Need advice on building healthy dynamic

Need advice on building healthy dynamic

Tigger​(sub female) • May 20, 2019

Please forgive the long post, but I'm hurting and need help, and it requires back story.

My Sir and I met about a year and a half ago. We were both in unhappy vanilla relationships.
We began a D/s relationship, and both of us struggled with guilt and trust. We are each others first in-person D/s dynamic.
I ended my vanilla relationship in January, and he ended his shortly after. We committed to each other.
But I'm struggling so so much.
I love him, and I believe he loves me. We're aware that the fundamental basis of this dynamic is trust, and we started out in the worst possible way. We're trying to fix that. To reset the foundation. We're both trying very very hard to build trust and happiness together.
But that's not even what this is about... It's just back story.
Whatever it is that's supposed to make me feel safe, secure and content is missing. As a result of our beginnings, I've not been able to rely on him to always be with me when I'm struggling or really need him. And as a brand new submissive, I've struggled with all the confusion about what I'm experiencing. It's totally overwhelming and he is continually trying to ease that to the best of his ability.
It's created insecurities I'm failing with.
That's changing slowly, but the damage feels like it's done.
I struggle with drop fairly frequently.
I struggle with deviations from our normal routine.
I struggle with what feels like a lack of consistency and structure.
I panic when he doesn't do exactly what he says he is, no matter how small.
To make it even more tricky, we're still too fresh out of our vanilla relationships to actually be a couple. So often we'll be working on something, and someone will walk in and he'll disappear. It feels like I'm getting dropped without a word, no matter how important it is. He's apologetic when he gets back, but it creates an anxious feeling in me whenever I actually need him. Will he be able to help me or will i have to wait?
He tells me that we're so so close to this ending. That the end is in sight, and none of this will be a problem anymore. But I'm not sure what to believe.

I've been fighting drop this weekend. I can't even describe how much my soul aches. He's away on vacation, and hasn't been available as much as I've needed. I've been trying so hard to not burden him and take away from his vacation, but yesterday, I failed.
We talked for a while. I cried a lot. I just couldn't stop, and I felt like it was frustrating him. His phone was dying, so he had to go charge it and would come back. He promised he wouldn't leave me alone with the hurt.
As a way to make me feel better, he'll often tell me when he'll be back if he needs to leave. He told me 30 minutes. After an hour with no word, he came back to tell me he was a few minutes away still. I replied please no, I couldn't wait, but he missed it. The total time gone went from 30 minutes to an hour and a half. I felt so alone. I felt like he didn't understand how much I hurt. I felt like he didn't care.
I got really upset, because, whether it actually does or not, it feels like this happens a lot.
I spiralled, and cried a lot again. I called him a liar, and he told me if I wanted us to end, say it again. If I did he was gone. Being called a liar is apparently a trigger for him. He told me he's at a point where he doesn't even want to tell me when he'll be back anymore, because if he misses it I get upset. He's right, I do. But it's because it feels like he doesn't understand that I need to know that when he says he's going to do something, no matter how small, he will.
It felt like he was threatening me when I needed him most. Like he was making it clear that the one source of comfort I have with him was close to being pulled.
He can be so sweet and supportive, but when he hurts me, he hurts me bad.
I feel like I'm failing as a submissive. I don't know how to make him understand what it feels like to submit to someone. All the vulnerabilities it creates.
I feel like I'm so bogged down in pain that I can't let go and focus. I'm too busy patching myself up.
But I don't know how to change that.
I don't know how to understand what's happening between us. He tries to make it better, but I keep stumbling.
I feel like a lot of our issues are just that we're both so new to this. But I don't know how to not become a victim of our inexperience.
How do we get from here to where we need to be to be steady?
What am I missing that I should be doing? How do I make him see?
Please help.

Bunnie • May 20, 2019

@ Tigger, I just wanted to respond now to let you know that I will respond to this (as I’m sure many will). I just want to have a think about it a bit more before I respond. I can relate to so much of what you’re feeling, and I understand how horrible it feels. I just firstly wanted to reach out straight away and let you know you’re not alone.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 20, 2019

Good morning and welcome!

My personal thoughts on this are you both need to step away from BDSM and work on the basics of your relationship.


