM IDT
Tigger(sub female) • Mon 20 May 2019 02:43:16 PM IDT
Please forgive the long post, but I'm hurting and need help, and it requires back story.
My Sir and I met about a year and a half ago. We were both in unhappy vanilla relationships.
We began a D/s relationship, and both of us struggled with guilt and trust. We are each others first in-person D/s dynamic.
I ended my vanilla relationship in January, and he ended his shortly after. We committed to each other.
But I'm struggling so so much.
I love him, and I believe he loves me. We're aware that the fundamental basis of this dynamic is trust, and we started out in the worst possible way. We're trying to fix that. To reset the foundation. We're both trying very very hard to build trust and happiness together.
But that's not even what this is about... It's just back story.
Whatever it is that's supposed to make me feel safe, secure and content is missing. As a result of our beginnings, I've not been able to rely on him to always be with me when I'm struggling or really need him. And as a brand new submissive, I've struggled with all the confusion about what I'm experiencing. It's totally overwhelming and he is continually trying to ease that to the best of his ability.
It's created insecurities I'm failing with.
That's changing slowly, but the damage feels like it's done.
I struggle with drop fairly frequently.
I struggle with deviations from our normal routine.
I struggle with what feels like a lack of consistency and structure.
I panic when he doesn't do exactly what he says he is, no matter how small.
To make it even more tricky, we're still too fresh out of our vanilla relationships to actually be a couple. So often we'll be working on something, and someone will walk in and he'll disappear. It feels like I'm getting dropped without a word, no matter how important it is. He's apologetic when he gets back, but it creates an anxious feeling in me whenever I actually need him. Will he be able to help me or will i have to wait?
He tells me that we're so so close to this ending. That the end is in sight, and none of this will be a problem anymore. But I'm not sure what to believe.
I've been fighting drop this weekend. I can't even describe how much my soul aches. He's away on vacation, and hasn't been available as much as I've needed. I've been trying so hard to not burden him and take away from his vacation, but yesterday, I failed.
We talked for a while. I cried a lot. I just couldn't stop, and I felt like it was frustrating him. His phone was dying, so he had to go charge it and would come back. He promised he wouldn't leave me alone with the hurt.
As a way to make me feel better, he'll often tell me when he'll be back if he needs to leave. He told me 30 minutes. After an hour with no word, he came back to tell me he was a few minutes away still. I replied please no, I couldn't wait, but he missed it. The total time gone went from 30 minutes to an hour and a half. I felt so alone. I felt like he didn't understand how much I hurt. I felt like he didn't care.
I got really upset, because, whether it actually does or not, it feels like this happens a lot.
I spiralled, and cried a lot again. I called him a liar, and he told me if I wanted us to end, say it again. If I did he was gone. Being called a liar is apparently a trigger for him. He told me he's at a point where he doesn't even want to tell me when he'll be back anymore, because if he misses it I get upset. He's right, I do. But it's because it feels like he doesn't understand that I need to know that when he says he's going to do something, no matter how small, he will.
It felt like he was threatening me when I needed him most. Like he was making it clear that the one source of comfort I have with him was close to being pulled.
He can be so sweet and supportive, but when he hurts me, he hurts me bad.
I feel like I'm failing as a submissive. I don't know how to make him understand what it feels like to submit to someone. All the vulnerabilities it creates.
I feel like I'm so bogged down in pain that I can't let go and focus. I'm too busy patching myself up.
But I don't know how to change that.
I don't know how to understand what's happening between us. He tries to make it better, but I keep stumbling.
I feel like a lot of our issues are just that we're both so new to this. But I don't know how to not become a victim of our inexperience.
How do we get from here to where we need to be to be steady?
What am I missing that I should be doing? How do I make him see?