It sounds like you both have some really abusive behaviors ingrained in you. If you don't work on those first BDSM will only make that more difficult.


My suggestion is you go to counseling both as individuals and as a couple.


Then as you have learned how to grow emotionally as individuals you can come together as a couple more healthfully.


Learning to trust somebody is only 50% them. It is also 50% you.

You say that he has to follow everything to the letter and if he misses even a tiny bit then your concept of trust with him is blown. I appreciate and honor your honesty here. However. This reeks of looking for something and what he says or does that you could consider dishonest. Everybody can appear dishonest under a microscope. There's no way around that.


Let me give you an example. When my beloved was with her previous partner that partner would say " what did you do today?' And if my beloved forgot a detail and come back later and I said "oh I also did this". My be loved its previous partner automatically thought that she was deceiving him. And that wasn't it at all.



Those types of behaviors no matter which side of the whip are extremely unhealthy. And BDSM won't fix that.

Give each other room to breathe. Go to counseling. Have lots of great sex without expectations. And good luck

Tigger​(sub female) • May 20, 2019

@Bunnie, thank you for thinking it over.

@MasterBear, I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I hear what you're saying. When I think about it objectively, I believe you're right...I think on some level, I am looking for some indication not necessarily that he's being dishonest, but that I'm not important enough or that he's going to keep hurting me. Baggage dragged from previous relationships and a rocky start with him, to be sure.

You're absolutely right. If I look hard enough, of course I'll find anything I look for. I'm setting him up for failure in that way, and that is something I need to work on within myself. I also agree that our major issues are the basics of our relationship. We've been working backwards instead of forwards. Perhaps, as you suggest, we need to start at the beginning and build again.

You've given me a lot to think about...thank you.

notsounsureanymore • May 20, 2019

Just my opinion but step away from all the kink, leave it to one side for now, friends / relationship first, kink secondary to that.

Get to know each other as two single people because you’ll both be very different to how you were when you were attached to other people. Build a relationship from common interests, find enjoyment from each other, laugh, spend time together where you don’t discuss anything D/S related and with no pressure to create and sustain a dynamic.

I’m no expert but a D/s dynamic can surely only be built on a solid foundation incorporating many things but mainly trust, communication and respect. From what you have written those three elements don’t appear to be present at the moment.

If you want a D/ relationship with this person then focus on the other things first.

Bunnie • May 21, 2019

@ Tigger,

It seems you’ve got a lot going on here. So... from the beginning...

A lot of what I read reminds me of how I felt when I left my marriage. Although my circumstances were different, I still carried a lot of guilt for leaving. There was also a feeling of suddenly being so exposed and vulnerable, and having no foundation. This really brought about a fear that I’d never experienced before. Suddenly I became really insecure and needy. So many things came to light. To be honest, it’s taken a few years to begin to feel any semblance of normalcy within myself again. It’s been a big journey of peeling away layers of so many things that were dormant and ignored or pushed down for a very long time.

You appear to have a very good awareness of the situation and why you’re feeling the way you are. And it seems to me that you have even identified what it is that you need to help create the foundation you’re striving to achieve.

Something I am wondering is if perhaps you’re a Little or have Little tendencies. That need for reassurance in such a strong way, I know for myself, comes from my Little aspects, and a strong fear of abandonment. Perhaps something to observe and think about anyway. It may be his Daddy aspects (if he has them), that can help to bring about that feeling of safety and security that seems to be lacking.

I think having very open, honest communication, and being prepared for the fact that it will potentially hurt... a lot... until you’re able to remove some of the “thorns” from your relationship, is really the only way to possibly move forward. It’s a matter of building trust in each other, which in my opinion, comes from time, and actions matching words.

This is probably where I would venture in the opposite direction of what everyone else has said. I think the routine and structure of D/s could be helpful. It may help to provide a feeling of safety and care for you... and a feeling of stepping up and taking charge for him. Allow him to lead. Allow him to care for you. Give him a chance to show you that he is the person you know him to be. And vice versa... allow your submissiveness to nourish him. This is the glue that you both have for now... until you add to it.

Sending hugs to you both, good luck with it all. I hope maybe this helps in some way. I think ultimately, the bottom line is communication. Always.

Curlyniccia{Protected} • May 21, 2019

@Tigger

First I'm sending you hugs.

I have a completely different opinion from everyone else.
I think you need to find you.
When we leave a relationship and start another immediately we forget that the previous relationship will leave its mark.
Whether this mark is a result of a negative experience or just from being in a relationship it needs time to be looked at, understood and resolved.

What I mean is that even though you broke up from a previous relationship for this one - there needed to be some time.

Time to get your head around things.
Time to find out the new you.
Time to develop.

As a newbie to the lifestyle what I've found is that the most important aspect is your own personal growth, finding out about you, your place in this lifestyle and what style you like or are mostly drawn to.

You sound like you're struggling from coming from a vanilla to this lifestyle as well as ending a relationship, past issues and hurt, starting a new one, getting to know one another and establishing a BDSM relationship.

Break it down.
You're running before you can walk and are falling time and time again.
First work on you - any insecurities that you may be harbouring (counselling as suggested may be helpful at this point).
Secondly start to learn about him - forget kink just work on you two as two I individuals, date, go out fir walks, connect again.
Discuss this lifestyle.
What you want from it.
Communicate.
Be open and honest.

In reality staet from scratch.
Knock down the rocky house you've built.
Start again with strong foundations of communication and honesty.
Only then can you move onto establishing the link side.

The dynamics and who you were whilst both being in vanilla relationships is now changed.

You are two different people both free from the previous shackles.
Freedom leads to you feeling lost and insecure.

You need to grow as individual.
Become stronger on you own before submitting and choosing to submit.

Look after you

X

TheAnt​(dom male) • May 21, 2019

Tigger, my heart bleeds when I see these sort of posts. First I read and reread your situation. I went through the comments and your situation is why I no longer practice as a psychologist.
Relationships are painful, full of worry, distrust, self doubt, and loathing at times. And fundamentally we find we cannot do without them. I have struggles with this exact sort of anxiety and each time I amin a committed vanilla marriage, they always for me but I learn a little about myself as well as what I want in the next wife....
I hid my BDSM Dom side for a long time, I squashed and buried it with religion while sneaking off to watch movies on Kink.
The last marriage lasted 18 years and she new I was into spankings, rough sex and dressing her up for photo sessions but never knew what I really wanted to do.
I guess that long diatribe is my way of saying that you need to really find Tigger. Your mate can wait. If you want to exit the vanilla world, do but have your ground rules in place. Maybe you don't need 25 pages of a contract detailing all the rules with sub clauses like Kitty and I have, but maybe you need some.
I have made the decision to not continue in the vanilla world. It has nothing for me and due to my retirement, I don't need it. My Kitty understands and we are discussing enjoying exactly what I have striven for.
Your situation is your own. Check out my blog on Doms/subs, granted it is designed around distant relationships but can be applied to a local.
A marriage counselor was suggested above for couples therapy and most men resist it but he may do it.
I am always available for advice and so is my precious Kitty.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 22, 2019

There's not a lot I can add here that hasn't already been said.

It sounds like he not only isn't ready to commit to a relationship of any kind, but that he doesn't understand the fundamentals of a BDSM relationship at all.

Moving to end it simply because his sub needs him a lot? Starting the relationship when he isn't ready to fully commit to it? He has issues with compromise and attentiveness. It sounds like he just wanted something that his last relationship didn't offer, but wasn't ready for the responsibility.

DomAnt and Bunnie gave wonderful advice on your situation, and I implore you to take their advice to heart.

Freya369 • May 22, 2019

Masterbear usually has great advice and non more so than what he says regarding these issues. I also am not sure why you did not mention the "initial issue" that seemed so pivotal when so much of your story was told. It would be useful to know this issue.

It is becoming clear to me, from listening and interfacing with people on this forum that one has to be even more clear and sure as to ones own personality/behavior.

Absolutely, drop the kink, and see just how you both handle a more vanilla...or dare I say it friendship relationship. After all if this is "truly a match" and isn't really what we want? Then taking some pressure off will only serve to see through nonsense more quickly.

I think you will get some deep insights into yourself and your partner, once you experience the reactions to "let's drop the kink" scenario.